Monday, May 15, 2006


so here i am...blogging again... becoming some sort like a dairy already... though i have no use of this till i am realli sad of distressed... so here i am again... meaning i am feeling one of the 2...okok... this sentence is from one of my frens... *i wun pretend to be the main character of a tragedy and start crying* yeah... i realli shouldn't feel sad... well... can't help it... the music is making me sad... but it is nice... er... ok la...

having a lot of conversations with someone right now... yeah... we r helping each other with our wound of the heart,,, well... both of us have a deep wound... so it is gonna take some time to heal...

wo ai ni... this 3 words... it is such a powerful sentence to tell ppl u love... but now... wat i have heard is insults... jokes and lies coming from this 3 words... yeah... ppl r using this words like a joke... telling others wo ai ni... i dunno wat they r thinking... except they r trying to insult themselves again and again...


did not go to sch todae... and i wake up at 7... i have 2 hrs to prepare myself for sch... yet... i did not went for it... why??? i try asking myself... i think one of the reasons is i dun wanna get hurt more den i wan... i still loved her... no matter how i try to avoid... no matter how i try to think otherwise... the fact lay there... unmoving...unchanged... i still love her... lolz... it is such a joke... i tell myself...

i juz advise my cousin not to put all ur heart into someone which u love at first... until u r sure it is stable... i suffer from this before... i noe... he is the same age as me... and going to army pretty soon... will the relationship with her be serious??? i dunno about that...

there r times which i think she will understand the situation i am in... things i never share with her i wanna let her understand... yet however hard i tried... one sided love is never gonna to work... one sided effort will accomplish nth... now... i condemn her... i did not... at that time... cause watever small hope i still have den did not disappear... but now...

there r lots of things i never come close to tell her... like my relationship with my parents... like wat did i do at home... like wat happen if ur best fren backstabbed u... i never share those things with her... maybe i never had the chance... maybe i am too eager to noe more about her... i dunno... but right now... i feel like i am one loser in love...

i lose to ppl who never come inside of our love... i lose to ppl which have already stabbed her right in the heart... no matter how i try... looks do matter... no matter how gd ur heart is... wat matter the most is ur looks...

i nid no frens at sch... as to me... there r no real frens with me in the sch... maybe not zheng gen... but the rest of them... i feel helpless... no matter how hard i tried to get into their conversations... i am always left out... i hope it will change... when i started poly... but... from wat things r looking... i dun think i have much hope...

real frens i define it to be caring to u... realli backs u up when u r in threat... i dunno about these... but to me... i dun have such frens... in sch... yeah... none... nvm... suan le... cause i have pass 7 yrs like that... my secondary sch life is wat ppl will call a nightmare... i fight my way through them... i use my fist to make myself a name... frens to me den is so fake... cause no matter how many times i let my guard down on them... they will plunge a knife deep into my back... and den kick me right out of their heart... and den laugh like hell... this is how i pass 4 yrs... trust again... and kana backstabbed again...trust once more... and same results appear...
yet till now... i never let down any of them... i did wat i think is most befitting of a fren and juz go on with life...but i have let down 2 ppl which i swear i shouldn't let down...

she help me with my work... she encouraged me... she did wat she can to make me stand up on my feet... though she never remove the knifes on my back... she is my support... and i thank her greatly for that... yet... i did not wait for her... when she left for japan... she wanna show me she did not mind at all... yet i can tell that she is realli realli sad deep in her heart... i struggled with myself... but she said do not mind her... and i follow wat she tell me to do... wat i have done i can never forgive myself...

we makes fun of each other... her always smiling face always never fail to brighten my dae... in her darkest moments i tried my best to help her... and in return she set targets for me to achieve... in so trying to improve my results... she share with me her life... her everydae stuff... but wat did i do... i disappointed her every time... i fail the targets she set for me... i never stand up to her and said "enough...i am jealous" when she tell me about her being back with her ex... i never stop her from doing things with other guys... and instead...i ignore the daggers in my heart and continue to tok to her... i have let her down greatly...

now those have pass... the pain and disappointment in my heart did not subside...i guess it never will... and it will follow me whereever i go... this will be the punishment for wat i have done... a lifetime punishment...

the main reason i dun wanna go sch todae because i wanna run away from those hidden knifes and stuff... i noe it is the fact... and dun tell me i am too sensitive... once can be a conciendence... twice can be too... thrice can be also too... but when more and more times occur... i cannot deny the fact... yet i dun ever wanna harm her... cause too me... she is important...still!!! i wanna erase away this importance by everydae stuff... but... i failed miserably... i trying hard...nevertheless... but i think i will succeed onie when i did not see her...


sure is a long entry... haha... going to sch as usual tomolo... trying to finish my maths... and boost up my performace in IN... ganbette...

posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 8:33 PM



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