<---...----a n i lvl E c r a Z E---...---->

Unknown feelings

2008-03-26T03:37:00.002+08:00

Im feeling a little... unhappy... and tired. I dunno how long more i can withstand this life of mine, and how long more before i burst everything out. Im tired... too tired to think straight.

This world suxs... Why do humans exist in the first place? Why do a higher being create us? And since they had created us, why isn't there any punishment to wicked people?

I always think that fairness and equality can be found in a place that i can call my home. But... recent events make me thinks otherwise. Im beginning to lose hope, of this family... and of this world.

Humans... are selfish... and will always think of themselves first, before anything else. Faced with bad circumstances, they can even betray and abandon their own family members, and leave them to suffer those circumstances. It's not till truth points to them about their wrong-doings that they admitted that it's their fault. And the punisher, having wrongly blamed someone, didn't apologise or do anything to make it up for him or her. Worst still, after meting out the punishment to the wrong person, the punisher gives a much softer punishment to the wrong-doer. I could understand the reasons for not apologising, as all humans have their own pride, and asking them to admit their wrong-doing to a lower peer would be deemed degrading.

Fairness... is but a dream. An unattainable dream for most humans, and a very difficult task to perform for the rest of us. i understand the difficulties behind it, but after multiple reminding, if that someone still can't be fair, then it would means...

I am but one human, and would not be able to change the world even if i wanted to. But that doesn't mean i would give up. Humans... though they are detestable and incomplete, i would try my utmost best to improve them.

~Even if the morrow lies barren with promises, nothing shall forestall my return~

Recent months-Lonely...

2008-01-11T03:18:00.000+08:00

Well, months... yup... months. It's been months since i last posted here. And honestly, that would mean good news... It means that i haven't been having some real troubles with my life.

So when i blog now, it means im troubled. Over wat? My life.

I took a step back and i look... i cant realli see anything infront of me. I see no hope, nor future. Im lost again, lost in the labyrinth of life.

It's been too tired for me. Handling fansub and school together. None of my frens seem to understand me, and they become distant from me bit by bit. I don't blame them, as im not someone anyone can juz understand me without effort put in. I'm a deep person, maybe too deep, becoz of that, i'm always alone.

Even i don't quite understand myself. Sometimes, i feel like i have 2 personalities in me. One being the gentle me, always forgiving, always naive. The other, rebellious, cruel, violent and troublemaking.

I changed alot this few months, i don't know hw much i changed, but its a fact that i changed. I can't seem to find the motivation to do the things i wanna do.
I'm tired of guessing wat others are thinking about. Tired of everyone around me becoming strangers. I'm scared, very scared of being lonely. I don't wanna get outcasted again, don't wanna become alone again. I juz wanna have someone that i can talk heart to heart with. Someone that understands me, that i can say watever i wan to him.

I found one, but becoz of money, he avoided me. Becoz of money, i spoil this frenship of mine with my own hands. Sometimes, helping someone too much isn't good.

Somehow, it dawned on me that i need frens to survive. I can't be lonely, as i will be nothing if i am.

With that said, i don't know if i can still hold on to this pathetic life of mine, and remain the MK you guys know. I simply have no confidence on my future now, and motivation to do anything is naught too.

Let's juz wait and see?

~School Days~

2007-09-30T21:36:00.001+08:00

Juz finish watching an anime called School days. This anime seems interesting enough, so... i watch the first few episodes... After watching them, i start to research about them... And the content shocked me that much that i have to blog about it.

The anime is about a guy, likes a girl on the train called katsura who is in the same school as him.
This guy, Makoto, captured her image on to the HP he has, but was accidentally peeked by a girl sitting beside him, Sekai. Sekai bring this 2 people in love together. Makoto, confused about why she did so, ask her about her reasons. Sekai said that she have to do something for him since she peeked into his HP.

Makoto never knew that, Sekai is in love with him.

After few months pass, Sekai, who was so confused about her feelings with Makato, sometimes show actions that let katsura thinks that she may have fallen for Makato. During this time, Makato, who is also confused about his close relationship with Sekai, starts to be indecisive and make both girls feeled troubled about him.

After a while, sex came into the story and make their relationship more confusing and troublesome. Finally, when Makato was on a date with Katsura, Sekai called and told Makato that she had prepared dinner for him at his house. Makato was fed-up with her actions and told her to go home now. During the trip home, Sekai saw Makato and Katsura acting intimately. She went straight back to Makato's house.

Katsura told Sekai that Makato has fallen in love with her and Sekai is merely a nusiance to him. Deeply hurted, Sekai rushed out of the house telling Makato she was pregrant. At night, Makato SMSed Sekai that Katsura has found a very gd doctor for her to take an abortion. Hurted once again by this, and deeply grieved over his heartless-ness, she told Makato to meet up in his house as she had something to say to him.

In his house, Sekai took a knife and stabbed Makato repeatedly. Soon, Makato died with Sekai fleeing from the scenes. Katsura happened to visit Makato and found his body lying there. She broke down totally and cried.

Katsura SMS Sekai to meet as she has something to say to her. Sekai went cautiously and bring with her the knife she used to kil Makato. Katsura start to ask about Sekai's pregancy and suspect that she is lying. After that, Katsura ask Sekai to look into the bag she brought. Sekai peeked into it and inside was the head of Makato. She feel sicked at once after seeing this and become weakened. Katsura revealed that she has a cleaver with her and attacked Sekai. Sekai was unable to dodge it and was killed.

Soon, Katsura, her eyes totally lifeless, wondered about whether her pregnancy was real. She use the cleaver and cut a small hole into Sekai's body. With this, "As i expected, u're lying... THERE'S NO ONE INSIDE YOU...", she take the bag containing Makato's head and left.

The last scene shows Katsura holding Makato's head and say" We are finally together now." In the school, the HP that Makato used to captured Katsura's image is left on the rooftop that Sekai was killed and has never been touched ever since.

This anime was the first i saw that makes me so shocked. Other animes i have watched juz makes me feel sad or happy about them. But this anime juz makes me think about lots of things. It makes me wonder if i was in Makato's shoes, will the whole thing end up like that, or will it be a happier ending. For now, i think i have the confidence to make things to not end up like that. But as experience shows, when emotions come into the picture, i will act very rashly. And i may be chopped up into many pieces like Makato, by the woman i loved deeply.

Tired? Or losing myself?

2007-09-14T21:25:00.000+08:00

Again with updates... well... it juz means that im not going too well with my life...

i dunno wat happen to me... something juz seems wrong... im realli very tired... its that kind of tired that u dun even know that u are tired... guess im not making much sense...

sometimes... i can lose control of my strength suddenly... take for example... i was eating KFC once... and u know i love chilli... well... so i tried to open up the chilli packets... and to my great surpise... i suddenly juz rip it open... and the chilli spilled out on my clothes... i dunno y... but i juz lose control of my strength suddenly...

this few days... i cant even keep myself myself up straight... i even fall down myself juz because i lose my balance on a totally even road...

my concentration... reflexes... and thinking dulled... i juz knocked into more and more ppl everyday... and i realli dun seem to know of the reason...except that im tired...but i dun feel tired at all... *shrugs*

im also getting emotionally tired... i realli feel very tired to try to blend into my colleagues interests... and try to make fun with them... i juz feel... not myself... im realli slowly losing myself... losing myself as cwmkt...

i get angered easily by my closest frens... those which realli means alot to me... i dunno y... maybe because im already fed up with me trying to blend in... and wans them to, instead , blend in with me...

i think that i can handle it... working day and night... without having a life... but... it seems like i cant... im slowly losing control of my own emotions... my life... and my limbs... Can i last till the end?

i need money... and i dunno whether i need a rest or not... so... all i can think of... is to look ahead and walk the path i set for myself...

alot of things happened recently... and it makes me feel bad about things... no matter wat did they do... i still felt that... we shd give them one more chance... but... i have given too much chances... so... i juz kept quiet... and let them isolate themselves... i care... but... i... have given up hope...

Anyone... help me find ways for me to relax... DO NOT ASK ME GO TO NIGHTCLUBS... i have went there... and find myself torturing myself for the whole duration...

Sicked... Red EYED CHRIS!!!

2007-07-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

Yo ppl... im here to update again...

lots of things happen... again... im sicked... very sick!!! this red eye of mine... give me such torment and suffering that... i would rather.......

anyway... i dunno where i get this eye from... juz that it hurts like hell on the first day...
and on the night of the first day... it gives me a fever for a welcome present...
2nd day... after a nap... it gives me another present... also in the shape of a fever...
2nd day night... another PRESENT!!!
3rd day's nap... presents!!! plus sore throat as a extra something...
3rd day's night... which is now... ok... no more presents!!!

i cant slp well at night... and im shivering like hell everytime i slp... it seems like i infected both my mum and sis... LOL... now they get MCs too!!!*lets get MC together!!!*

Pretty guilty that i have to let zg take up 3 days of work alone... and today is suppose to be the day he gotta be off from work... but i cant work with my body like this... haiz!!!

everything seems to be fine now... with a few more dose of medicine... i think i shd be fine...

DDR-CRAZE!!!

2007-07-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

As requested by Alica... i gotta blog now...

Like wat i told her, i only blog when my life has problems... Anyway... time to blog now...

hmmm... wat happen nowadays??? actually quite alot...

1: I will not be extended... meaning my japan plan falls through. Either i find a job now... or i have to give up going to japan...

2: i fall in love with DDR. Though its juz keypad smashing now... but i feel i will be buying a pad for my own... need to realli train these legs of mine now...

3: Will be going to the gym regularly... Too much fat is gathering!!! WHY??? "Because NUS left right center also got cafe or canteen!!! BUI TAHAN AR!!!"

4: Im taking up quite alot of new animes at the moment!!! maybe too much...

New animes im taking up now: seto no hanayome(ZG is almost crazy over this one!!!)
Claymore(VIOLENT!!! i LUV IT!!!)
Doujin work(almost laugh my ass off at their " perverty")
Hayate no Gotoku(GOD!!! from Bradd pitt to Inuyasha!!! all is mention here!!!)
Lucky Star(Haruhi fevor lives in it!!! CHARS ARE DAMN CUTE IN THIS!!! MOE FEVOR!!!)

thats all for news update... well... will be updating more...

animes i CONFIRM will be taking up!!!

SHAKUGAN no SHANA( OMGOMGOMGOMGOMomgomgomgomg!!! shana is here again!!! god bless her!!! MOEMOEMOEMOEMOEMOE!!!)

The meloncholy of Haruhi suzumiya( MOE FEVOR!!! prepare for the invasion of Haruhi's SOS brigade!!!)

thats all folks... sore ja... sayonara!!!

Re-Thinkings

2007-06-16T21:38:00.000+08:00

When i look into the screen for blogger, i stop for a while... i dun realli know wat i wanna write about... but yet... i have lots to write... im confused... with alot of things that is happening to me recently...

JUZ finish watching the show in TV... it shows how girls can be nasty... and how battles are fought without anyone knowing about it... it makes me think alot... makes me think that... actually... im in it too...

fighting a war is tiring... but this war... has caused me lots of suffering... i guess i had lost my own personality... all i know about is how to get things done the better way... how to let those ppl feel that i can do it... how to regain my confidence...

i lost myself den... hurting all that is close to me... that matters to me... i realli dun wanna do that... but i guess that i becoming more of an asshole day by day... i remember alicia telling me that if u wanna be a good guy... be so good that all ppl compliments u when they talk about u... if u wanna be a bad guy... make sure u can be so bad...

guess im always in the center... wandering between the lines of good and bad... i always aim to be someone who can be depended on... but does that mean u can harm others to protect the people that are close to u??? i feel that this isn't the mingkang that i wanna be...

some of u may think that i am naive... or juz i dunno about how dark can a guy thinks... i been through all that... i been through so much betrayals... so much deceptions... but i still feel that... no matter wat... we should not hurt others... let them be wat they wan... it does not matters me...

guess i have my new aim now... new heading for life... im going to improve myself... to make sure that i can depended on...

Girls... confused

2007-05-27T22:43:00.001+08:00

Recently, i am realli thinking about things that happen to me... things that ppl did to me. no matter in the past or present, i realli feel so depressed... so disappointed on ppl that i have pour my heart out for...

Retribution... i realli have a taste of that... how i treat her last time... how i was treated...

i am suddenly thinking now... maybe i shdn't fight back anymore... maybe i shd juz let her ruin me... maybe i realli owe her in my previous life... but den... someone close to me will be also affected if i juz go down like that. its juz not fair... making the ppl close to me suffer... because of my weakness...

haiz... juz continue like this... and i think i will be fine... whether or not i win in the end... nvm if i get hurt... if my frens are there for me... i will tahan through...

new... and old things

2007-05-15T22:53:00.000+08:00

been a while since i blog... haha... lemme intro u 2 new animes i have watch over this past few weeks...

first... CLAYMORE... a manga adaptation... my first impression of this anime is... fate stay night...

cause the female lead realli resembles saber... but when i realli go and watch it... it is realli different from fate... it reminds me of mai otome...

It is another anime which involve only female warriers... this time... all of the warriers call claymores are of a bitter past... and they have change to become cold blooded monsters... to kill monsters...

realli love the ED... lyrics speak of the characters of the claymore... but the tune is of helplessness and despair... DAISUKI!!!... will go crazy over this anime... but wun go moe over the female lead... not my type... same goes to arika from mai otome... hahaha....

next is nagaserate airantou!!!! i took interest in this anime as i see HAREM in the description of this anime...

"hey ppl... i'm still a guy k??? my eyes still light up when i see this sort of anime..."

this anime toks about a guy... who drift to an island of onie.........GIRLS!!!!!! and i am toking about beautiful girls... though most still haven pass the age of 16... unlike love hina... HEHEHE...
LOLI!!! ppl!!!

and for u ppl sake... this is the first anime i pull zg in!!! and zg also went crazy over it!!! haha... but he seem to not like any of the girls inside... hahaha...
for me... i like MACHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bout my ps2... i fixed it... AGAIN!!! haha... as i expected... too much excess voltage stored in the ps2... causing the power adapter to spoilt... resolution taken: plug in my mp3 player!!!!!

hahaha... ingenious... am i???

New UNDERSTANDINGs...

2007-05-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

too tired to blog nowadays... very sian too...

wat am i gonna say??? realli forgot wat shd i say le... begin with recent happenings ba...

been storing all the pain i recieve while i'm not in the hse... be it work... or other places... realli tires me out... trying to maintain relationships... trying not to worsen any of them... putting so much effort into all my relationships with everyone... yes... i got tired... again... but den... sad to say... i maintain some... but worsen some...

i have changed... i feel that way... this is the first time i feel i have changed... i accept watever things in my way... and treat it normally... dun wanna run away from anything anymore... i reach an understanding that... some things are wat they are meant to be... some things change... but some would never change... i finally accept that... and understand that... for u to change back to the u in the past... it is gonna be impossible...
By understand this fact, i also noe that... 1+1 may not be equal to 2...---> omg... wat the hell am i saying???

lemme explain... wat i understand is... no matter hw u pile in effort... it wun change anything... hope is wat i feel... useless... to have rite now...

thinking more and more about her... remembering her stupid ways at the hawker centre... at the clock shop... memories all come back to me... but i doubt i have the courage to visit her next yr...

everything is happening all at once again... MOUNTAINS of stress pile up again... at first... i wanna write here that i am gonna lose to this stress... but den... now... when i am writing this... i juz feel that... it's gonna pass through me safely...

deployment of IP phones are now 1 of our job scopes... more job for us again...

almost wanna scold zg ytd... realli getting so fed up of his lazyness... wat the hell is wrong with u??? 4geting the things i have taught u about... but... i did not scold him... as i feel that... zg's my best mate... faults lies in both of us... not juz him alone...

Accepting the way he is... but still trying to change him... now i can realli understand ben's words... when he say he will rely on me... if we are in the same team... that is wat zg is doing now... relying on me...

things look better today... nth much happen... and have a gd talk with zg... i have the feeling that... he wanna change too... and if he wan change, i will try my very best to help him...

writing this... makes me think bout more things again... suddenly... i wanna give another chance... have that small hope in me again... realli should not think so much...

MY PS2 SPOILT AGAIN... THAT FUKING POWER ADAPTER... DAMN SIAN... HAVE TO GO DOWN TO SIMLIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Revived...

2007-04-22T20:00:00.000+08:00

hmmm... guess i realli dun meet my own expectations... getting weak and all that...

This few days... been realli thinking alot... thinking bout my stress... thinking bout my frens... my burdens... and stuff... realli been tough for me out there... but so wat??? i can stand up... tok bout my limits... i haven even reach half of it... guess i'm realli tired... so today i slp for the whole morning and noon... refreshed... i can continue with my long journey onwards...

fir is rite about me... i realli whine too much... wats with me??? getting emo and all that... OMG...

juz wanan say... realli have lots of fun that day... thks to u guys... and gals... i can realli stand up to wat ever stuff that is in my way... wun 4get... would never 4get!!!

-Spreading my wings yet again-

WHERE THE OTAKU IN ME!!!!!

2007-04-16T20:19:00.000+08:00

omgomgomg... wth is wrong with me nowadays... i dun have the mood to watch animes!!!! wat is happening to me???

stress is building up real quick... things are falling on me quicker den i can say "stop" and zhenggen not helping things when his com is about as gd as my old desktop 6yrs back... am i realli that weak to stress??? hope not!!!

why do all of u guys get to go overseas!!!!!!! and have all expenses paid by parents!!! i have to save every cent i get... so i can stand a chance to go japan!!! haiz!!!
ppl changes... that is a proven fact... i am not trying to say i wanna stop that... but i wanna try changing them back... its hard... and i may well dun hav the mental power to do it... but... for their sake... i muz hold on...

have a fren who have taken a little step for a change-back... have a fren who starts walking down the road of change... can i help both of them???

*pillar of support, i will continue to be. as long as the past u still exist.......*

i dun noe wat to do anymore... things start building up all over me... i feel like i am being buried alive... wanna break out... wanna spread my wings again... but juz dun have the strength anymore... as i still have so many ppl under my wings...protecting them is already my limit... and i think i dun even have the strength to hold my limit anymore...

my grandpa passed away last week... i was stunned by the news... and den... grief... and guilt start pouring in... juz the day before... i was telling my parents i will visit him the next day... but...
helplessness... guilt... tears starting pouring out from my eyes... he is staying at NUH... and i am working at NUS... why the hell did i not go visit him!!!! i wanna return to the past... wanna visit him... nvm if he dun remember me... nvm if he chase me out... i juz wanna tell him i care for him...

my heart teared up even now... seeing that i can never visit him anymore...

new things... new days...

2007-03-09T23:12:00.001+08:00

New life rite now... new things happening rite now... makes a nice change... satisfied with wat i have and wat i do now... well... i dun expect much at the beginning...

Listening to FF12 ending song rite now... well... brings back lots of peaceful moments for me... and with the wallpaper i have rite now... well... realli makes peace for me...

this is the pic i mention about... nice desho desho??? boku wo daisuki ne...

have new hopes for this new yr... new things to do... this yr gonna be as quick as the past yrs... haha... so well... hahaha

hmmm... lemme think wat i am gonna write about first... maybe about my new job??? haha

attached to NCS... but deployed to NUS... LO is low chee kin... wat more can i ask??? i am the luckiest bastard in this whole thing... haha... job in NUS is pretty straight forward... i kinda like it... to the extent of me not minding the early waking up and early slping...( well... at least for now) realli is peace out here...

zheng gen's with me... doing things together always... we seem to bond closer and closer through each passing day... thks for everything...zg...

putting away all my hatred and unhappiness now... and getting all the fun i have... i noe it isn't going to last... but i muz cherish watever i have... i have learn that through all this yrs... coz everything or one gd to me will leave me after a period of time...

I love my life... and i cant wish for anything more... i have my goals... and i have my family and frens... i dun think i nid more...

tell u guys... i plan to go to japan this end of yr... with my god-bro and my fren... i noe it is costly... but i will juz have to bear it through and save as much as i could... target is $2400... and i have 8 months in front of me... i am going to japan!!! wish me luk!!!

finally i got things to say to all the ppl close to me...

to ZG: i noe u not gonna see this... but i am juz gonna say it anyway... realli thks for the things u have done for me... for bearing with me... and laughter we had... those were realli great... and i realli cant thks u enuff...

to XINLI: OMG!!! you are 2 yrs older den me... i swear i did not notice it till daryl tell me... thks for the trip to sim lim for me... though it is onie opposite to ur hse... but well... thks anyway... gd luk downstairs... and dun worry... we ppl upstairs will always remember u... P.S: be careful of jason... he realli is desperate for a girlfren... OMG...

to ESTHER: well... wat can i say about u... gd luk for ur ip tel things... hehe... and u are free... plz!!! help us do our "sai kang"... hehehe... juz jk la...

to BEN: u sure are strange nowadays... take care ah... and dun think too much... Girls come and go... but dun get hurt too much... anything happen... i am here...

to FIR: how things out there at IBM??? sure hope i can see u soon... i nid to see ur nipple cracker once more... hehe!!!

to WZ: thks for everything u did for me... i will remember it... and i am trying hard to change my habits... juz give me more time k???

to Alicia: wooo... sure seems like fun over there huh??? WSS training... sure hope i am around to see wat u guys learn... eheheh... seems like u have someone u like ah??? hows he??? tell me... and i help u check whether is he gd enough for u anot... hehehe...keep in touch often ah...

to CAS: haha... u seem strange too... lol... but den again... maybe not... haha... gd luk for ur WSS training too... and tell me watever u learn ah... i wanna learn!!! hehe...

THATS ALL... though i may not have written some names... but u guys are still important pieces in my life... trust me...

new things... new days...

2007-03-09T23:12:00.000+08:00

KIRA

2007-02-21T22:23:00.000+08:00

WHY!!! WHY!!! Y CAN PPL JUZ SAY THIS AND THAT WITHOUT THINKING OF OTHERS???

i am getting tired of this world... never has a time i wish kira to exist so strongly... i wish those ppl with incorrect moral values to vanish from this world...

EVIL... this word... it doesn't juz mean killing ppl or burning others... it should be harming others... not juz physical... but emotionally too!!! BUT WHY??? y cant ppl juz realise this fact???!!?!?!?!?!

i hate this world... i hate the ppl living in it... i hate myself... for not doing anything... but... wat can i do!!! i am not kira... who possess the power to kill ppl as he wish...

i am not one who say i am justice... but i can clearly define wat is rite... and wat is wrong... but... now... even grown-ups have a problem defining rite or wrong!!! i can barely stand it anymore!!!

how can parents be so biased... HOW!!! they only see me doing things they dun like... and scold me for wrongs not done by me!!! and after that... they dun even BOTHER to apologise!!!
and juz a few days ago... i was thinking about wat a gd family i have...

i hate being me... for being so nice to everyone... to let everyone ride on top of me... y cant i defend... y cant i strike back... y cant i juz say that it is enuff...

how can ppl juz do things like that!!!!!!! WHY!!!!

I WAN TO BE KIRA... AND I WAN TO BE STRONGER... NOT TO PROTECT ANYMORE... BUT TO STRIKE BACK... I HATE THE WEAK ME...

WAT TO DO???

2007-01-24T22:37:00.000+08:00

i dunno about lots of things... and i am juz too tired to do anything... i juz feel so cramped up... and stuff... i nid a breather... wooo... i can barely stand it now...

i realise that i have so many frens around me... those who support me... but to me... the more frens i have... the more burden i felt...

rooftop is open again... and i realli wanna go up there and take a look... maybe i will be going later... i nid to shout out loud...

*it maybe easier without those burdens call frens... but without it, life's meaningless*~Sakata Gintoki~

driving myself

2007-01-13T00:43:00.000+08:00

This few weeks... i can feel something slipping away from me... I juz dun have the mood to do anything... Even my work... i lose my goals for life rite now... and i dun have anything which i muz accomplish... Life has lose its meaning to me...

Tired... Sick... of alot of things... wish i can escape from all this... but den... there are gd things here too...

My enthuisum for alot of things has slip away from me... am i juz tired? or am i lazy? Has my laziness finally infected my brain? i dunno... all i noe is... i wanna take a break... i wanna have a breather... Stress is building up on me... Me, who is already mentally weak is breaking down from all the stress...

nvm... i juz take a step back... i noe it is hard... and i noe how difficult it is for me to be back into things... try harder i will...there are ppl relying on me... i muzn't let them down... though they are ALWAYS relying on me... but i dun expect any return... Neverending contribution... is all i can do for u guys...

new song...

2006-12-24T01:41:00.000+08:00

this is the song which accompanys me through my darkness... From D.N angel... this song rings out to me again tonite when i rewatch D.N angel...

The sadness... the way to express desire for the one u love... haiz...

Futatsu no negai

Softly, softly, I close my eyes
Feeling you...

Called by the wind again, I look up at the sky alone
On nights when we can't meet, I send my wish to the stars
Nobody knows the "real me", but
Because I'm here, because I'm waiting

I want only you to notice me
For a long, long time, I've been dreaming
As if my feelings would someday reach you
Softly, softly, I close my eyes
Don't just disappear

Who are you thinking of? What are you looking at?
The reason I can't be honest is that I'm weak
Like this, I pass the nights, wanting to go and see you soon
If my wish were granted, like that time
Would you smile at me?
More and more, I show my dreams

As if my feelings were unstoppable
My trembling, trembling heart
Is searching for you
The sky today is still high and far away
I think of my small self, but
The stars and the dark and the wind and tomorrow
Are continuing on to you

Lots of things happen... well... make sense... coz i haven been updating for a long long while... have alot of happy moments with my frens... have painful moments too... but... all goes well for me nowadays...

in the heavens...we stand!!! This sentence... makes me think alot of the scenery...

me and my frens

The great scenery in the heavcns

well... gotta go for now... i cant possibly upload near 200+ pics into blogger rite??? i will upload more at frenster...

Q&A session!!!

2006-11-26T19:56:00.000+08:00

what is ur name?
CWMKT
How do u feel rite now?
sian... bored...
tell me one thing about life...
meaningless...
wat is the one thing u wan to do now?
dunno... nth interests me nowadays.
song u listening now?
sen no yoru wo koate(bleach movie 2 ED theme)
fav song?
makka no chikai
Person u love the most...
everyone...
ppl u would die to protect...
everyone
ppl u hate...
many... but my hatred for anyone doesn't last
ppl u dislike?
myself
things u lack?
personal hygiene and self-esteem
wings or money?
wings...
girlfren or friends?
er... may decide to pass on both
frens which u are very close to?
er... none i think...
one thing u would wan to do after answering all these?
press X on this screen
song u are listening now?
rolling star by YUI ( bleach newest OP)
one thing u think about blogging?
sian
will continue blogging?
i doubt so...

Caring for others new findings

2006-11-06T02:56:00.000+08:00

first and foremost... i muz target at casilda's blog entry on nov 3... u ask wat would we do if u care and like a person who doesn't shower the same care and concern to u...

i am actually wondering about that too... this past few days... ppl are always not putting in effort in making frens... and maintaining the relationship... once it breaks... they come up with all kinds of reasons to cover for their mistakes... yeah... this is human nature... u cant blame them for doing it...

but today... i realise a new thing... i would wan to help more ppl... but do i have a reason for helping ppl??? i ask myself... all this yrs i have been lying to myself that i have no reason to help ppl... but i juz help...

but today... i realise that i have a reason... i wan ppl to be closer to me... i wan them to understand me... i dun wan to be lonely... i dun wan to be misunderstanded... i wan to mix around with alot of ppl... i wan to be known as their good fren... i had a reason...

alot of things make me realise that... first... being that i am so frustrated and confused by my frens actions and their lazyness in putting in effort... second... being that i am always so happy and stuff when i am around with my frens... and of cos alot of things...

this whole period... i can say that i wan to change... change to be a more evil person... i dun wan to put in any effort already... nth works... putting in effort doesn;t return u any... so y??? all of the ppl around me dun understand me... even my parents dun understand me... they juz think that i am always that son of theirs 10 yrs before... i cried today... cried because i am so distressed and disappointed at their lack of understanding... i dun wan to be in that home... i told myself... i hate to be me... y cant i juz die... no one will care anyway... even if they care... they wun found out that the reason i'm dead is because of them...

that was my current feelings until this afternoon... i found out things that make me more clear wat i am gonna do in the future...

i wan to help ppl... i wan to see their smiles and recieve their gratitude... by helping ppl i become closer to them??? i ask myself... but wat for... i help ppl because i wan to help... i dun nid to be closer to them to help them... by helping them... they wun be closer to me... so wat for i wan to be close to them???

though i admit that i nid ppl to support me and stuff... but i always put others infront of me... wat i wan is my frens' happiness... not mine... or actually... if they are happy... so am i... i am weak... yes... but i muzn;t give up when ppl dun understand me and are distant to u...

helping someone doesn't always get something back... same for care and love... u dun always expected things back... of cos... when u are down and out... u wish for that person to be around u... to noe that u r down... but u cant juz expected them to be here for u...

i found out that ppl with lots of problems are often senstive ppl... like u and alicia... u guys are very sensitive to their surroundings... u guys notice things first hand... this often results in misunderstandings... i am like that too... i muz admit i am also sensitive... but i muz always stay postive... dun let things get to u... if they get to u... den bo bian... juz deal with it... there is little we can do alone... and changing someone is more difficult den u think it is... juz let time pass... and endure it through... u will become a magnficent person...

~~~~you dun nid a reason to help ppl~~~Zidane(ff9)
~~~i protect everyone... BUT WHO PROTECT ME~~~kazuki(busou
renkin)

~~~i am not a jerk... who will onie protect the ones close to him~~~
~~~i wan to protect lots of ppl but~~~
~~~i am not a superman... so i wun be thick and say that i will protect everyone...~~~

KUROSAKI ICHIGO (BLEACH)

worst day of the month???

2006-10-27T20:18:00.000+08:00

i am realli tired now... tired both mentally and phyiscally... frustrated at my character... tired over my neverending contribution...

sometimes ppl realli juz take things for granted... they thought that ppl will always be there... to teach them stuff... but that guys that u guys are using may no longer be around...

tired over so many things... ppl realli dun understand me... my parents dun understand me too... dun understand my fear... my worries... and my condition... they juz take things for granted that i will always be the son in their eyes...

i am so afraid that i am changing... my mindset is starting to change... i am starting to hate all ppl... i am starting to close myself up... not letting any1 close... i dun wanna be like this... yet... so many reasons push me to this extent...NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME AT ALL...OR EVEN TRY!!!

so this is wat u get for being a mr nice guy... being nice and good wun bring u any good... the world is corrupted... all other ppl are trying ways and means to make themselves more confortable... by stepping on ppl... they achieve wat they wan... i hate this kind of world...

but wat can i do? there is so many things that one cannot change alone... am i juz gonna listen to my fate and juz let it controls me???

hopelessness... emptiness... sadness... all this sink into my heart once more... i realli feel that no one is close to me at all... there is no one who i can realli tok to outside... or even inside...

stay positve... i tell myself... no one is perfect... we all have flaws... but... BUT... haiz... there is so much things that i can say i wun say...

finally i wan my class de ppl to understand this one pt of me... I DUN LIKE MY JOB ONE BIT!!!!!! so making fun of me going to work... PLZ!!!!!!

birthday today!!!

2006-10-25T20:42:00.000+08:00

hehe... today i finally turn 18!!! m18 movies... i can watch u now!!!

today nth much happens... except the fact that i am realli very excited over death note...to the extent of having foolish thoughts... nvm that... i am overall quite cheerful today...

recovering decently now... as i have 2 off days in a row... i am so tired over work... and my performance is dropping too... so this 2 off days i am glad to have...

NIPPONSEI is late at giving me my birthday presents!!! where is my black blood brothers OP and ED!!! haha... once i get the ED... it will be the first korean song in my computer... realli shocked at that time... when they play the korean song... jap anime with korean song??? lol!!!

finally gotta watch my gintama... damn lame and funny anime... juz imagine a bunch of samurai having sword fights... but u can see someone taking a badminton racket?!?!?!?!??!!! wtf is that!!! haha...

having my pay day in next weeks time... finally am able to buy the things i wan... GANBETTE ON!!

~you can only move forward believing in everything~
~if you do something wrong, juz try ur best to make amends and continue moving forward~
+ by Arika Yumemiya+

A new song!!!

2006-10-20T00:33:00.000+08:00

uploading a new song... the OP from busou renkin... damn!!! i love this song!!! it sang my exact feelings out... and also teach me wat to do...

MAKKA NO CHIKAI(tv size)

LET'S BURN!!!
THERE'S NO TIME STANDING AROUND.
I DON'T HAVE THE LEISURE THINKING THINGS THROUGH.
I'VE GOT ALL THE FEELINGS CRAMMED UP IN MY CHEST
AND I AM GOING OUT INTO THE SCORCHING BATTLE.
IT'S SUCH A GREAT WALL OF POWER,
A HUGE DARKNESS IN THE WORLD.
BUT I'LL WILL NEVER GIVE UP( this part is actually i will never lose... but the translator choose to put give up... make more sense i think)
I'LL SURPASS ALL MY LIMITS!!!
RIGHT NOW THERE MIGHT BE A LOT OF THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
BUT I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP FOLLOWING THIS PATH I BELIEVE IN.
ANY KIND OF FOE OR FRIEND IS JUST FINE WITH ME.
I'LL WILL NEVER LET GO OF THIS HAND.
A BLOOD-RED OATH!!!
FOREVER,FOREVER,KEEP CHASING AFTER...
TO THE ENDS OF EARTH,TO THE ENDS OF EARTH, THE COURAGE FOR TOMORROW.
TO THE ENDS OF EARTH,TO THE ENDS OF EARTH, KEEP THE BLAZING FLAMES OF YOUR HEART ALIVE!!!

i specially love this part... forever forever... TO THE ENDS OF EARTH!!!
and the surpassing limits part... it teach me that i have to surpass my limits to do watever u wan to do... i will try my best to do juz that...

working 10 hrs straight today... went home early ytd as i almost faint... so i have to work 2 more hrs... haha!!! so tired... heng tomolo is an off day... and i can enjoy sch life without work... hahaha...

tahan tahan TAHAN!!!

2006-10-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

haha... more things for me to endure now!!! juggling both sch and work at the same time... haha!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

am i laughing too much??? wtd!!!

0026 now... sch starts at 0800... and i should be slping... rite??? i am tired... very tired... juz came back from work... but i have 2 current animes i am downloading... and by the time it finish... should be about 1+ le... haiz... should i slp???

both animes are wat i would die to see... should i slp???

nah... dun wanna slp... muz tahan... but... tomolo i wun be able to slp till 12 midnite... can i realli endure till den??? haiz... muz la... cannot endure faint loh... wun die de la... haha... k ba... dun slp...

getting more and more ideas for my death note game... shouldn't be long be4 i introduce it to the whole NP... haha... i wan our NP to communicate more... dun juz tok among classmates... haha...

addicted to a new song which keep on ohh oh ohohoho.... by high and mighty colour... dive into urself!!! and the best is... the female lead singer says out "perfect" at the end of the song... nice... "imagining myself singing" haha... that would only happen when i found myself a band... haha!!!

signing out now.... sch is fun this sem!!! i would be able to learn new technics!!! *sinister laugh*

SCH STARTS LE!!!

2006-10-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

SCH STARTS LE!!! meaning 2 weeks have pass from the start of my ordeal... haha... this 2 weeks... how should i say? i suffered disappointment, torment, insults, scoldings and hidden knifes... i enjoyed spilts seconds of pleasure, company of more frens and more information... overall... this 2 weeks have pass quite good for me...

i muz admit... i am realli weak... my mind is so weak... i cannot endure 8 hrs of standing... how am i gonna survive NS??? i am weak... so i muz train myself to become strong... thats wat i decided to do!!!

finally sch starts le... my plan firstly is to juz attend 4 days of sch in this 2 weeks... as i have to work full time... but now... after my ingenious planning... i will only be missing 4 days of my class... haha!!! realli relieved that i am able to attend so many days... after i start enduring this work... i find that going to sch is so so so much easier den going to work... so i dun think i will be poning much in the future... haha... finally i have change my habit!!!

~trying ur best all of the time will drive u mad!!! the best way is to give urself some rest!!!~ CWMKT

daijobu... honto ni daijobu

2006-10-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

blogging because i have nth else to do anyway... lets juz update on recent changes...

added a song into my blog... it is call hoshiakari... from jyukai... it is the ending song of busou renkin... i love this song!!! especially the starting part...

hey, can u hear my voice calling out to you?
is it reaching into ur heart?

DAISUKI!!! haha...

juz get info from my frens that i can get advance salary after 15 days at work... yeah... but my hopes aren't high... first is... i am on probation...* not as bad as u guys think... i am on probation because i am new... as simple as that...* second is i cant get my fav ps2...
i dun wan to have my ps2 because it is still too early for one... and i would be defeated again if i get that...
juz imagine the situation where i have a ps2 and i am about to go to work... i am sure to be controlled by my lazyness and start playing ps2...NAH!!! I AM NOT GONNA MAKE IT SO EASY FOR IT TO CONTROL ME!!!

so i have decided to buy a bike first...*bicycle i mean*
hehe... finally a form of transport... i hate to walk long distance... especially when i have to go CCK lots of time because of my frens... haiz!!!

~NTH WILL CHANGE IF U CHANGE... THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND U... ~
~BUT SOMETHING WILL CHANGE IF U REMAIN UNCHANGED... THAT IS BECAUSE U ARE TURING THE WORLD AROUND~ *BY~ CWMKT~

failure

2006-10-11T19:29:00.000+08:00

I LOST...

breaking down

2006-10-11T06:32:00.000+08:00

i am breaking down... my lazyness is taking control over me... my whole mind rite now is about how am i gonna escape from today's work... or worse... how am i gonna quit this job... i am realli failing...

everyday... trying my best to drag myself up and go to work is very hard work... i dunno wat to do anymore... am i realli gonna be so weak the whole of my lifetime???

---i feel that if one's mindset starts to change, his character will gradually change too--- ~HARUHI FUJIOKA~

interview!!!

2006-10-09T22:11:00.000+08:00

okok... here we go with a interview with mr wang!!!

reporter:I heard now u r working at a petrol station... how is it there???
WMK: not bad... things are gd... uncles are nice... customers are friendly... managers are kind... wat can i ask for??? hmmm... maybe a place to sit... i seriously nid to sit... my legs are aching every sec i stand...

reporter:hmmm, if ur legs cannot tahan, y u still choose that job? considering it is a full time job...
WMK: i think i take this job is... there are no other jobs out there... the other thing is... i seriously nid to defeat someone... my lazyness haven strike because it is the holidays... it is currently putting all its strength into the new semester and is going to attack full out at my weak mind... so i muz strengthen my mind and initatie a secret attack on it...

reporter: u r toking like u treat it as a real enemy...
WMK: YEAH... it is an enemy... it strikes at any possible time... when ur mind is weakest and u cant think straight... it makes ur life miserable... and ur future ruined... so far... i am juz able to make it through my days through some hard work... but if i am going to NS and outside world... it would definately ruined me... no matter how clever i am...

reporter:so how's ur confidence in beating it?
WMK: i am failing... everyday i work... i would wan the time to pass faster... i cant tahan my legs aching... but every time when i nid to go work... i will tell myself... i muz not be defeated... i muz go... this lazyness isn't taking over my body so easily... i muz regain control of my limbs.. i wan to become stronger in the mind... I WAN!!! and so... i go to work everyday...
reporter: i wish u will defeat ur lazyness and become a new chris... so how ur animes doing?
WMK: rite now... i take up 3 more animes... death note, cresent love and negima... Negima is actually a released anime... but the fans and producers think that it is not a gd one... and decided to remake it... from its trailers... it should be good... hoping for a nice time with it... for death note... most of u guys will noe wat i am toking about... as its movie will be releasing in singapore soon... this is an awesome anime and it is the first one which makes me realli salute the author... i totally respect the author...

reporter: so u r doing gd with animes... how bout gaming???
WMK: MAI OTOME ROXS!!! juz because of this game... i am gonna buy one ps2 after i get my salary... other den that... i will buy a bike... for easy transport...

reporter:heard u r going to sign up for superband... hows ur band going?
WMK: i muz admit... the dream of me being a lead singer of a band is a rash descsion... currently, i dun have the thoughts of forming a band anymore... but that doesn't mean i am giving up... though too many things are pulling me back... i muz say... those things are realli hard for me to go through... and i realli have no confidence to say i will go through all of them... so... let juz take it that i am not gonna form a band le... k???

reporter:ok... so that ends our small interview with u... nice time with u today...

current work

2006-10-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

My work now is as a petrol pump attendant... hahaha... many of my frens are very surprised y i get into this job... the reason is simple... i dun have any other jobs on hand...

tired now... working juz for 3 days... and i am already feeling the strain... how am i going to survive the month???

work there is simple.. easy and er.... informative... is there such a word??? haha... i got alot of information i wan from customers... about petrol prices... raise rates... lots of stuff... the only problem is my legs cant tahan...

standing for 8 hrs straight is killer... so i will always eat snake... muz eat ah... if not... i sure die de... legs are killing me... especially after that time in the hotel...

everyday asking customers the same thing over and over again... nth special there... but i like this job... of cos i will not be staying there for long... but currently... all things are looking up at me... salary is ok... with lots of incentives and extra money...*plus tips from customers... hehehe* my fellow colleages*dunno how to spell* are very nice to me...
though they are all uncle... haha...

today time pass very fast... maybe because i eat snake alot... haha... tok alot with one uncle... he is a devoted buddlist... and we tok alot about gods, recarinations, ways of life... understand alot from him... and in turn noes more about lifes's law... in short... it is a pleasure toking to him... haha!!!

wat colours am I to u???

2006-10-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

Title taken from a song by suara... i love this song as this song sang about neverending contribution to the one she love... but at the same time asking wat am i to u?

this song appears at the end of utawarerumono, when hakuoro prepares for his neverending slumber... and his love, eruru desperately asking him to stays...

the ending is sad... in a way... as they r not together at the end... but it seems complete as eruru decided to wait forever for her one and only love...

this is the end of utawarerumono... an anime which i have chased for 6 months now...

demonbane... an anime which i kinda like... because of her female lead... *hehehe*
at the end of this anime... al azif send her love kurou back to earth... wishing that even if she die... she would be happy as kurou is safe... but at the last part... she manage to return to earth and stay with kurou...

nice ending... like how kurou stupid ways of care managed to touch al's heart...

an anime i have chased for 5 months... ~end~

school rumble

an absoultely lame and stupid anime describe how triangle relationships can be so painfully fun and exciting...

been chasing this anime for 2 seasons now... the ending for both seasons are a total mystery as both of them conclude nth and leave the conclustion to the next season...
but throughout this anime... u can see the character growth... and the relationship of each character change so magically...

looking forward to the new season...

ouran high school host club...
another thourughly lame anime because of the male lead...

at the end of the anime, tamaki decided to give up his host club juz because he can see his mother again... but our female lead return to her senses and managed to hold tamaki back at the last moment...

like how this anime turn out... and we can see haruhi finally falling in love with tamaki...

4 months now...

suddenly so much anime ended... feeling lonely all of a sudden... but nvm... i get a couple of animes lined up for released...

busou renkin, death note and school rumble sangaki

realli looking forward to all that...

work start tomolo... working 8 hours straight... i never been able to work so long before... frankly... i dun like work much... unproductive work i dun like... so i am gonna use this work to train up my determination to work... i give up easily... i muz not give up... or else... how am i gonna survive in the future???

chinese lyrics???!?!?!?!??!?!

2006-09-25T10:20:00.000+08:00

李心洁 - 《恋》

不愿承认不愿面对
我真的爱你很深很深
一个笑容一句话语
都让我心跳很快很快
每个思索每个欲望
全被你占据很满很满
无法平静不想透露
因为爱你快乐很久很久
情愿醉死在梦里
当一切都变得无力
情愿为你而美丽
当你呼唤我的名字
情愿默默的隐藏
当它只是一个错误情愿
很久的以后
当一切都被时间冲淡

我只会更爱你

for those who cant see the lyrics i will give u the webby...
http://music.bjzf.gov.cn/html/g/3735.htm

李心洁对不起我不爱你

打开电脑发个邮件 BABABA
发现你给我的留言一句话
你说你是真的喜欢
我的头皮马上开始发麻
原来你早就已暗恋著我

左想右想胡思乱想怎么办
总得有个解决方案才算完
先去聊天找点灵感
然后回来给你发个E-MAIL
告诉你我不能接受
对不起！我不爱你
恋爱不能虚情假意做游戏
天涯处处有芳草
你一定能够找到
对不起！我不爱你
恋爱是个不大不小的事情
你可要想明白
我不是你的最爱

我不想伤害你
I MUST SAY GOOD-BYE

http://music.bjzf.gov.cn/html/g/3730.htm

all 2 songs are from ma la xian shi... still got one song which i never go and find the lyrics... well... i love all 3 of them... haha... i also got listen to chinese songs de hor...

maybe a new blogskin???

2006-09-19T01:17:00.000+08:00

thinking of changing blogskin already... wanna find a new layout from another anime... hehe... maybe i go search for it???

here i am... listening to mai-hime songs... suddenly it spark new hope and life in my body... before that... i am feeling quite down and stuff... but never mind... all is gone now...

all i wan is to be release from this endless nites and start to live in the sun... realli very depressing... to keep being in the dark...

teaching sarah how to forget... i tried my method too... but it will truely be useful next sem... so i will wait till den... hehe... cant wait for a new beginning...

BLOG JUMPING

2006-09-18T06:33:00.000+08:00

Went to all of my class blogs to see wazzup in their life... realli shocked me a great deal as some blogs i dun even noe exists... well... i'm not much of a blog person... rite???

feeling better now... juz thought of a line in a song...

~The answer is always in my heart~

yeah... i keep asking myself this few days whether i can survive through this messed up life... whether can i have the strength to put things rite...
well... the answer is in my heart... so this is again my famous line...

~It is not whether u can anot... it is u wan anot!!!~

tried to put things rite ytd... went to climb bukit timah hill with my parents... my first step in making things rite... my next step is to learn bass from nicholas...have to try to put in effort for superband... this is my dream...

i am still here writing this entry because my life is still messed up.. blogging at 6.35 am??? OMG!!! well... have to do something to fix that...

well... i read firdaus blog also... he is also writing to the class about things... so i think i follow suit... hehehe!!!

to zheng gen: U are my greatest buddy in sch... i may have scolded u or something... but i will onie do that because u are someone i cared for... i noe it is hard for u to be with me... and so i thks u alot for juz being that with me...

to wei zheng: u!!! YOU!!! wat should i say about u!!! lolz... u r always bullying me... *sobsob* but den... i noe that some ppl r like that... and i dun blame u... u say some of the obvious things that i have missed... and u r the only one who can realli stay away from the "war of the class". and so... u r the one who see things wat others cannot see...

to benedict: you r one who sided me with me in the "war of the class". for this alone... i will die for u... i remember telling u that i dun wan ppl to follow me... instead i wan ppl to be beside me and be my frens... if u do juz that... i will do all i can to help u... even in the expense of my own life... u did juz that... and i am realli grateful to u...
P.S: dun hang around computers for a long time... it harms u!!!

to firdaus: u help me alot... whether in sch work or relationships... u r someone who noes how to loosen up the mood in situations... in this war of the class u did not realli take up sides... u juz be the same u in the war... and because of this... i get to noe u better... been with u for both IS modules... would hope to be with u again next sem...

to Ian: in this war of the class, u take the opposing side...i can not say that i dun blame u... instead... of all the ppl in the class... i blame u the most... lol... but den... u r forgiven... lolz... cause i am not that kind of vengeful ppl... *though i tok alot about past grudges...* well... in a war.. sometimes it is not up to u... rite???

to casilda: you r sort of neutral in this war of the class... u give support to all sides... and always give nice advices...though i cant tok to u much in class... i noe that u r a kind person... do not be affected by wat other ppl says... and always be the u... the casilda who is always willing to help...

to alicia: i be frank to u... no more hide ups... no more masks... i juz say wat i wan here... whether is it true anot... watever happen is already history...

i notice that u changed alot... ALOT!!! maybe because of lots of reasons... or something like that... u have realli changed... u r wearing even more masks den the whole class is wearing...

to be frank... i dun understand the present u... but in my heart... i always noe that watever happen... it happens due to a reason... watever u r doing... is not the real u... i always believe in that... and so... i am always waiting for a day the alicia i noe returns...

In this "war of the class", u r the opposing side... u did things that i would never dream of u doing it... I am not a god... i am a human... i get angry also... and the more u do all those things... the more anger is stored in my heart...

BUT!!! watever that has happens already happened... we r still here looking at each other blogs and trying to find out wat each other is thinking... this is most important... so let us juz forgot all those unhappy moments and still be frens... don'cha think???

to rachel, janice and shihui: u 3... realli very troublesome girls... lolz... not janice much... haha... rachel... i think u r a straightforward girl who dare to speak up... u r always one who dare to show her emotion in front of everyone... u wear no mask... u r who u r... u r wat we see u as... shihui ma... u r like rachel... juz that u r more er... "outstanding" den her... hmmm... maybe because of ur orange??? lolz...
P.S: eh... dun bully janice so much ah... take it that i am asking u girls as her "husband".lol!!
*this is gonna cooked up more misunderstandings!!! haiz!!! as if my life isn;t mixed up!!!*
to shannon de gang: lolz... how should i say u guys... fun and fashionable??? lolz... aiya... juz be urselfs can le...
*tired liao... wanna slp so dun wanna type so much... hehehe*

RECENT DAYS AND MEMORIES

2006-09-16T04:21:00.000+08:00

today... today!!! wat a day... wat should i say about today??? lets juz start on how are my recent days...

this holidays to me are all messed up... i feel messed up... my life is messed up... alot of things i never do... those which i should be doing i did not do... but i juz cant seem to have the strength to make things rite again... am i juz weak???

i feel weak... tired... and stressed... i feel alone... helpless... scared!!! i dun dare to take a step forward anymore... i feel that i dun have the strength... my body isn;t reacting wat i told it to do... can i do it???

my body is getting weaker by the day... my mind is getting messed up by the hour... i juz cant seem to gather my strength and make things rite... haiz!!!

my old illness is acting up again... hurts all over... feeling so weak... haiz...

in a realli low point of my life... juz cant seem to be back my normal self... but den again... i feel that i dun wanna be my old self anymore... i juz wanna rest in my weak self and endure it through this holidays... but i juz cant...

my parents are forcing me to work again... circumstances are forcing me to work... i realli dun wanna work... but... i nid the money...

results come out ytd... did not slp the whole nite... er... yeah... one of the main reasons i feel messed up because my living patterns has changed... i totally cant slp in the nite... and den... i slp through de morning and almost the whole afternoon...so messed up...

back to my results... i dunno how to say... i can juz say that i totally dun care wat my results are... it is like... i dun even worry wat kind of grades i get.. did i failed??? did i pass??? did i get good grades??? i totally did not worry about such things...not because of i have confidence in myself... maybe i juz dun have the strength to worry anymore... haiz!!!

nevertheless... i got ok results... 2.75 gpa... with 1AD, 2B and 4C... i am shocked that i have an AD for egames... well... i also not sure y i am shocked... lolz... well the rest... i expect to get an A for IN... but den TJK juz think that i am too noisy for an A... so nvm...

looks like i cant break through the 3 barrier... cant fall through the 2.5 barrier too... haiz...

slpt the whole day ytd... old illness acting up... slpt at morning... woke up at 4... slpt again at 7 after eating dinner... den wake up again at 3am today... feeling weak all over... haiz!!!

online to see other ppl's blog on their result... was realli surprised to see alicia's blog writing to all of us... lolz...
dunno wat to say to that... well... realli dunno...

STRANGER: BUT SHE'S THE ONE U LIKE SO MUCH BEFORE!!!
lolz!!! to say the truth... i realli dunno... lots of things happen between the 2 of us... it's like a drama series... so much things happen... till the extent that i am numbed to it now... maybe because of my current situation... i cant feel anything else besides weakness...
STRANGER: DEN U JUZ GONNA LET IT PASS LIKE THAT???
lets leave it to fate... after so many things... i have learned that trying is realli tiring... both of us are running in circles... chasing something that never stops... lets juz leave to fate... i dun wanna think so much about it too...

--- Looks like i never leave the race once before ---

superband

2006-09-10T16:21:00.000+08:00

yeah... i am forming a band to go into superband next year... things is very hard around here... VERY HARD... we guys have no instruments to start with... no skills to tok about... no money to get wat we wan... wat else can we do???

but den... i am hoping that if we dun have all those things... we muz at least have the enthuisum to go into it... but i feel that my fren is losing it fast... this is realli weighing me down... as i have enough probs to face at the moment and i would realli appreicate it if u dun add more to my burden... i am trying real hard to find us a teacher and get money for the fees... haiz...

i realli wan all of us to be very "into" it... skills??? we can learn them and brush them up later... money??? we can earn them... instruments??? after we got the money... this is easy...
but wat we seriously muzn't lack is enthuisum... haiz...

this is a dream i seldom have... something which to me is still unreachable... but now... i have the strength to reach for it...
so plz dun give me any more discouragement...

My band consist of three members now... me, my fren and firdaus... nid one more...
realli wanna see firdaus's drum skills... at least we still have someone who noes about instruments... lolz...
as for me and my fren... i am trying to be the singer... my fren be the bassist...
so wat i have to do noe is to brush up on my singing skills... lolz...

song lyrics yet again!!!

2006-09-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

I look up on the starry sky
My light, tell me
where are you right now?
and who's with you?

Thinking about the fun that we used to have
only makes me lonely
I watched the movie
that we watched together
alone

The person that I love is far away
so far away that I want to cry
When I wake up tommorow
look!
maybe a new hope will be born
Good night!

I still I still I love you
I'm waiting waiting forever
I still I still I love you
And this feeling cannot be stopped (Hi!)

At the edge of my sleep,before my dream ends
I remembered that one day
Your words have a bit of lie

Only you, I won't let go
I will hold you tight
Your promise with　Fuwari dissapeared in the dark night
I always search for the person I love
searching forever
surely the eye have awaken,
But I haven't seen the morning

I lost I lost I lost you
You're making making my music
I lost I lost I lost you
Is it not changing anymore? (No!)

The person that I love is far away
so far away that I want to cry
When I wake up tommorow
look!maybe a new hope will be born
Good night!

The person that I love is far away
too far away that I want to cry
surely the eye have awaken,
But I haven't seen the morning

I still I still I love you
I'm waiting waiting forever
I still I still I love you
This feeling cannot be stopped
I still I still I love you
I'm waiting waiting forever
I still I still I love you
We haven't met again have we ? (Ne!)

this is the english lyrics of lost my music from Aya Hirano... love this song...

this song comes out at episode 12 of the meloncholy of haruhi suzumiya...
love this anime as it focus alot on wat is life and how it maybe from different ppls' views...

i also got my views on life but den... not gonna say now... anyway... thats the song... trying hard to sing this song... quite hard... but well... i love it... so should be ok ba...

------------------ ~top 3 anime girls i love~----------------------

1. Shana( Shakugan no Shana)

2.Haruhi( The meloncholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)

3. Al Azif( Demonbane)

airport

2006-09-01T19:44:00.000+08:00

lotsa things happen during this few days... i feel down... coz most of them are unpleasant things... i dunno wat to do... dunno wat to say... so i juz let it goes with my character... wanna act cool and dun wanna care... but den... it juz seems that my character isn't that kind of a guy...

i did something that i cant forgive myself again... i walk away from a fren in nid... i realli cannot bear doing that... but den... haiz... though i noe this cant reach u... but i am realli sorry about wat that has happened... give me some time can??? i wanna learn how to face u guys again...

was sending my god-bro off ytd... full of mixed feelings when i am in the airport... i dunno wat to say to him... yet i am so worried for him... i dun wan him to go... yet... i wan him to see new things... let him have deeper sense of the world outside of our tiny little estate neighbourhood...
in the end... i juz tell him iterashei...(see ya later)... his fren is realli jealous... from wat i can see from his face... well... i am too... cause i cant get to go overseas as often as my god-bro... well... juz wish he can learn new things over there at japan...

my parents go overseas again... well... actually juz malaysia... i am realli jealous... cause i wanna go... my last trip to malaysia is purely business... cant get to play at all... but now... they did not even tell me be4 they say they wanna go malaysia... haiz... nvm... i can handle myself... loneliness isn;t a strange thing to me... it is always there... with regret and remorse... these three things always accompany when they are out...

feeling so down this few days because of these things... realli hope to break free from all these and have some nice times with my frens and family members... well... hard to get... but hope isn't a rare thing to me... rite???

to alicia and casilda: all the best for ur IA and keep ur moods up...
to casilda: dun let other ppl get to u... if things realli get out of hand... well... talk things over... k???

recent days again!!!

2006-08-22T01:21:00.000+08:00

nothing much happen during this few days... er... actually lots of things happen... but den... things got better and better... so i think... ok la!!!

this few weeks... i build stronger bonds with my frens... sch frens that is...
they nid help in their studies... so i tried my best to help...

from FF9... this is zidane quote" u don't need any reason to help someone"

i am trying to be like him... from the first time i played the game... i try to be like him... if there is anyone who nids my help... i will try my best...
i help ppl not because there is any benefits for me... never... and most of the time... it actually take something from me whenever i help someone... but i am willing to do all that... if i can see that person's smile at the end of the day... i will be sastified...

from alicia's blog she said that everyone is actors... hmmm... correct... in some sense... yeah!!! we nid to hide our "not so pretty" side from others... but should we realli hide our true self from them???

to me... i dun think there is a nid... rite... u will be hurt badly and ppl will noe wat is ur weakness... but if u guard against everyone... when can someone realli go into ur life??? NO...

frens come and go everytime... that is a fact in life... do we realli nid to seal our self up to guard against this kind of thing???
again my ans is no...

so we should juz open up and show our true self... though at the future... when u come out to work... this is a realli stupid way to face others... but i think... this is the rite way... always bear hope in ur heart... no matter how many times this hope is taken away from u...

hope is wat i nid... and it is wat i will always have... ALWAYS... coz without hope... u will sink into despair...

korean dramas

2006-08-06T20:36:00.000+08:00

juz watch finish a korean drama... finish it in 2 days... as u all noe... korean drama more or less are about love and things... and it will be very strange if a guy was to watch it... lolz... well... it is a comedy love drama la... i nid comedies... so i juz watch it...

learn alot from that drama... and let me rethink alot... i think about the past...

okok!!! stop thinking about the past and get back to the present... i am not debarred!!! debarrment period is over!!! and i nid to study...

things happen alot in classes!!! i have a deeper knowledge of ppl... i noe stuff that u ppl thought that i dunno... i dunno things that u guys noe... well... i guess i manage a grab into control of things...

debarrment... such a long word... but such a short time to let u feel the real horror of the word... i am lazy... because of this... i am in danger from debarrment... laziness... it is a sickness that has grab control over my limbs... i noe some ppl will juz feel that i am finding an excuse...

maybe ba... i am realli finding an excuse... i am lazy... and it is me who can cure that... LAZY SAY LA!!! DUN act like U GONNA DIE LIKE THAT!!!

my self-determination is all gone... self esteem... i dun have that anymore...

but now... i wanna prove to the ppl in the world... that i will succeed in life... i will manage a way... I WANNA BE A SUCCESSFUL ENTRPEUNER!!!

~ my heart is all dead now~

~leaving me a hollow body~

~when will it fills up?~

~~~~~~NO ANSWER!!!~~~~~~~

webby obtained!!!

2006-08-02T21:09:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Yi7dpPazog
song- We Survive by kotoko

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9uyR3faWXU
song- Ichrin no hana by high and mighty colour

recent life

2006-08-02T20:48:00.000+08:00

back to the happy and carefree me again... but this week makes me feel that i nid to change... realli... i cannot expect ppl to be like me... and try to change ppl to the way i wan them to be... it is tiring... like that... so i wan to change myself to suit them...

FINALLY MY E-GAMES IS OVER!!! a million thks to ppl who help me with this... realli... honto ni arigatou!!!(thks really) fir-san, jan-san and ian-san... (hehe) honto ni arigatou!!!

dunno whether we did well for this... last nite... i was so so worried that i make fir-san angry... coz i *sort of* refuse to listen to his comments about the trailer and being stubborn about it... eventually... things turn out the best way... as i create a trailer which fir-san likes... and we are able to present to the class both trailers!!! honto ni arigatou!!!

from wat our teacher says... our class has 3 groups which has good presentations... well... one of them is us... we think... (er... maybe i think so onie) fir-san is saying about we getting an A in this... lolz... but i am aiming for Ad... hehehe... well... i think we can get an A... at least!!!

the trailers i will be up loading to you tube in a moment... and let the world out there comment on it... i noe it isn't well done... and it isn't up to my expectations... but it is my first and second try in making an AMV(anime music video) a.k.a trailer...

the webby i will be writing here in a moment... so if u guys out there wanna watch it... den come on and see for urself!!!

Silence(silent)

2006-07-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

wat could you have done??? i keep on asking myself... wat will u do if u are in other ppl shoes... again... i think... again i forced myself to understand wat were they thinking... i dun understand myself anymore... i dun even wanna understand about myself... there are things which keep me back from showing my true self... is the real society out there realli a place where u can't show ur true self anymore???

i wanna held my head high and walk the earth... i wanna noe that i am right... and do watever i please... i dun wanna care how other ppl think about me...

my frens... they are so important to me... so bloody important to me that i can sacrifice my own life to save any of them... others before me... i did ask myself... before i go deeper into frenship... can i make him more important den me??? and i ans yes always...

i treat all of my frens as true frens... as true buddies... that we can scold around... play around... joke around... and things... but apparently... i have misplaced my trust in them...

SO... i will hold my tongue... keep myself from toking much... i shall kill my heart... i dun wanna put in more effort into frenships which has no meanings inside... i shall keep my silence... to let ppl not to dislike me... and to make myself dislike ppl... i will change myself into a darker person... a more deep person... i shall kill ppl without them noeing it...

i dislike being myself more and more... this god-damn sense of peace loving... this god damn sense of wanting to outshine others... this stupid sense of saying" u guys must have ur reasons for doing that"

NO... I WANNA KILL EVERY ME INSIDE THAT HAVE ANY OF THIS VALUES... to make myself into a darker person... this is wat i can do... for now...

trying hard... but i am too tired!!!

2006-07-20T23:57:00.000+08:00

wat is the defination of trying hard?? i think of this question for a long time already. is it juz coming to school everyday and be so cheeky to teachers that teachers fear to see u and try to avoid u? is it not coming to school and staying at home reading ur own notes??? is it by saying dunno u try to slack??? or is it juz trying to escape from work by saying" i have no mood to do that now" i realli dunno wat the hell is trying hard anymore...

i guess everyone has a way of trying hard... his or her own way of trying hard... others may not see that he or she is trying hard... but in fact... he or she is trying as hard as possible... well i dunno... cause i cannot be that person... i can't argue against myself to justify ur actions...cause ur actions has already pass the boundaries of normal thinking.

i am so damn stressed and tired now... my oop has slackened... i trying my best to catch up with oop... i accepted critiscm that i have not been listening in class... i accepted... because i am guilty of it... i wanna catch up... but i does not help when ppl juz try to shove more work ur way...

i am tired... realli... i force myself to get up from my bed and wear my smelly slippers to sch... i force myself to smile and say"nvm... i am not angry with u guys" i force myself to try and understand ppl... when my gut feeling is that those guys out there are juz trying to get an A without any real hard work putted in... I AM TIRED!!! realli... i wish i can juz rest for a day and not come to sch... let my mind rest and things... but... i can't... work is piling up... work that isn't mine is piling up!!! i have to do... i muz do... for others... and for myself... i realli dun like to do this... but i will do it... if thats wat u guys wan me to do...i value others more den myself... i wan others happier den me... i wan to noe that their happiness is all brought by me... i wan such a sense of achievement... i wan to juz help them bit by bit... lessen their burden bit by bit...

i hate fights... i hate quarrels... i love peace... i like peace... i dun wanna give up peace juz to say that i am right... i rather let the whole world thinks that i am wrong... if that can be exchanged for peace... i willingly give up my right to prove that i am correct... yet... i can't bear it anymore... but i still like peace... wat should i do??? throw my feelings here... that is the only thing i can do... to stop myself froming flaring up... to stop myself from jumping down... i wanna escape... i dun wanna be me anymore... this stress... this agony... this god damn stupid sense of peace-loving... i wan to noe how to hate ppl... i wanna noe how to scold ppl back... i wanna noe how to tell ppl off when i am correct... i love all that... but i can't do that... i wanna ask tjk lots of ques todae... but ppl call me yaya when i ask ques... so i refrain from asking...

i accepted yaya this nickname because i failed to turn up for that soccer match... that i accepted... but for calling me yaya juz because i wanna catch up on studies and ask ques... " wtf is wrong with u ppl!!!!"

gotta get back to e games... i am tired... but i can't slp till janice did her part... i wanna make sure that all of my group mates have finish... den i can slp... others before me... that will be my way of living... though i dun like this way of living... but compared to ppl who can hurt those they meant to hurt... i prefer this way of living better...

xin li yi sheng

2006-07-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

i guess some ppl juz nid to cool down for a while... some times over care and concern will bring harm to the person... sometimes.... the more u care... the more u hurt that person...

haiz... being a doc is realli hard... but i am doing fine... i think i can do wat she taught me to do... Now... with my heart dead... i wun have to worry about whether i will fall in love with my patients anymore...

Alot of times when one knows a person very well... u will be curious to find out more... more and more... till u eventually find out that u have fallen in love for her... but now... i dun nid to worry about those anymore... i juz do wat i wan to do... and juz be done with it...

till now... i have relieved 3 of my frens out of their misery... i dunno wat i can do for them in the beginning... but at least i still have ears for them to say wat they wan... still have my hands for me to pat them on the back... still have my shoulder for them to rest on...

but as things go on... i realise that i can help them... since i am an outsider... i see things more clearly den them... so i can see wat lies ahead of them...

lolz... why am i saying so much about this... maybe it is wat happen ytd... wat happen realli shocked me... and make me feel that if i am not there... god noes wat happen to that girl...

ytd... after work... i was pulled out by yan ping to eat supper... she was normal back den... and the four of us... me, kenny, eeling and her go a long way to eat roti prata... which is outside national library... we tok about alot of things... and kenny seems unhappy about yan ping and me... maybe because he is jealous or something...*me and yanping were mainly the one toking*
after that... we went into a bar for some drinks... remembering my last mistake on drinks... i dun wanna drink... eeling and kenny dun wanna drink too... so yan ping drink alone... eeling allows yanping to drink 1 cup onie... coz she dun like her to drink... but after that one cup... yan ping help me order one x~atasy... after that she juz drink abit from my cup... eeling straightaway become angry with yanping but she never say anything...

after that because of this... i try to drink finish the x~atasy... it taste nice... totally... but den... it is highly achoholic and i think i can;t survive the trip home if i finish one of it... so i juz drink half... by the time i finish the cup... eeling and yan ping has start quarreling and i have to step in to stop this 2 frens from becoming something worse... i can settle eeling without any prob... but yan ping keep on crying and things... after that... she pour all her feelings and thinkings out... and i gotta understand her more after that... i dun wanna say wat she says... but it is very very complicated... i suggest her a solution... and i think it is the onie solution...
she consider it for a moment... and accepted it... but kenny juz can't accept her decision... *i dunno about that...* and after a short while through this confrontation... yan ping fainted... i rush to her side and carry her to the taxi... man... she's heavy... lolz...

we bring her home straight... but eeling say her house is at 3rd floor... meaning that i have to carry her all the way up the 3 floors... but den... i never think so much... so with my 2 hands... i carry her up and up the stairs i go... by the time i reach 3rd floor... i am already very tired... and the stairs to her house still have quite some distance... i am dragging her to her house by the time i reach about half way from the stairs to her house...

after we get her on the floor... her mum told us she suffer from seizures since sec 3... poor girl... and we do all we could to get her seizures under control... i massaged her arms and legs while the others massage her legs and the other hand... *no dirty thoughts here...plz*

after all this we went home... i reach home about 6.30 in the morning... my work ends at 11... and i reach home at 6.30... zai... rite???

An Empty Bottle

2006-07-09T01:14:00.000+08:00

haven update for so so long... maybe because i am too sastified with my current life ba... yeah... i am... my life now though not wat i imagine when i am as a kid... but i should not ask for more...

but no life is without troubles... yeah... i juz have one... i am in danger of debarrment... well... can't say i did not expect that... but den... i realli wan to stay with them... well... i think i wan ba... and so i dun wan to be debar... well... if there is realli a debarrment meeting... i will have lots to say... in the worst situation... i may have to bring out mr lau, acc and mr yee to help me... they have watch me through my first yr... and they should noe wat i am... and how i will fare in the exam...

toking about that... it seems like i will score quite gd for this exam... er... let juz say i still have the self confidence in my studies... till now... my results have only lose to alicia, casilda and liting... so i will be come fourth in class this exam too... er... i think so ba...

actually this is a joke... i can't be fourth... with a GPA less den 3... be fourth in the class??? though our class is bad in studies... but they will fare quite well in exam...

am i contradicting myself??? lolz... i think i am... but den... i can be fourth... if i wan... i can do anything if i wan... everyone close to me told me that... juz that i dun wan... my results in exams have always remain at that line... can't pass it... can't fall through that line either... but i am sastified... i am not aiming for uni... no matter how much u do... it is juz a dipolma... that diploma will not record how well u have done... wat is the purpose of working so hard to have a dipolma... it is understandable if u r aiming for uni... so u work hard... but me??? nah... i think i pass the uni part...

stranger ask: but why did u pay so much attention in class???

yeah... i did pay 200% of my attention every time in class... to me... i feel that poly isn't sec sch anymore... nah... it isn't... sec sch teach lots of bullshit which have no actual use in my future life... but poly is different... wat they teach is wat i will use... to me... i think that the del lecturer is actually quite gd... if u listen to him closely... u will find him giving so much tips... so much... so i juz cannot bring myself to dislike him... though he is a pain in the ass... hehehe...

stranger ask: so wat happen to ur love life???

hmmm... nah... love to me isn't a reality... to me... it is more like a dream... it is sometimes ok to be in a dreamlike state... but u muz always noe how to get back to reality... i dun nid love... though i wan it... i can live without it... but i wan to live with it... but den... i found out that i am perfectly ok without love... i think in everyone's heart there is always a someone in ur heart... that someone u like... to me... i dun hav one now... yeah... i am empty.... in that sense... but den... there isn't any thing bad about this... i feel so free and relax... freedom to me is a blessing...

stranger ask: so do u hav any plans for the near future???

huh? near future??? i take it that u r asking my yrs in poly... hmm... not so much plans... but i have plans for this sem... i am gonna design a game and present to class... er... actually i dun have the ablitiy to design one... but i have the idea... and i got the programming knowledge... it is juz that my knowledge about programming and graphics isn't so gd... so i juz have to edit from other games... steal their gameplay but with my own graphics... i try my best... now... i am still quite relaxed in e-games because the others haven done anything... i doubt they r going to do it any time soon... except firdaus...
about my other modules i juz have to grit my teeth and bear through lessons... if so... i will srcape through exam... of cos... this plans onie work when i am spared from debarrment...

stranger ask: so wat have u been doing this past few weeks?

hmmm... nth much... juz pick up a new anime call fate/stay night... awesome anime... juz that it is a sad ending again... DAMN IT!!! i hate sad endings... why can't she be together with him??? haiz...
recently my god-bro wan a new com... i offer to build it for him... well... his old com is so damn old that he can run out of ram... easy to get a new com... hehehe... should be not charging him any fee... because he is my god-bro... and i doubt his mother has any thoughts of giving me money...

stranger ask: so this is the end of the conversation???

hmmm... i think so ba... not much to say anymore... juz hope everyone is still hanging there... and hope alicia will wake up from endless dreams of jerome... she seems so desperate...
cya ppl!!!

---Wearing masks is tiring... Acting is also tiring... i dun like being tired... so i wun wear mask or act... i juz morph to wat i feel is the most correct person to interact with---

hurt...

2006-06-16T04:51:00.000+08:00

it is about 4.49 in the morning... and i still haven slp... not because of the world cup... not so siao over it because i nid to do other things...

training up my body this few daes... training it to endure physical pain... also making my muscles harder... now... my muscles and body r hurting all over... expected... as i sparred with so many ppl in juz one nite... well... not complaining at all...

juz recieved a call to ask me whether will i be down for work for sat and sun... i am actually considering to skip sat because i wanna watch hong fu nui... but it is quite ke lian for my fren to be there alone... so i agreed to work on both daes... well... juz hope my muscles can recover till den so as not to interfere with my work... i have to carry up to 20 kgs of plates here and there... so muscles have to be in working condition...

not much happening today... have quite a mood swing in the nite... i feel so cramped up... hmmm... meaning i wanna have a feeling of freedom... and juz at the rite moment my frens ask me to train... so off i go to fa xie all my frustrations....

punch till my fist have blood... kick till i can barely stand... hurt myself till i have to lie down to recover... gd training i have tonite... gd job... hmmm... it is 4.55 now... and i have to go bath and den off to buy breakfast...
beehoon... here i come!!!

Tsubasa Chronicle

2006-06-14T03:54:00.000+08:00

time for an intro of my blogskin... This blog skin shows Sakura... and Syaoran... if u can see him... well... this anime is all about love... er... yeah... about it... and why would a guy like me like this anime so much???

well... i also dunno... maybe i am juz looking for animes to watch... but this anime i have been chasing throughout... so it is a long journey...

Tsubasa Chronicle is about a boy call Syaoran... and his childhood playmate Sakura... Sakura has the power to travel through other dimensions and time... yet she doesn't know this power of hers... One day... she was being harmed by bad guys... causing her to lose all her memories and the will to live... syaoran... who cares for her... was sent to a witch in another dimension to save her... In there... they meet up with their future frens... Fye... and Kurogane...

The witch told Syaoran that in order to save her... she nids to get back all of her feathers in other worlds...*note*(when she is being attacked... her powers in the form of wings... appeared... but it's feathers ave flown away...) Those feathers are all of Sakura's memories... bits and pieces of it... so she nid them back... so as to regain her memory... The witch agreed to help them to travel through worlds... but they nid to give up their most precious thing... for Syaoran... it is the relationship with Sakura...
This results a most unexpected twist of events... Even if Sakura gets back her memories... she wun remember Syaoran at all... Syaoran... noeing that... still agreed with the proposal... so no matter how hard Syaoran tried... his relationship with Sakura will never return to wat it was den...

Fye's and kurogane's are scars and his sword... this i shouldn't mention much... but they are nided by them to do something... After Sakura get back her first feather... she wakes up... juz to ask Syaoran who is he...
If u ppl can imagine... u will noe how hurtful it is to be asked a question like that by ur loved ones... nevertheless...Syaoran still protected her and is more den willing to sacifrice his life to protect her... causing the new Sakura to have a deep affection for him...

if u ppl notice... at the top of my blog there is this title...
HOW FAR WILL U GO... WAT WOULD U SACIFRICE... TO BE REMEMBERED BY THE ONE U LOVE?

so u ppl should have a idea why it is like this... well... this anime is still ongoing... and i am still chasing it... so gd luk to Syaoran and Sakura...

----

not doing much this few daes... except train more... but i have found a one new game... It is called Damn Birds... u r a statue in a park... and u have enough of birds droppings and things... so u take ur gun and shoot those damn birds... nice game... i am addicted to it...
btw.... this game is located in mofunzone... so if u wanna try it out... juz stop by that website...

current days...

2006-06-11T01:39:00.000+08:00

hmmm... wat to say about my current life??? ok ba... since i haven recieve any calls or email about my exams... i think i passed all... well... i am surprised i managed to pass my DEL... it seems so difficult and i dun have confidence at all that i can pass... well... managed to get it over with... and here is my holidae...

my frens were with me these few days... no matter if it is at work... or at home... or outside... no matter if i am doing something serious... or playing games... or studying, or fighting... they r with me... so... i feel that i am nided in this world...

well... i tell my fren that all of us is nided in this world... no matter by ur family members... ur frens... or classmates... u r nided... so u cannot absent urself from them... i told her that... but at the same time... i feel that if i juz vanish from this world... nobody will notice that i am gone...

hmm... that is the hard part... as i nid to prepare for my tests... and deal with this emotion of mine... well... managed to get it over with as i was helped so much by my frens...

thks so much... i will remember u guys... always...

have quite a number of gd news this few days... my fren is pragnent... well... though this hardly counted as a gd news... as she is juz 19 yrs old... but our estate has one more new resident... congrats...
*hope i can be the godfather of that child**hehehehe*

my arms and legs are all swollen and bruised... all because of the sparring thingy... hands and legs and arms all have blue black spots... but i managed to pick up some skills... and managed to vent some anger... so i feel it is all worthwhile...

todae... i did something which is unforgivable... but no matter wat i choose... i cannot be forgiven... well... i dunno... but i am realli realli remorseful about that... sry!!!

well... decided to get on back to get my body back in shape... all this exams... depression... love affairs... has all contributed to a weight gain... i nid to slim down... and try to seperate my balloon to a bunch of balloons...
hard... but i think i can... GANBETTE!!!

exams...chats...

2006-06-08T00:58:00.000+08:00

with the exam all behind me... i think i can realli realli say that i nid a gd rest...

this term has been a very rewarding term to me... coz i have accomplished things which has been on my heart for so long... things i wanna settle... once and for all... sayonara!!!

my relationship with alicia is saved... i think... after that email i send her... she stop doing all those things...(again those things may have been juz my imagaination) she start to distant herself from us... i think...
maybe she do it to stop anything from ever happening... whether purposely... or not... but i dun think it is fair to her... well... i dun wan this to happen... yeah... i wanna settle this thing... but i also wanna keep our relationship as frens... well... gd things can't happen all the time...

today... i start feeling that she is opening up to me... i mean as a fren... i dunno y i got that feeling... but when she held up her hand... and offered to take my book... i was so confused with things...

i mean... i dunno wat to do... coz i am actually aiming for cas to take that book... but she unexpectedly held up her hand so i GLADLY give it to her...
my hand to the book... the book to her hand... how i wan time to stop... juz at this moment... when i can savour the feeling of frenship with her once more... well... sadly... i let go after she hold my book...

the other thing i accomplished is i finally tok to adam...

at the start... my gut feeling is that the one toking to me isn't him... but den... i juz go along with it... coz i think whether if it is him or not... i can finally tok about things i wanna tok to her... or adam...

with this chat with him... i can finally put down this relationship with her... and start things again... refreshed... as her fren...

my DEL this afternoon is not gd... everytime i take an exam... i will have the confidence to pass it... but this exam i take... lets juz say that i am feeling abit risky about the chances of me passing... well... let juz hope for the best...

lazyness

2006-06-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

tues and wed i never go sch... reason being i nid to study my DEL... neglect it too much le... now have to catch up!!! but tues have maths... haiz...

studying like siao over this 2 daes... dun think i will fare well for this common test... mind on too much things le... like OOP... and maths... but den OOP have test on fri... so i also nid to study!!!

am i someone u will think of when u dunno something in studies??? i dun think so ba... i guess i am still not up to the standard... by missing so much lessons... i think i am the underdog of the class le... especially after wat rachel tell me when she said..."when i ask shihui, i will ask how many lessons have u skip... but when i ask u, i will ask how many lessons have u attended"

guess i realli skip too much lessons le... but i am still here in the class... dunno whether i am rite in skipping classes...
sometimes i can understand wat my parents feel when they see me slacking... but den... i juz cant control this habit of not going to sch... guess wat i tell my fren is rite afterall...

lazyness isn't a habit... it isn't wat u think it is... it is some sort of like a illness... some sort of a cancer... it is contagious... it strikes when u least expect it... it happens when u r about to do a thing... it reduce ur determination to nth... it humliates u... even if u noe that wat u r doing is pointless and meaningless... u will still do it... it builds up... till an extent when u can't even control ur actions...

this is wat happen to me... my lazyness has spread to all of my limbs... fortunately... it hasn't invaded my brain... so with sheer determination... i can still control my limbs...

but to my fren... lazyness has taken complete control of his body... no med can save him... i have also try my best to help... his mum too... but den... it is all too hopeless for us to be motivated...

there is still hope in me... so i wun give up.. even if there is juz one percent chance of me succeeding... i will try... plz... minna(everybody) shinjite kunasai(plz believe)

sounds

2006-05-29T20:58:00.000+08:00

nth special happen todae as well... but i can finally see jerome... i sounded like i am dying to see him... well... i am not... but jerome is someone which is quite normal to me... well... his voice is very de... wat should i say... i can't hear wat he says... and i dunno y alicia like his voice so much...

speaking about his voice... alicia is very very deeply insulted when we start to imitate his voice and wat he will sounded when he is in bed... we meaning Ben, chick, wz and me... not me much... i juz simply laugh and add nth to the collection of the sounds of jerome... but the rest of them...
lets juz say they r simply over the edge... lolz...

guess alicia is not quite happy over them... cause her nick become "fuking arses" maybe it is not about them... lolz... i dunno...

but to me... i wun say aloud wat i think of him in bed or wat... it will make me seem so desperate or wat... but den again... maybe she is treating us as frens... so she tell us all that... and maybe as a joke among frens...
but i still feel uncomfortable... guess it is gonna be hard to get over her in so short of a time...

in the middle of monday... she start changing her "idol" to jimmy again... lolz... dunno wat to say about this when she start toking about him... so i juz kept quiet and smile at wat she says of "her" jimmy...

make a huge number of mistakes todae... first of all... is i forget to bring my lab notes... resulting in me having to share with others... folo by me ordering a huge huge plate of rice and i am not able to finish it... and still many others... i dun wanna say...

i can feel my sickness crawling up to me like a spider... well... have to start drinking water and skip sch again... stupid illness...

new blog

2006-05-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

new blog... new pics... new things... all of this is all brought to u by ben... since he is the one who ask me to change my blog... well... actually i was planning to change my blog... since it has become quite irritating to me le... this new blog is quite pleasant to the eyes... though u guys may have to waste some eye power on the posts i have created... cause the font is white...

this few daes is as usual... nth out of the extraordinary... Ben seems very worried about his results... zheng gen ignored me from DEL till OOP at fri... dunno wat i have done to him... but seriously... i think i scold him too much le... ok ba... i treat him as a real fren... as a real buddy... so whenever he is slping in class... or not paying attention... i will be very very fed up with him... coz i wan him to have gd results... but he keep slping in class and things... haiz... dunno whether he can make it anot...

as for ian... he is hanging out more with us nowadaes... well... dunno wat to say about him... but i treat him as a gd fren anyways...
as for the girls... well... cant say whether they r having a gd time or not... cas is complaining about her life... alicia is totally nuts over jerome... liting is suffering from "lack of usage of tongue" illness... well... dunno wat they r doing...

wz is being the same as ever... shooting me at all possible chances... and would not fail to boast over how he win me in dota... well... nevertheless... i like his straightforwardness... cause... whatever is the problem with him... i will noe it straight away... so i can try to change myself to suit his mood... or try to repent for any mistakes which i have done to him...

Ben is suffering from "depression"... well... i think so ba... he is very very worried about his school work... so ppl out there... plz help him as much as possible... i too will try my best to help him... even if i am to do badly for my tests... if my frens all have gd results... and it is because of me... i will be very very sastified...

firdaus is as goofy as ever... he totally knocked us from concentrating at that room when we wanna prepared for maths test... well... i dunno what he thinks of me... cause he call me yaya... lolz... the meaning of yaya... i never noe... though i can guess it is someone who is very de lame... in both words and action... take mr bean as a example... he is a yaya... that is wat i think... well... but if he nids help... i will be more den pleased to help him in anyway possible...

casilda is having quite a problem with her life... i dunno wat is it... and since that last incident with alicia... i dun dare to ask her wat is it... cause i haven master the skill of asking this kind of private things without harming her... but still i have to do something... rite??? so i tell her to tok to me if life is a bitch... wonder whether it will help???

did my IN test at 6+... lucky me... i rem it at the last min... so i am able to do it...

k le... time to go to slp... tomolo's lessons is packed... and still got suyu in it... i still owe her money leh... dunno whether tomolo can return her... i am broke le leh... try my best ba... GANBETTE!!!!!

2006-05-24T20:09:00.000+08:00

damn sian... this few days has become such a stupid dae for me...

on monday... i was told that she has recieved a message from him telling her to 4get about him... well... as her*doctor* i acc her till 11... and den walk her to LRT... she is having a terrible time now... though i am glad that i can still cheer her up... but i have lots of things to do at the moment... so it always ends up not having enough time...

after consoling her... i went to my fren hse and stay there till 1.30... nid some serious de-stressing... and after that... study maths den go slp...

so tired the next dae i woke up... and as a result... my IN lab sucks... well... suan le... i also heck liao... now i juz wanna enjoy the moments i have now... who noes when i will be gone from the faces of earth... u never noe when u gonna die... rite???

after that maths test... i went home.... quite ok... but i think i have a slight mistake with intergration by parts... well... heck also... dun care much le... cause results or exams r for future things... and when i can reach that future when i can use those things... den i will think more... or else... heck with all those things...

at nite... went to destress... firdaus called me when i am half way through my arcade game... and after destressing... went to my fren hse again... nid serious destressing... folo by serious stressing.... when i nid to study for JAP...

the JAP speaking test is a tradegy... well.... i managed to pass... but juz barely... my partner failed... well... he is such a confient guy before the test as he say he noes all... think he has a mind block in the test... me too... and as a result... i pass barely... haiz...

after the test... back to my own hse... no one's at home... and i can finally relax... listening to music... and lie there on my bed... lolz...now i can finally realise wat someone meant when he say enjoyment is never enough... finally off to slp... slpt for 5 hrs... and den do my usual things... have a real boring life now... but trying to enjoy it as much as i can...

2006-05-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

todae is sundae... meaning sch tomolo... bored... but den again... sch is looking so much better to me nowadaes... so i muz ganbette...

doing nth toade... watching TV... slping... playing with com... nth else... boring dae...
tonite's dinner is about the same as usual... 2 plates r my favorite food... but realli realli strange... i dun feel the smallest bit of eating... my mouth seem to reject food... and my mind too... so i delayed eating till now... which is 9.30... er.... not eating yet... but eating soon... as soon as i get my mouth's appetite back...

decided to start benkioing... er... meaning study... in jap... realli hard to get my results gd... well... muz try... or else i will have regrets... anyway... told someone i am realli disappointed in my results at last sem... and she is most displeased when she find me slacking... so... i have to benkio!!!! have to!!!

now... i think i should study maths... as i have the most feeling with maths... the tutor is nice... realli like my sec sch maths teacher... and that sec sch teacher is responsible for pulling me up and help me get my gd grades at sec 1 and 2... so i have to ganbette... for that teacher's sake...

if i still have time... maybe i move on to DEL... cause i miss it most... though i understand wat the lesson is about.. but i still have to study...

no nid think of next... cause it will be late le... and i nid to slp...

----status of my subjects-----
IN3-----70% knowledge of the current topics taught
OOP2--- 90% knowledge of the current topics taught
DEL--- 30% knowledge of the current topics taught
CSF --- 60% knowledge of the current topics taught
JAP--- 90% to 120% knowledge of the current topics taught( i noe extra things in jap)
EM2--- 75% knowledge of the current topics taught

from all this... i have a rough idea wat my results will be... haiz... maths i have to study now... since test coming... jap i will be studying on tues... cause it is the final exam... DEL i will study as fast as possible... foloing by csf... IN3 and oop i dun think nid... i study when i am at the final exam period...

watever the subject is... hope to get at least 80% for all subject when i am in common test period... and 90% when i am in final exam period... hard... but i should be able to do it... well... i am the one who pon half a year in sec 4... and still get 19... wat else i can't achieve if my heart is set!!!

2006-05-21T01:19:00.000+08:00

daily entry again...

wake up... 9.30... back to slp... 11,30... come out watch tv... go back room play com...

lolz... juz watch kindaichi 2005 in youtube... nice... but i think it has fallen short of kindaichi's usual standards... the mystery is easily solved... and not much ppl die... onie 2... but the show is overallly gd... so no more complaints...

after that... into my sis room again... ALONE... haha... finally get to watch utawarerumono le... not bad... finally they got a country of their own... the anime is more or less like romance of the three kingdoms... but there r big changes here and there...

after that... realli nth to do le...watch back usual episodes of school rumble... damn funny... dunno watch how many times le still will laugh...

after that... go slp le... at nite do nth... juz watch wisely and den back to com... finally until now...

stupid dae... dun u guys agree???

2006-05-20T01:08:00.000+08:00

blog for fri!!!

wat should i say... i am sick... due to extreme boredom!!! that is wat my mum say to me... u should go and play more with frens... i will give u some pills to relax... but wat is important is u have to go and relax with ur frens... the doc onie say me has fever and flu... with sore throat...

haha... think my mum is rite... cause this few daes... thinking up of ideas for the new shop... struggling through sch life... accompanying her through her troubles... busy like siao...

miss alot of lesson liao!!! DEL i think me critical liao... attendance low like shyt... how i catch up!!! common test coming le leh!!! wa lao!!! stress ah!!!

stress ah!!! dunno when i cannot tahan den explode!!! still got jap major speaking test!!! and den maths still have to revise... del muz revise like siao... csf is alien to me!!! muz revise like siao also... wa... die liao!!! how i survive!!!

waiting for utawarerumono to be uploaded at youtube... me already download le at my sis com... now they all slping... cannot watch... faster upload!!!

2006-05-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

blogging again... realli becoming a dairiy le... lolz... wrong spelling... dun care la... haha...

todae is wed... meaning??? JAP lesson!!!! damn my marks... onie get 27/40.... and i am the worst of the three... haiz... *depressed* dun tok to me now...*repenting*

okok... enough with the bad things... next week is speaking test... hurray!!! nice!!! i sure can get gd marks... wait... wait... my class mates dunno anything bout jap except those taught in the textbook!!! WAT THE DIAOZ!!!!!!

haiz... why can't i be with sensei and test with her... if so... i can tok watever i wan!!! haiz... daijobu..daijobu... shinpai suluna!!!---->([formal] dun worry) nvm... juz memorise my vocab... and down with those ppl who dunno them... jap is easy... except for the reading part...

nth to do after that... and anxious to go home... yeah... reach home about 11+... with instant noodles... i eat lunch... not bad!!!
the god bros come in again... and as usual i sneak them into my sis room... hehehe... now she's not here to slap me... DOWN WITH STUPID SISTERS!!! haha... jk la...

after that.. get dragged to greenridge shopping centre... they wanna buy new things and cards... so i have to folo them... met a irritating guy there... but nth happen... after that.... get dragged again to fajar shopping centre... there they do nth... juz go for shuang... -_-... *legs r tired* but we did have a fun time there... cause i keep tooting and keep censoring them... like for instance... they say... lets go and buy comics... i change it to... lets go and buy tooooooooT... LOL... sounded like they wanna buy TOOOOOT stuff!!!

hehe... have a fun time there... and back to home after that... duels again... but after that... straight to bed... i am so tired!!!

kana wake up by them and off to duels again... eat dinner outside and den back to computer...

PPL: bet u haven do ur IN test???

WRONG!!! i have done it!!! 100 marks... hehehe... remind Ian to do too... scared he 4get again... the others... hmmm... alicia confirm will do de... shannon also confirm will do... rachel may do... ben slping... shihui is if rachel got do she will do... and the rest la... blablabla....

toking to her again... she heart pain again... haiz... sian diao... still have to console her... and den write this... busy sia... haiz...

----NITE----

a time of the dae i will start strolling if i have the mood... once i stroll all my way to chua chu kang... lolz... late hrs of night is quiet... though lonely... but i have its beautys... all so quiet... u will think more thoroughly and things will get straightened out more... most of my business ideas start from night strolls... juz keep strolling and strolling... listening to music... and the breeze which pass u... shiok!!!! though i prefer being at the rooftop of my hse... there... is so windy... so romantic... and so.... dunno how to say...

if u go up to someplace like that... meaning u r at 27 storeys or more... u feel like u r king of the world... every thing else is at ur feet... u can see orchard from there... u can see the sunrise and set... damn shiok... haiz... too bad kana locked up liao... this june hoildae... gonna buy the metal clips and break the lock le... hehe... illegal though... but we juz wanna go up... hehe...

---end---

2006-05-16T23:09:00.000+08:00

well... todae's entries doesn't seem to fit my usual reasons for blogging... cause i dun seem to be either sad or distress... er... lets juz say i realli is starting to treat this thing as my diary le...

tues todae... went to lab todae and fully prepared to do wat... u ppl guess??? wrong... i am not prepared to do test... but LAB... damn it... i totally forgotten that todae we r having a lab test... damn it... well... i am not prepared... but that does not means i did not noe any of the stuff... though so... i am realli shaky with ans and have quite low confidence on all of my ans... well... after comparing ans with chick... confidence seem to increase abit... but after wat i heard from my classmates... like some of them blank-out... some of them r confused... some of them r stunned... i feel i have little chance to pass this test too...

after that depressing test... the chick fly away as expected and i have to run to catch up to him... we watch BEAN-the movie-... it is damn lame but heartwarming as well... that place is rapidly becoming of our hangout... after that we start the book-hunt and after 30 mins... the chick finally found it... and without me... he will be searching till now... he is blind... in that sense...

straight to maths after that... totally lose confidence when i dun even noe wat to do... finally we decided to give up and chick happily start reading his "mysteries book" whereas me start finding the library for any martial arts book...

currently i wanna learn ba ji quan, ba gua zhang and xingyi quan... this 3 sets of wushu specialises in different aspects... like ba ji quan is fast and powerful...and is offensive... ba gua zhang focus on "drawing circles" and rounding to the back of ur oppenent... it is defensive and counter-useable...
whereas xing yi quan is more like taiji quan... though not as slow... but it train ur mind and relax ur body... though it dun have any medical components in it...
complete... isn't it???

sidetracking a little... now back on to topic... after finally giving up on my hunt for books... we head for class... the teacher has a new hairstyle... it reminds me of the main char in lion king... though not as messy...slp throughout the lecture and put in my all in the tutorial...

i found out that in my house... i will not be able to learn anything new at maths... onie when the tutor is there... and i ask her... den i can learn... dunno y... becoming dependent on her le... this is bad... i should not depend on ppl much... though i depend on my parents for lots of things...

school things over... now to my social life...

she fell sick todae... she has headache, slight fever, flu and gastric pain... seems like alot of things to happen to one single person... but she make it to the clinic fine and though she wait for an hour... she finally can see the doctor and get some attention about her sicknesses...

went to slp straight back home... well... i think so... best for her... nid to rest more ma...

not much about others... chick is being "pathetic" as usual... Ian gone home after dotaing... Ben went home after a total diasater at IN lab... maybe he dota abit... i dunno... and the rest juz go about their usual businesses...

at home...

went back to home and finally my sis room is vacant... gdgd... that means i can use her com again!!!
began to download my usual anime and stuff and after that shut down... folo by a trip downstairs to buy some ice cream... it is hot... and my sore throat isn't any bit better... so i choose ice cream...
accompany by my god-bro... well... he is cute in ways... but den... irrating at other time... finally went back and go on with our usual stuff... duels... reorganising... and den back to duels... well still not a match to me yet... hahaha...
my parents went to sheng siong to buy things... so i snatch this chance to sneak my frens into my sis room... bad choice... as my sis come back about 15 min later... get a slap in the face and hrs of nagging... now... can u juz shut up??? hahaha... okok... i shouldn't be rude to her... SHUT UP!!! hehehe... psps... jking la...

planning to destress again at the arcade... but maybe not todae... i dun wanna risk it... hehe... and i nid to save money... though every trip there cost me onie fifty cents... one game = 2 hrs... for me...

business...

going on slowly... and i think it has stop le... cause no more customers have called in... and my usual customers r having no probs with their new coms... haiz... can they juz mess the com up and tell me come fix for them???

my sisters r trying to start a business... the idea i will not share... but my 2nd sis seem to have the whole idea rdy in her mind and she is not willing to change any bit of it... she play too much SIMS... i think... cause in her mind... that virtual shop is fixed... now she juz nid to make it real... and from my experenice in the business world... she will fail... CONFIRM!!! she study business... but she set too far goals for her business... and she claim that i am too short-sighted... well... thats her story...

---end---

another long entry again... hehehe... cannot blame me ba... about my whole dae...

2006-05-16T16:29:00.000+08:00

i did wat i could to maintain watever frenship that remains... so... hmm... i juz have to keep my fingers crossed for a happy ending...

2006-05-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

lolz... 2 entries in a dae... dun normally do that unless there is a reason behind this... still remember the time when i wrote more then 5 entries a dae... those were the daes...
now same reasons apply when i wrote each entry...

---waiting for you----
i guess that is my decision... i choose to wait... cause of our promise... and the love i see back den... i guess that is a bad decision... but that doesn't mean not to wait will be a gd one either... neither choice i choose will be gd... i understand now... NEITHER... cause each will have its problems at the end... i guess no matter wat i said... u will be saying much more then me... juz let me say this... when u r waiting for a person... it is very very difficult... and when that person u r waiting for keep on spiteing u with other things... well... let's juz say that even the smallest things will spark off a quarrel... and worsen the relationship... i overlook the things and...do the wrong things at the wrong time... now both of us r at fault...

---fault---
i realli dunno who should i blame... should i be the one at wrong or is it u??? i think it is the both of us... maybe i have misunderstand u... and i realli hope it wun happen... now... it is like my angel is actually a devil in disguise... so i think i have done it... i have unreveal a devil from her...
and tok about blaming... i try putting myself in her shoes... and wat will i do if I blame i for all that... at den... i guess i will hide all my real intentions deep...deep into my heart... and never let this person poke into them... i tried saying i am at fault... i noe i am at fault... but everytime she tell me about someother guy... i will flare up and ignore all other damn things... EVERYTIME..OUR CONVERSATION WILL LEAD TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS... and she noe damn well i will feel jealous... and so... her intentions r easily decpihered...
---misunderstandings---
yeah... thats the word... we have so much misunderstandings that we dun even noe how to settle them... everytime i tried to settle one... she will juz say... suan le... nvm... i am used to it... and make it sounded like i am the bad guy here... so when will we settle our misunderstandings???
we did settle some of them... though none of them end in happiness... it will end in quarrels and quarrels... followed by more misunderstandings... oh god... when will we settle them??? er... i dun think we nid to... at the rate things r going...
---hurting you---
yeah... i said tons of times... i dun wanna hurt u... BUT!!! and that is a big BUT... can u stop hurting me too??? haiz... guess u will never understand... cause u r hurting me daily... maybe that isn't intentional... but i will never do the same to u... u said when ppl hurt u... u hurt them back... now let me tell u... i never hurt the ppl who hurt me... NEVER!!! I WILL STILL TREAT THEM WITH KINDNESS... THATS ME... AND THATS WILL ALWAYS BE ME... WHATEVER THAT I DO WHICH HURTS U I DUN MEAN IT... I NEVER MEANT ANY OF THE HARM... wat will u think if u have hurt the one u love deeply when u did not intentionally do it??? self hatred... remorse... disappointment... anger... helplessness... DID U EVER FEEL ALL THAT??? I FEEL THAT EVERYDAE!!!
---END---
i guess i did not ever get over her... lolz... EVER... i am now trying hard... and is best that way... seeing how things r going... juz hope she stop all those things she r doing... that will be bliss for me... realli... i will enjoy sch life much better... EVEN WITHOUT FRENS... i will enjoy them... cause frens which will stay by my side... i have already find them!!!

2006-05-15T20:33:00.000+08:00

so here i am...blogging again... becoming some sort like a dairy already... though i have no use of this till i am realli sad of distressed... so here i am again... meaning i am feeling one of the 2...okok... this sentence is from one of my frens... *i wun pretend to be the main character of a tragedy and start crying* yeah... i realli shouldn't feel sad... well... can't help it... the music is making me sad... but it is nice... er... ok la...

having a lot of conversations with someone right now... yeah... we r helping each other with our wound of the heart,,, well... both of us have a deep wound... so it is gonna take some time to heal...

wo ai ni... this 3 words... it is such a powerful sentence to tell ppl u love... but now... wat i have heard is insults... jokes and lies coming from this 3 words... yeah... ppl r using this words like a joke... telling others wo ai ni... i dunno wat they r thinking... except they r trying to insult themselves again and again...

did not go to sch todae... and i wake up at 7... i have 2 hrs to prepare myself for sch... yet... i did not went for it... why??? i try asking myself... i think one of the reasons is i dun wanna get hurt more den i wan... i still loved her... no matter how i try to avoid... no matter how i try to think otherwise... the fact lay there... unmoving...unchanged... i still love her... lolz... it is such a joke... i tell myself...

i juz advise my cousin not to put all ur heart into someone which u love at first... until u r sure it is stable... i suffer from this before... i noe... he is the same age as me... and going to army pretty soon... will the relationship with her be serious??? i dunno about that...

there r times which i think she will understand the situation i am in... things i never share with her i wanna let her understand... yet however hard i tried... one sided love is never gonna to work... one sided effort will accomplish nth... now... i condemn her... i did not... at that time... cause watever small hope i still have den did not disappear... but now...

there r lots of things i never come close to tell her... like my relationship with my parents... like wat did i do at home... like wat happen if ur best fren backstabbed u... i never share those things with her... maybe i never had the chance... maybe i am too eager to noe more about her... i dunno... but right now... i feel like i am one loser in love...

i lose to ppl who never come inside of our love... i lose to ppl which have already stabbed her right in the heart... no matter how i try... looks do matter... no matter how gd ur heart is... wat matter the most is ur looks...

i nid no frens at sch... as to me... there r no real frens with me in the sch... maybe not zheng gen... but the rest of them... i feel helpless... no matter how hard i tried to get into their conversations... i am always left out... i hope it will change... when i started poly... but... from wat things r looking... i dun think i have much hope...

real frens i define it to be caring to u... realli backs u up when u r in threat... i dunno about these... but to me... i dun have such frens... in sch... yeah... none... nvm... suan le... cause i have pass 7 yrs like that... my secondary sch life is wat ppl will call a nightmare... i fight my way through them... i use my fist to make myself a name... frens to me den is so fake... cause no matter how many times i let my guard down on them... they will plunge a knife deep into my back... and den kick me right out of their heart... and den laugh like hell... this is how i pass 4 yrs... trust again... and kana backstabbed again...trust once more... and same results appear...
yet till now... i never let down any of them... i did wat i think is most befitting of a fren and juz go on with life...but i have let down 2 ppl which i swear i shouldn't let down...

she help me with my work... she encouraged me... she did wat she can to make me stand up on my feet... though she never remove the knifes on my back... she is my support... and i thank her greatly for that... yet... i did not wait for her... when she left for japan... she wanna show me she did not mind at all... yet i can tell that she is realli realli sad deep in her heart... i struggled with myself... but she said do not mind her... and i follow wat she tell me to do... wat i have done i can never forgive myself...

we makes fun of each other... her always smiling face always never fail to brighten my dae... in her darkest moments i tried my best to help her... and in return she set targets for me to achieve... in so trying to improve my results... she share with me her life... her everydae stuff... but wat did i do... i disappointed her every time... i fail the targets she set for me... i never stand up to her and said "enough...i am jealous" when she tell me about her being back with her ex... i never stop her from doing things with other guys... and instead...i ignore the daggers in my heart and continue to tok to her... i have let her down greatly...

now those have pass... the pain and disappointment in my heart did not subside...i guess it never will... and it will follow me whereever i go... this will be the punishment for wat i have done... a lifetime punishment...

the main reason i dun wanna go sch todae because i wanna run away from those hidden knifes and stuff... i noe it is the fact... and dun tell me i am too sensitive... once can be a conciendence... twice can be too... thrice can be also too... but when more and more times occur... i cannot deny the fact... yet i dun ever wanna harm her... cause too me... she is important...still!!! i wanna erase away this importance by everydae stuff... but... i failed miserably... i trying hard...nevertheless... but i think i will succeed onie when i did not see her...

sure is a long entry... haha... going to sch as usual tomolo... trying to finish my maths... and boost up my performace in IN... ganbette...

2006-05-03T20:06:00.000+08:00

watching lots of anime at the moment...

school rumble nigikki(2nd term)
utrawaremono
KIBA
Tsubasa Chronicle
Bleach
Witchblade

wow.... realli lots of anime!!! so i think i am found guilty of the term anime freak...

things haven been going so well for me and my fren... well... i have passed the stage of extreme sadness...but she haven... so i am doing all my best to console her... guess it have to go on 2 more months...

for me... well... i dun wanna say much about it.... but it is not as if i never notice it all along... i juz sort of go along with it...

understanding each other is a very important thing in love... meaning 1-sided trust and understanding dun works... well... i noticed it at the beginning... but it is not until now that i learn the lesson...

can i say that i am a sort of extinct species??? i dunno whether i am quilfied... but i am doing wat ppl would never do...and saying things that i would never say... so i guess even if i am not an extinct species... i am a sort of like preserved species...
lock me in a zoo....ppl...

the term starts... and it is already the 2nd week of the new sem... things still happen... arrows r still shot... and i am always the target...

maybe i am the yaya of the class ba... anyway i am used to those arrows.. so
nvm...

but all the arrows dun hurt as much as arrows shot by one single person...
haiz... well... now that things r like this... i doubt those arrows will hurt much... it will onie deepen my understanding of her peronality...since my heart is already dead due to the numerous arrows and swords stabbed in it...

guess thats wat they call by love... when u have to hurt that guy or gal to gain his attention and make urself confortable... but that is something i would never do to the one i love...no... to even frens which i treasure... cause it will onie cause meaningless issues and quarrels...

so that means that i never loved that person be4... cause i did not do all that... lolz... ironic shyt... and there is me who wait like siao over such a person...

now that i have found back myself... i dun think i nid others... cause the me i am searching for is one without love... yeah... without having to hurt the ppl which u like...or for that person's case u hate...

well... after saying all this... it means that now i will strike back at full force... well... i dun think i will hurt her much... cause i am not meant to hurt ppl... but i will try my best... GANBETTE!!!

2006-04-28T19:37:00.000+08:00

当你发现你已经不见了，你还是一样的吗？？？

不见了。。。

消失了。。。

2006-04-27T12:37:00.000+08:00

Out of my many dreams, if only one were to come true

i wouldn't wan to give it away to anyone else

i wan to make my dream come true

childhood dreams are things that will never go away

if they can continue to be taken

they will lead to a future i wish for...

-from utawarerumono opening song musouka-

2006-04-20T19:57:00.000+08:00

UPDATED... though this is juz random spam....

When Hope is being Destroyed again and again... When Despair and Misery sets in, who can u trust??? and Who can u Love???

Hope is diminishing inside me... Hard as I Try to Grasp it in My hands... it Flows away from Me... H.O.P.E can i realli See the Next sunrise??? or will I slp FOREVER... in the DEEPEST of my DREAMS...

Our destiny Crossed... Fates entwinged... ....................Gone.......................

my Heart is disappearing.. my Brain is failing... I stop running... And look UP... did I see something???

imagination has taken me far beyond Horizons... I have Escaped deep into the illusionary World... yet... I saw myself Looking at me through The mirrors of my Heart...

Looking forward... Touching the dragon Inside Me... i Step out... and START running... Will I stop???

Hope Flared in me again... For how long???? God knows!!!

Hurting myself again and again... DID i see blood???

Shaking my Fears away like Ants... I start Running... Tears blazing in the eyes... i stop at the place of beginnings...

Look around for the slightest cracks... I wonder....???

Wake up... Wake up... i wake up with a yawn and it's dawn... i'm still alive...

Grasping every single thing i can reach... A NEW DAY...

end of random spam...

sch reopening soon... AH... i haven do my installation yet... this is the worst... i should do it tomolo... *i hope*

2006-03-28T02:09:00.000+08:00

haiz... nth to do this few daes... juz rewatch those animes i have in my com and those i bought... so sianz... well... there r still things i should do... juz that i too lazy do le... lolz...

cleaning up my room is the first thing i nid to do... yet... i dun feel like doing it... gundams unfixed... table in a mess... comics thrown anyway... blanket not folded... posters unchanged... haiz... alot of thing la...

the internet came... so did a mountain of problems... first... i have to protect my wireless from being use by others... but... i can't set a password... cause i can't go in with it on... den i think i juz dun broadcast the ssid... hope it works...

doing exercises everydae... hoping to slim down... i weight over 80 kg le... muz slim down le... get rdy for NS le...

coughing a whole damn lot.... haiz... well at the moment... but... not sure about the foloing daes...

MY RESULTS SUXS BIG TIME... again... i think its my own fault... u reap wat u sow... so.... this is my results... haiz....
(to someone) i am so sry to have distract u from studying... i dunno wat makes me do it... maybe because i am too fed up with studying then... but i realli realli sry for wat i have done...sry!!!

haiz.... playing lancraft again... for 2 times i think i seen firdaus and his fren... one call himnself player and the other call himself cookiemonster... i am not sure whether it is them... but... well... it is a concidence...

2006-03-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

hmmm... lots of things happen durring this few daes... first... i fix up a com for my sis... she desperately nid one...so i thought i can use my knowledge of coms to help her.... total cost up to about 1200... and with internet 1400... quite ex... cause with the internet... but juz the com onie... i think is quite cheap already... her com i use the latest computer parts to fix up... so... some parts can be quite ex...

second i fall sick.... wat should i say being sick... er... realli sick loh... cause i have to force myself to slp... which i DREAD doing it... den my dream r all stupid and dun make sense at all... den i was shivering without my blanket on... and was shaking with heat with it on... stupid... well... hahaha... manage to pass the few daes i am sick quite safely... well... i am still feeling quite feverish... but... i think is much better le....

finish watching shao lian zhang san feng... the ending suxs... haiz... i think the show has 2 major points which is completely wasted... first... yu-er died because of husband... when her husband dun wan her to die... second sirong go become a nun... haiz... she said she is full of sins and not worthy of zhang san feng... when he dun mind it at all...
sometimes i realli feel strange... the guy dun mind it le... y muz the girl keep thinking about it???
haha... anyway... i completely sux at relationships... so maybe this is a very simple question which i dunno...
but the show teach me a realli gd lesson... as long as the girl or guy u love live on happily... there is nothing for u to feel sad about...

internet coming in 2 more daes.... very anxious... cause i wanna try out something acc taught me... haha... anyway... i am in second year le... how time flies... its's been a year when she left... and....

haiz.... okok.... now's not de time to feel sad... i should continue with my plan... to conquer the business empire...

2006-03-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

haiz... realli very sianz leh... wat is the maximum of sian??? i think is depression... now i very depress le... very depressed... dunno wat to do... everydae slp... wanna escape from reality... so juz keep slping... if not every dae go plaza play the same game... who i am already pro... if not... go home play warcraft... haha... onie 3 things i do every dae... so sianz hor... haiz... wanna work... but den again... dun feel like working again... wanna rest... but dun wanna rest again... aiya... in two minds....

anyway... can ppl who read my blog tag??? i am getting a feeling no ppl read my blog le... hehehe...

2006-03-01T00:40:00.000+08:00

SIANZ AH.... dunno wat to do... fuk sia... y life so boring??? haiz...

well... thats life... life wun be any better if u didn't try to make it better urself... so here i am... with my stomach so hungry... sitting here... typing this thing... haiz...*shake head*

realli luv the new anime i juz found out... it's call shakugan no shana... the main female char is so cute... haiz... guess that is the difference between the real world and the anime world...

rotting at home... doing nth except play the same stupid game again and again... fan ah... sian shi le...

AH.... i noe le... i am gonna make a third attempt in busneiss... failed 2 times... gonna go for a third time... guess it will fail again... but i will gain experience... cause i will be future entrpeuner... hehe... so sit and wait there... u will see me in the news next time... hehe... youngest talent... hehehe..

but i seem to lack the strength to do it...dunno wat to do... haiz... guess it is the after-effect of studying too much... strange... i was hoping for the dae so i can rest... yet... now i wan to do something and make myself busy!!!

maybe thats life... when u can never get the thing u truely wan... or u dun even noe wat u truely wan... so... thats is y life is so interesting...

realli thks alot for helping me recover from my wounds... muz be expensive calling long distance calls... haiz... realli dun regret having such a fren... er... when u coming back??? can call me??? lolz... aiya juz make sure u r safe and happy can le...

saw the stars that dae... will be staying for longer if not for zheng gen calling me and make me all anxious about maths... haha... but it realli clear me up... and it seems like my heart is freed from something... maybe because i am not attached anymore... or maybe i can finally rest and get ready for another attempt in romance... haha...

----u r here... i am there..----
----i walk here...u went there---
----never meeting up...----
----we tok...laughed...den say gdbye---
----we cry...we quarrel... den say sry---
----i am angry...u r sad... den we say thks---
----for?---
----waking each other up---
----gone were the daes for accic---
----as the daes for facb...and cwc comes----
----two seperated entitys----
----once together----
----now seperated---
----having new ppl in it---
----should i be happy??---
----or juz plain dunno dun care attitude???---

2006-02-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

things have realli come to an end... i can understand y i am such a failure... how words and actions can so affect a person... i have hurt someone... someone... who is also close to me... i realli am sry bout this... HONTO SUNIMASEH...(TRUELY SRY)...

guess i wun be studying later... since i hav such an impact... have to go and watch the stars again... to calm myself... and to pray for someone forgivness...

truely... i dunno i am hurting her... i thought she would not be affected by all those cheeks... wrong move... maybe i have always treat her as a guy... *smile* remembering the days where i thought u have went into the wrong toilet... anyway... i realli shouldn't go into a relationship... my eight characters r destinied to hurt others... haiz... my frens are leaving me one by one... gd for them... i shouldn't hurt them anymore...haiz...

guess i am back to the old me again... realli hope she will come back from japan... and cheer me up... NONONO... i shouldn't hurt her too... haiz... so lonely...

----casilda... i am realli deeply sry for all those times i hurt u... sunimaseh... i shouldn't have say all those things... srysrysry...-----

2006-02-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

lol... such violent REACTIONS i get for that post... *shake head* wat can i do to make u understand???

U DO ALL THOSE FUKING THINGS OUT THERE AND TELL ME EACH OF THEM IN DETAIL U EXPECT ME NOT TO GET ANGRY??? OR EVEN ANNOYED??? WHO DO U THINK I AM?? SUPER NICE GUY...

MAYBE U REALLI THINK I DUN GIV A DAMN... AND I TELL U.... I GIVE ALL THOSE THINGS SUCH A BIG DAMN... EVERY TIME I PAST A TEMPLE OR WAT... I WOULD ALWAYS PRAY FOR U... EVEN IN THE NEW YEAR... I PRAY NTH TO MYSELF... AND PRAY THAT U WILL BE HAPPY AND AS BUBBLY AS EVER... WAT DO I GET... MORE DETAILS OF FUKING THINGS U DO OUT THERE.....

I BLAME U OF COS... WHO WUN... U GO THINK BOUT THAT URSELF... PUT URSELF IN MY SHOES... WAT WILL U HAVE DONE... HUH??? I BLAME U JUZ FOR THIS WHILE... AND I NEVER DID IT ANYMORE.. CAN??? IT'S THE EXAM... CAN I JUZ RELAZ... NO I CAN'T...

DID U EVER PUT URSELF IN MY SHOES... SAYING I HAVE CHANGE... SAYING U HAVE PATCH WITH ADAM... SAYING LOTS OF THINGS WHICH U OWNSELF SHOULDN'T EVER SAY... AND I 4GIV ALL OF THEM...

FUKING BITCHES... TO HELL WITH ALL OF U... U REALLI THINK I ENJOY BLAMING U???

I NOE I AM AT FAULT TOO... BUT CAN'T U TELL ME IN THE FACE WAT I HAVE DONE WRONG??? OR AM I THE SORT THAT I DUN ACCEPT FAILURES???? I AM A VICTIM... AND SO R U... AND THERE U R... TRYING TO RUN AWAY AND NOT SOLVE THIS BLOODY MESS U CREATE... TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE CHANGED THINGS...

AND DUN U GO AND SAY... K LA K LA... ALL BLAME ME... I AM AT FAULT... I AM AT FAULT...
AND AFTER THAT... GO AND COMPLAIN A LOT DAMN THINGS TO UR FRENS.... SINCE U SAY U R AT FAULT SO BE IT... AND TOK NO MORE...

------------------------------------------------

ok... end of frustration period... gotta study le... juz come back from arcade... see the nid to post this... hehehehe... kz... cya ppl...

P>S> maybe i am such a fool to fall in love with u... but i gladly do so no matter how many times i am given the chance to change my decision...

2006-02-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

been slping lately... dun wan to wake up...

every minute in my *wake up* state is torture to me... i dun wan to wake up... yet... do i have a choice...

----the onie one who can give me so much agony is u----

maybe ppl change... they change and say they never change... some say they have change when their heart denys the change... some realli said that they have change and they admit to it... heart and all...

did i change??? erm... that would be something i dunno...my temper...unchanged...
how i deal with ppl...unchanged...
the u inside my heart...unchanged and would never change...
the u in front of my eyes... changing...

maybe i realli change... maybe i haven change... dunno...dun care!!!
haha... ur favourite sentence...
----do u ever noe that every action of u affects me???----
yeah... we can't be together anymore...haiz... no matter how many times i think of u in a dae... no matter how many times that i think back to the daes we R together...
sometimes... i realli think of u in a bad way... like...

maybe u r together with me because u wan to be loved... wan to feel that u r loved... den after i have outlive my usefulness... u juz leave me...

maybe... u treat me as a fool... maybe u think that i am someone which u can fool about with...

maybe...lots of things...

BUT NO MATTER WAT I THINK... THE ANSWERS AT THE BACK WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME....

SO WAT??? LET HER FOOL ME... LET HER USE ME... I DUN CARE... AS LONG AS I LOVE HER... I DUN CARE ANYTHING ELSE...

fool... maybe love does make u stupid... yeah... i am now so foolish...
to wait for a woman not worthly of me waiting...
to love a woman not worthly of me loving her... even to a point that i can do anything for her...

so ppl blame u for all this... those who noe... u can say u dun care... but i am sure u care... u care so much... u should ask urself y u r getting all this...
haiz... no point anyway... since ppl do realli blame u....and since u feign ignorance... and try to live with it... there u are... escaping from all this again...
nvm... i will bear all that comes out of it... but can i???

-------------------------------------------------------

exams le... my maths haven study... been studying AEL... haiz... as i have said... dun expect me get A... wun happen one... i think i most get B... aiya... i also dun mind... me getting B... gd luk to anyone who having exams...er... i think i should say this to myself... LOLSZ

life emoticon

2006-02-09T22:44:00.000+08:00

life emotion can be lot of things... for me it is full of sadness...

nevertheless i will always try to find happiness in the small amt of life i hav... no matter if it is sad or wat... but if u r crying or so sad... being able to smle take a great amt of courage... and after smiling... try laughing... after it... look at afar... lots of things can be 4gotten and ppl can be 4 given...

i always feel a person has 2 sides... one being very gd... the other being very bad... or should i say... if u r having a very gd character at the beginning... because of some impact or wat... u will become very bad... as bad as u r gd...
so if u r in a the middle... den no matter how u change... u wun become the villian of the year...

well... i dunno bout me... 4giving me for praising myself... i think i have a gd personality now... and i trying my utmost to not become as bad as i am gd...
for alot of things... this theory can be used... i dun wanna say too much....

after sch todae... it was like raing like hell... and i have to make my way to plaza be4 i can go home... wa... so hungry... and so cold... luckily met my fren on the way to plaza... and he has an umbella... he and his fren sharing... so i cannot join them... so when going home... i tell them to hold my bag and i take off my slippers... and juz run like hell all the way back home... muz be a nice sight... hehehe...

dun go and blame others... if u realli wanna blame some1... blame me...

-_-

2006-02-08T23:15:00.000+08:00

tsubasaed chris...

meaning... i who have been "winged"...

winged??? meaning...???

i dun even wanna noe... i feel like i have been torned up to bits and pieces...
y??? i dun even noe...

haha...i realli wan to juz skip out of this... it realli hurts a lot... hurts till when u wanna cry... u will start laughiing...

strange...

my wings have cause u to be so warm... soso warm... to the extent of hot... i noe this will happen... but...

u speak to me todae... i was like... on cloud nine... i dunno y i feel like that... i was too stunned to ans proberly... i dunno... den i feel like the pain in my heart is temporialy gone...

such impact... i dunno... the memory pieces of u that is left in my heart... i keep it close... so close... i wanna lock it up and 4ever seal it... i dun wan it to be destroyed... i dun wan... everydae... i can juz look at those pieces of memory... den i will say... lets wait for another dae... on and on... telling myself over and over... i dun feel tired... as long as it is remain in my heart... never tired...

k le... stop thinking... i dun wanna put it into my brain and spoil my test tomolo...

signed~off~~~

tsubasachris~~

relax....

2006-02-04T00:48:00.000+08:00

there r times when i may juz went bonkers... the last few daes are the best examples... i dun even noe wat i was thinking about... -__-'''

been doing some serious thinking over the hrs in the afternoon... i wasn't wrong when i say i wanna give up... cause i realli nid a rest... but after wat that have happen... i feel even more strongly that i should wait and juz see wat will happen...

---tests all over the sky----> making me wanna punch them out of my face---
---troubles all over the place--- making me wanna juz jump into the sea---

if u r reading this... i wan u to stop neglecting me... i hate ppl who juz ignore my existance... insult me in my face... or else... dun even let me hear it... i not objecting to insults... but i dun wanna hear it from someone which i put all my heart and soul into... it makes me so helpless...

after the conversation with my frens... i noe wat mistakes i have make in the past... and wat i should do to avoid making them again...

maybe things are not wat it seem... maybe all is nth but a big misunderstanding... but i wan u to make it clear to me...

so i am still here waiting.... waiting for one of the 2 answers...

1.(be together again...)
2.(stop waiting...)

there can be many other more ans.... the decision maker is u... and u always...

haiz...

2006-02-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

till todae... den i realised how easily sastified i can be... if i can be with the one i love... and i can talk happily with her... no matter if they are making fun of me... i feel that the dae isn't so bad at all...

i had enough of the negliance... i wan stop... i realise i have been shouting at the rooftop more often... losing my temper more easily over something stupid... worrying like siao when i heard she may be sad or wat....

all this over a girl??? i dun believe i will sank so low into this relationship...
i dun even wan to think bout her...

i feel like i am a girl... juz silently waiting... not doing anything... try to tell some of my frens bout this... ignoring the insults i may get... more concern on how i am going to emerge from this mess without having to hurt her... but den suddenly i feel... wat if i abandon her and juz go... i will be letting her down... i dun wan to do that...

i am desperatly struggling... struggling for breath... i am tired... so emotionally tired that i can't even summon any energy to juz try and think more about it...

my fren and me tok bout her... i was in 2 minds... one part is furiously agreeing on wat he said... the other... silently denying the facts...
i have enough of her... dun even wanna be near her when i can help it... i nid a rest... i deserved it...

our group is seperating... going our seperate ways... because of we 2... i am so afraid of this happening... i have been warned this may happen... but...

last time... i still make weak movements to resist to the seperation... but... now... i juz feel... let it be ba... since i am the onie one who cares... and she is running away further from me...

i remember writing in this very blog that i have been in a race... trying to follow u and run to u... yet... no matter how i try... i find that i can onie juz grap air... i can't even touch u... i run faster... u speed up... i slowed down... u too slowed down... it is as if u are taunting me... and i feel that i am such a fool... i am tired... realli tired... though i am walking now... i dunno when i will stop and juz let u go...

struggling for a decision... i dun even noe wat to do... one part says... juz leave her alone... the other part... continue running... u will reach her...

but will i??? preservance will not get u anywhere...
when there is a will...there will be a way... this dun suit me too...

i still believe u can call out my name...

in ur dearest memories... do u remember loving me???
no... i should ask... do u even remember me???

tired.... miserable.... weeks upon weeks of mounting disappointment...

guess... i will have to let u go... i have no choice... NO CHOICE AT ALL... nth i do seems to move u... and i dun seem to have any more energy to do anything anymore... i am so tired.... tired...
tired...tired...tired...tir..................................

haiz

2006-02-02T02:20:00.000+08:00

daes passed.... am i still waiting???
seconds passed...am i being a fool???

it is one thing to be disappointed...
another thing to be uncertain...
an another thing to be foolish...

yet when all this things come into me and form as one... i feel infintely helpless and down.... am i being a fool???

uncertainity washed over me everytime i try to think of her... i dun even noe wat to do... except to sliently wait... silently praying for her safety...silently wishing for her happiness...

but can't i do something more??? i doubt i can... every time i try to do something... her actions will discourage me...
----is our love onie over the internet???-----
cold actions...
conscutive negliance
insults...

do i deserve that???
maybe i realli deserve it...

-----daes passed... tears on the face drys....-----
-----seconds passed...scars of the heart appears...-----

maybe she is realli gone... gone where??? i dunno...
the change in her pains me... yet... i can't seem to do anything... WHY???
am i as useless as i thought i was???
or am i simply....juz foolish????
things may have happen... incidents may have passed...
yet i will never forget the dae when u can still laugh with me...

C.N.Y

2006-01-30T20:50:00.000+08:00

name: happy chris =)
sex: MALE
char of the dae: quite cheerful...

comments:

hmm... as u have notice... i have change how my blog looks like... well... i have use the same blog skin... yet i change lots of things... so... giv me comments on how it look and give me more advice on making it look better....

hmm.... C.N.Y not a bad year.... though the horoscope and the zodiac says that my year in the dog is bad... haiz... well... i often sort of believe in this sort of things....
but... not a bad cny after all... won bout 500+ from my frens... and 12 from my relatives... hehehe... i am a rich guy!!!

lol... NO LA... i owe them bout 600+ from the previous year... so... it is sort of paying them back... in case u all are wondering y i am able to owe them for years... hehehe... actually hor... we pay every 5 years... like... at 2000 i pay them bout 50+... den at 2005... i pay them bout 100+... haiz... well...we r playing pretty big... from 1 dollar for every bet in blackjack... we can advance to as high as 300 dollars... or in big 2... we can play 10 for every card...

so... my debts for this year is hmm.... bout 200+... still got lots to pay... nvm... next year will be better... hehehehe... i hope...*wink*

we eat yu shen for the first time this year... at my grandma hse... hehehe... i dun wanna eat... i juz keep taking photos... if i am free... i will put them in my blog... hehehe... haiz... my cousin win bout 200+ in that table... i juz wn bout 12... *shake head.....
my mum pull me away... said that she wanna go home le... haiz... k la... go home loh... since we decided to go to my another relative hse to continue gambling... BUT... we decided on the way that we should go to his hse first be4 resting at home... HAIZ... nvm la... compare to the others who cannot celebrate cny.. i should be happy le... well... in his hse... drank bout 3 bottles of heniken...(hehe..dunno how to spell)... and i slp my way through the afternoon next once i reach home...

dunno y i drank so much... everytime i drank is because i am realli sad... maybe i am sad at that time... to have drank 3 bottles... i muz be miserable... anyway... dun quite rem wat happen that dae... juz vaguely rem i force the rabbit to walk with 2 legs...hehehe... sry... wasn't in my right state of mind.... but that rabbit is cute... hehehe...

not doing much todae... in the morning i went to arcade as promise... complete the game for dunno how many times le... spent bout 8 credits... 4 dollars gone... went and eat long john slivers... 5 dollars gone... haiz... muz realli restrain how i spent my money... spent the afternoon making this blog a damn sight nicer... hehe... and in the night... sitting here and writing this.... not a gd dae after all.... nvm... watching zhang san feng later.... haiz... ming dao hong died later... sad...

P.S valentine's dae coming... dunno wat to do... dunno should act anot... dunno lots of things..

----it is the uncertainty in us which makes us weaker every passing dae---

孤独不苦

2006-01-28T12:09:00.000+08:00

name:t>I>R>E>D chrismk
sex:elam
char of the dae: unlazy

comments:

stayed up to 5 something to try and fix the lightnings for my ying lui.... damn the LEDs... the lightning consist of 2 wires... each having 70 LEDs...

but one of the wire cannot work.... so we have to figure out which DAMNED LED did the gd work...
on and on we try and fix... using soldering irons and aluminium foil... trying to fix the lightning... we did not make any real progress until we pull down the lightning and place it along a line... den we check for individual *health*
all is ok... ??? strange... we are thinking that since the LEDs is in series circuit... if one of the LED is spolit... den the rest wun be working... hmm... we r on our wits end... so i try using my multimeter and test for any open circuit... beep...beep... ~~~~.... beep.... hmmm.... one of the hole used to contain the LED does not respond... so i ahve to do the *operation*.
meaning--- cut away the hole and the wire and join them together.... hmm...
we found out that 2 more has the same prob...(f*** the guy who sell this...have this been QC???)
QC=quality control
so i do the *operation* twice more... and with shaking hands... we test....

and....

it did not work.... (********%%$##@&^%^$$@)

now i will have to try something else... alot of the LEDs is spoilt by now and we are using aluminium foil to replace... well.... voltage still goes through the aluminium foil... so once i touch the damn thing...
ooo.... my heart hurts...
and i accidently touch the damn thing bout 10 to 20 times... imagine being shocked 10 to 20 times... haiz... i feel like having running a mile... and my heart hurts like hell...*shake head....

finally my sis gave up.. and went to bed...
i was left alone to deal with the cursed thing... i have also run out of patience with that and me alone i put back the lightning onto the ying lui...
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/tarmade/Picture2.jpg
the image shows my two sis and my dad... my big sis(standing) did not bother bout this... haiz... so me and my sec sis have to do it with my dad... well... he too slp at bout 12... so me and my sis work from 11 to 5... haiz...*shake head...

updated

2006-01-21T01:29:00.000+08:00

not updating is always me... haven been updating le... busy hacking and trying to pull more ppl into hacks... LOL...

hacking next target: sch's firewall

well... ask acc whether can this be possible.... his reply is as gd as wat we throw into the bins... hehehe... no offense...

study acls... access lists... HMMM>.. dun realli understand it... but also... seems to understand it alot... *er.....**blurred**

rite now... trying to be myself and onie myself... feel tired to juz wear a mask and walk around... well... someone tell me...
if u dun wear a mask out in the current soicety... u wun survive...
there r hypocirsty everywhere...

make sense... but a song from GREAT.TEACHER.ONIZUKA come back to me...

one sentence goes like this...
In this kind of world where you can't say what you want,
Poison
I'll go on with my life, still being true to myself.

conclusion: remaining true to urself... no matter how many times u r backstabbed... no matter how many times u have failed as a human... stay who u are... stay wat u are... cause no matter how u think u r improving, u r juz degrading even faster...

so... i stay cool from insults... use words i haven use for a long time... do things which i have been hiding from ppl...
sometimes... even telling someone a heartfelt thing is difficult...
been through it...understood it...
being sad all of a sudden... maybe because i suddenly recall how i have lived past this few daes... how all who i trusts and love hurt me and backstabed me...
well... u can't scold them... cause they r ur dearest frens...
u can't forgive them... cause they R ur dearest frens...
so??? juz bear all of it and hope it will be over soon...
but will it be???

beared it for 6 years... backstabed tons of times... being abandon tons of times... still i founda nid to trust... a nid to love... because if u lose both of that... ur 100 years in earth r gonna wasted...

well... this brings me to another memory...
some1 tell me well... hope i juz died... my next life will be better... even if its not... my next life will be better...

Y CAN'T U PLACE UR TRUST IN UR NEXT LIFE TOWARDS MAKING NEW FRENS???
my next fren will be better...
if he or she's not,
my next fren will be better...
this is a whole lot nicer den juz....

haiz... wat done cannot be undone... wat said cannot be taken back...

---if u find reality too cruel for ur liking----
---y not escape into a world where everything is wat u plan or like??---

failed...

2006-01-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

name:wang mk
------------------
haiz...haiz....
------------------

comments:

never slp yesterday... juz can't slp at nite... so i pull myself up and try to keep myself awake... till 7.30... as i went for sch...

when i come back... nobody is at home... and as i am SOSOSOSO tired... i go straight to bed ......................................................................................................
........(bong)
i was forced awake by a sudden kick at my bed... damn it... i was so blur that time and what my father ask me i dun even noe wat the hell is he toking about... finally... when i understand wat he is toking about... i was and still is furious as they have did it again...

i have gone to sch todae...ok??? damn them for not trusting me again... i hated it when they do that... from small... i hate being accused... I HATED IT.... and they r my parents... they should trust me... and my father says...
who is the one giving u money... so u dun use this tone on me...

kzkz... since u said that... u r my boss now... not my father... i will onie do wat i did to my bosses... and never to my father... since he ask for it... so be it... i will address him as boss now...
and i will make sure... i will take my daily *salary*... from him...
damn it....

P.S. i still luv my dad...

soccer

2006-01-02T23:03:00.000+08:00

name: zhengzong
y this name: because of the skills i use

comments:

LOL.... todae i try to relax le... playing soccer with the rest.... as always.... i use the most stunts of the game....the malays come down after an hour and we play together... 5 on 5.... nice number... and i almost fall asleep trying to be keeper.... LOL....

score: 4 to egg

haiz... totally nth to do for the whole game.... haiz... the most suai thing is...

mata come... and we run like siao... LOL... some ppl even left their slippers there... LOL... nth to do anyway....but the malays never run though... dunno wat happen to them...

studying now... dun feel like playing maple... still cannot make the cheat work... haiz...

over and out....

working hard@@@

2006-01-01T05:39:00.000+08:00

name:tirrrreeeeddd ooollliiivvveerrr

commennts::

if i say i had work hard 100%.... it is all a lie.... i been playing 45% of the time.... dun blame me.... i feel insulted when i see ppl not studying and me studying alone... ---> one reason... the other is... i nid maple to keep me awake... i realli can't stand to slp this passing nites... i have the same nightmare again and again... DAMN.... i thinking of resting few days... but... haiz....

OVER AND OUT.....

P.S. WISHING U A VERY LATE MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR@@@!!!@@!@!@!@!@$#$@!#@!!!

you are my love

2005-12-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

well... thats the title of that song... i almost cried juz watching this part at tsubasa chronicle...
A pity sakura cannot remenber anything... haiz...

name: s.h.i.f.u
sex:elam
interests: wakaranai(dunno)... really...
char of the dae: ultra sleepy

so now... on to the post

haven have much to tok about.... miss todae's lesson... damn it... i walk also can slp ah... this morning... didn't slp for 2 daes isn't a small matter le... day have to handle the kids... nite have to study... no time slp.... now i also feel like slping ah... damn it...

ytd's nite is a nightmare... nth is going in... NTH.... realli dunno wat to do le... i dun think i can face u all if i lose to u all... haiz...

anyway... i realli came to understanding wat is love... er.... yeah...

love is something which cannot be explained...
it will make someone do wat he or she wun normally do...
excess of it will cause distraction and disturbance to the other party
losing it will make u feel empty all of a sudden
love is about possession but it also can not be....(depends on u)

well... this is very brief... er... ya...

---- losing love, i can onie be stronger to get it back------
---- getting it back, i will onie be weaker-----

er... wat am i saying??? well... i also dun quite noe...

p.s-- it realli helps to have those toks once in a while... makes me understand wat the hell i am doing for this pass few months...

xin fu... or not???

2005-12-18T01:01:00.000+08:00

name: WMK/oliver kang(dun like this name)
Specialty of this guy: like to daydream alot
causes for this thing: like to escape from realtiy
reasons: read on!!!
char of the day: lazy yet alert...

comments:

damn it... DAMN IT... y are all the ppl around me toking bout sex... I HATE THEM FOR IT... THEM... **** off for it... i dun like u... GO AWAY...

Y.... haiz... guess i juz have to go home after every day and stop these stupid toks affect me... fuk...

luckily... ppl r there when i nid them... and there r still there for me when i dun nid them....
realli boring... as if i dunno much about sex anyway... fuk it... y destroy urself... fuk it... K...K... dun care u... hate u for it... FUK off...

FAVOURITE SONGS:

secret world(from tactics)
emotion(gundam seed destiny)
life(bleach)
chance(bleach extra songs)

on to the proper post.... haven updated for a month le... things happen... dun nid to update u ppl about wat happen.... except for a dearie someone... who is currently overseas...(wish u well for watever u do....)

now... trying my best to study for OOP... ( meaning object-orient programming)
i failed... have to take my second retest of the year... stupid paper... luk doesn't come my way...(hey... i am blaming luk...*shake head*)
i guess i am realli cracking up... well... i am best at daydream... so i think of a way to put my dreams into reality... found a way....

NOW... I AM creating a opening video for bleach... (this anime i like alot... i think u may have heard of it when u r in japan....)
realli difficult... i am not sure wat to do... any suggestions from u ppl??? hmmm... hey u studying art right??? help me with it... cant'cha???

dunno much bout OOP... well... dunno about things... have to study....

//***********
// oop.java
//***********

public class OOP.java
{
public static void main(String args[])
{
System.out.println("I HATE OOP!!!");
}
}

LOL>>>>>...... i am creating a JAVA on the net.... LOL... hey... reply me as soon as u see this... missing u for ages le... lots to tell u...

PS. for those who have seen my nick in MSN... think y is it like that....

*smile and wave goodbye...

so lei ja sayonara...

LIFE'S EMOTION

2005-11-11T00:13:00.001+08:00

name: wang mingkang
sex:male unless otherwise defined
mood of the dae: depressed/back to normal now
char of the dae:lame/lamer/lamest

comments:

life's emotion.... combining the songs of gundam seed destiny and bleach... LIFE... and... EMOTION...y do i say that... well... dunno... juz feel that all life have emotions... be it sadness... anger...or hatred...

----->life<------

figured out every thing tonite... things have to go on... life have to go on... it is not always sunny out there... we will spend lots of time in the dark... thats y we have to count on our blessing... hopes....determination...

well... takes quite a long time figuring that out... anyway... i'm not counting on her looking at this rite now... juz go on... live my life....live ur life...

guess my hard work all gone down to drain... no regrets wat so ever... trying my best to not be awdward in front of her.... trying hard to maintain that small frenship we have there... guess... i think i have to admit... once relationship breaks...frenship follows... well... thats my onie regret... cause u will be such a gd fren to have around...

-----> emotion <-------

i think i failed my promise... i think i realli am... i rem telling u i wun skip sch... and now... sitting here... thinking back bout the daes... we have... i have... and u... remembering the dae... which u took my phone... rem the daes when A.C.C.I.C is form...guess we have breaked up... u girls and we guys... lOL.... well... thats were the daes.... life goes on...

now... i make a promise... not to anyone... but to myself... to my soul...

i promise...from now on... unless needed... i muz defeat my laziness... not letting it triumph over my mind... not wanting to let down any more ppl...(i have let down too many)...i muz hold on to the little i have... my dad and mum's hopes r on me... her hopes r on me...
minna(everybody in jap).......... ganbette....

----------------->life's emotion<-------------------

daes gone wun be back.... hrs spent r spent..... well... hope things r gonna be all rite out there...

to frens around me....------>thks for accompaning me everydae...
to chen...------>quit skipping sch... i still nid u in my company...(always treasuring the daes i have with u...)
to casilda-----> u r a great fren... muz be hard on u for the past few months... daijobu... it's over...
to alicia-----> if u still bother to come to this blog... den... i think i have to tell u... that is me...
LOVE = care and concern + A TRUE HEART
take care of ur body... and ur mind... be happy always...
to zicheng-----> u r a great bro through and through... though i noe i may be overboard sometimes... u tolerated me... honto arigatou...
to yongming-----> another great bro of mine... honto arigatou...
to chang yue----> u seems different from my first impression of u... but nevertheless... a great fren though....
---------------------------------------------------------

lyrics:

<----------LIFE...(full)-------->

Doro darake yo najime nai tokai de
Onaji you ni warae nai utsumuite aruita no
Isogi ashi de surechigau hito-tachi
“Yume wa kanai mashita ka?”
ATASHI mada MOGAite iru
Kodomo no goro ni modoru yori mo
Ima wo umaku ikite mitai yo
Kowagari wa umare tsuki
Hi no atari basho ni dete
Ryoute wo hirogete mita nara
Ano sora koete yukeru ka na?
Nante omottanda
Tobitatsu tame no tsubasa
Sore wa mada mie nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara ikite yukeru
Nureta koinu hiroi ageta dakede
Chotto warae chau hodo
Namida ga koborete kita
Aisaretai aisaretai bakari
ATASHI itte ita yo ne
Motomeru dake ja dame ne
Kodomo no goro wa MAMA no koto
Hidoku kizutsuketa Hi mo atta yo ne kawari tai
Ima zenbu
Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Kono te wo tsuyoku nigitte mitai
Ano basho ano toki wo kowashite
I can change my life
Demo kokoro no naka subete wo
Totemo tsutae kire nai
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru
Hi no ataru basho ni dete
Chizu wo hirogete miru kedo
I know... You know...Mayoi michi mo shikata nai
I can change my life
Sugite kita hibi zenbu de
Ima no atashi nanda yo
KANTAN ni ika nai kara
Ikite yukeru

eng translation:(tv size)

i've been the same old me
for all these years now
so i ask myself,y can't i go living an easier life

everyone moving so fast on the street
and yet here i am content
even though i dunno y i am struggling so much

so instead of wanting to go back to a child
i'd rather try to embrace todae and live for the future
juz accepting my fears

i wan to go to a sunny place
and live on, stronger den ever
i'll overcome those places and times in my mind
i can change my life
i'll never run out of things in my heart
and life to share with the world
so i ask myself
y can't i go on living an easier life?

<------EMOTION----->

anata no kage wa hohoemi utsushite
namida no shizuku sono mama kakushiteru
daishi no kibou minamo no atashi no
ienai koto no kodokusa shitteru
hashiri dashita nara mirai wa sou kotae akeru tobira

EMOTION kitto kono sora wa yume no katachi
tokimeku kono kodou hibiiteru
EMOTION sotto kasanetai anata no yume
shizuka ni ne wa tojite dakishimeru

chiisana kizu rizumu ni tokashite
anata ni akuru honto no MELODY wo
shizukana yoru ni kagami de utsuseba
kanashii kurai watashi wa anata
furikaere nakute kinou tada hitori yureru omoi

EMOTION kitto mamoru kara ima wo kakete
hikari to kage dakara dekiru koto

RELATION motto tsutaetai kano kimochi wo
sunao ni unare kuru kotoba dake
RELATION soko ni arowareta shinjitsu dake
kawarazu kagayaite ite hoshii

EMOTION kitto kono sora wa yume no katachi
tokimeku kono kodou hibiiteru
EMOTION sotto kasanetai anata no yume
shizuka ni ne wa tojite dakishimeru

eng translation

In your shadow is something I can make out to be your smile
My tear drops remain hidden as they are
In the place of hope I compose the surface
I don't really understand the concept of being alone
Open the door to the future - it's starting to run

Emotion! The sky reflects a model of my dream, surely
Letting this resonating impulse fly away
Emotion! Gently, I count the dreams I've had of you
Quietly shut your eyes and then hold me

The small wounds of mine go along with the rhythm
And to you I give the Melody of Truth
In this quiet night, I outline the looking glass
To you, I am your darkened sadness
I can't turn back the days though my thoughts sway to one person

Emotion! Surely, I will the guardian of the fledglings now
I can do it in light and dark

Relation! I want to purge my emotions more
The only thing that will come are the shy words
Relation! only the unwavering truth
should show up and shine

Emotion! The sky reflects a model of my dream, surely
Letting this resonating impulse fly away
Emotion! Gently, I count the dreams I've had of you
Quietly shut your eyes and then hold me

things that go wrong will be still wrong...

2005-11-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

name:chris the sorrowful
sex:boring male
char:boring... uncertain...confusing
song of the dae:hop step jump

comments:

well... sch start le... kept to my promise and return the things as soon as i seen her...realli funny on wed... me and chick laugh like siao at that lecture hall...strange how we can laugh at something totally unlaughable...

totally lost on wat to do... my life... my job... my business... long time never think always cause me to lose myself.... so now... i muz set a target for meself...dunno...things juz seem blurry and out of control after that dae in the airport... maybe after she left my life... things juz fall out of place... thats y i say i nid her by my side...
anyway... she is a thing of a past... though i still think of her...sometimes... but ... i wish i haven do wat i have done... as i have said... things that go wrong will be still wrong... no matter how much u dun wanna look at it... no matter how much u seem to overlook it...no matter wat my mind tell my heart wat should and shouldn't do... no matter how things have gone... things that r wrong will be still wrong...

i thought that i am repairing myself... walking down the road at 3a.m in the morning... listening to songs who bring nth back but memories... telling myself...4get her...over...cut... nth else... no strings attached...anymore...
lOl...bluffing myself have always not work...
---->how humans defer from animals<---
<---they noe how to bluff others and themseleves--->

funny...anyway... life still have to go on... nice dae...
dunno whether i should continue with the mask i am wearing...
hates to put on masks... my true self is always shadowed and spilted after my one source of support and confort have gone... nevertheless... i wan to tell her that i would never 4get wat she say... wat she have told me... nth can break u down except urself... if thats the case... abandon urself and start on a new self again...
<---- there is no future following me... arts to u always seem like a joke--->
<----我不要--->
<----用你的全部心去爱其他人。。。我们没future...--->

lOL... 4get it... it has been a long time le...dunno la...
anyway... sayonara...

updated.......

2005-10-25T13:26:00.000+08:00

name:chris
sex:male
mood:down...
char of the day:dun wanna giv up

comments:

have been thinking alot for this past few days... thinking bout my past and the now i am in... and also bout my future... well... i dunno... guess i am low in confidence... realli low... have suffered a huge number of shocks during this holidays... without my frens... i think i may not be able to pull through...

imagine wat u want is also wat u dun want... confusing??? yeah... this is exactly wat i am going through rite now... watever things i wanna do or wish for....turns up me refusing to do it... i am realli afraid of the future... i hate to be uncertain bout things... but...on most cases...i am uncertain...

---i realli dun wan things to end up this way----

i am totally confused rite now... i hate myself for wat i am... but i will continue with this and tried to make the best out of it...

----can i rewind time???----

well... guess i can't... so i will have to continue with the now i am in... but i am still standing firm to my promise... to do the things i promised to do...

---i will be here... if u nid me...---

-------------------

2005-10-01T03:45:00.000+08:00

name:-------------
sex:---------
mood:-s-i-a-n-z-
char:______<---- fill in urself
song of the day: emotion!!! loved it!!!

comments:

another few days pass by in a flash... and there goes my training for a week...

have been watching lots of diff anime this few days... nice... all of them... burst angel and chrno crusade... funny... hahaha...
well... results coming... wish u all gd luk... me 2... i am realli gonna nid it... haiz... well... i dunno...

hey... BBQ coming... sry guys... can't go... cause... eh... er....(mind thinking of some excuse)........................................................................................................ i have to keep my toilet door closed... hahaha...

remember???

no la... juz feel that u all will have more fun without me... haha... maybe???
well... dunno la... u all happy can le...
juz feel that i have lots to do at the moment... so... too busy... but rem to tell me wat happen there... my soul will be there... haha...

haven been online for ages... so... well... juz wanna keep track on things happening...
things realli seem to happen... huh??

well....yokata... october come le... by the way... yokata means good or nice in jap... birthday coming soon... but leh... have to buy something for TSP... eh.. u give me some clues leh??? i dunno wat to buy...(actually is no money buy)hehehehe.... well... i dunno...

sayonara den... till next time....

(mental note)--------> return alicia's stuff when i meet her at sch....

updated again

2005-09-27T14:07:00.000+08:00

---to be able to smile when u wan to----
---to be able to laugh when u wan to----
---to be able to be angry when u wan to----
---to be able to cry when u wan to----
---to be able to say out when u wan to----
---to be able to noe that keeping things to urself is te most hurtful to urself and others----

isn't all this the common knowledge we noe when we r kids???

working out...

2005-09-20T02:26:00.000+08:00

name:tired chris
sex:have to go NS
mood:no mood la...so tired
char of the day:no char to tok about... all day working out...
weight:78kg

comments:

pain like siao... my arms and legs... have to start to work off my 80kg load le... realli tiring leh.... realli wan to buy slimming pills... LOL... no money... hahahaha... haiz... so now leh... every day do all that will die one ah...

plan...

400 sit ups
300 push ups
20 mins of air chair
5 laps around bukit panjang
1 hr of weight lifting
20 pull ups

now concentrating on losing my tummy and pumping up my arms muscles... leg and the rest will come next vacation... very hard... but have to try...

will die hor... but leh.. have to do all this... vacation 6 weeks left... if keep doing this for that 6 weeks... sure will lose bout 5kg... ganbette... akiramenai...

hope i wun give up... i muzn't...

------(hope that u can do it) is for the weak----

---(confident that u can do it) is for the strong---

updated....

2005-09-15T23:43:00.000+08:00

name:same
sex:male
mood:lame...now very scared
char of the day:scared... very scared...

comments:

i noe i create this post ytd... so i put in contents now...
time:02.03a.m
day:sat...18 sep 2005

juz finish watching the korean ghost show... alot of feelings after watching it...
now raining... somemore got thunder...
in the show... it is always raining... when the ghost kills... so leh... this heightened my fears now...
from small... i can see ghosts alittle... juz alittle... it is like i see them in the corner of my eye...when i realli wan to see them... they disappear... i am like si guan now... but leh... i still cannot stand it... when i finish watching a ghost show... den i see them... i would like freak out...
rain always accompany wind... with wind... my hse doors will like bang...
juz now... my door juz went bang... with my fear... u can imagine wat i did... i jump like hell... about a full 10cm in height... i am so freaked out by that show... now... a sudden bang... haiz...
as i was writing this... i see ghosts again... this time a frightening white colour...

to block the wind... i close my kitchen door... that door is translucent...so u can at least see the shape and colour... normally...it is black...(at this time cause now is nite) but suddenly... white juz come out in one of the corners... i turn my head but it juz disappeared... freaking me out le... now... i still see that white beside me... appearing...and disappearing again... i was like dun wan care le... my mood sort of like calm down le... so... i am able to (?)withhold(?) my composure...

i dun wanna deny the fact that i can see ghosts... it is a ability...and i dun deny my abilities... though i am not proud of it... i will still say when someone ask me...

death??? or iszzit???

2005-09-13T13:23:00.000+08:00

name:mk
sex:not female
mood:B.O.R.E.D
char of the day: L.A.M.E
song of the day:poison

comments:

back to wat we are toking be4... is there realli life after death??? i noe i said there is absolute hell or heaven... but a taoist will refuse wat i have said...

taoists believe that there cannot be complete gd or bad... in some sense... i believed wat they said...
without gd...can u ascertain wat is bad???
without bad...can u confirm something is gd???
u nid something to compare with... to compare between gd or bad... heaven or hell... den... i wonder back to myself... maybe that is rite...

anyway...it is not in my power to try to change something even if i noe wat is it about...so...i wun discuss it any further... cause i wanna keep this post short... so... on to the lyrics of POISON ---- (GTO)

poison

kanji

itsu made mo shinjite-itai
saigo made omoi-tsudzuketai
jibun wa ikiru imi ga aru hazu to

sameta me de waraikakete'ru
tamashii wo okasareta yatsu
namida wo nagasu itami wa aru no kai?

iitai koto mo ienai konna yo no naka ja
Poison
ore wa ore wo damasu koto naku ikite-yuku
Oh Oh

massugu mukiau ima ni
hokori wo motsu tame ni
tatakau koto mo hitsuyou na no sa

kaidan ni suwarikonde
owaranai yume no hanashi wo
yo ga akeru made katari-tsudzuketa

sarigenaku kisetsu wa kawari
muishiki ni shisen wo otoshi
nagasareru koto ni narete-yuku no ka

chiisa na yume mo mirenai konna yo no naka ja
Poison
jibun rashisa zutto itsudemo suki de itai
Oh Oh

jiyuu ni ikite'ku hibi wo
taisetsu ni shitai kara
ikitai michi wo ima arukidasu

kitanai uso ya kotoba de ayatsuraretakunai
Poison
sunao na kimochi kara me wo sorashitakunai

iitai koto mo ienai konna yo no naka ja
Poison
ore wa ore wo damasu koto naku ikite-yuku
Oh Oh

massugu mukiau ima ni

hokori wo motsu tame ni

tatakau koto mo hitsuyou na no sa

english

Always, I want to keep believing...
Until the very end, I want to keep thinking...
that there has to be some meaning to my life.

Smiling with a cold glare
Do guys who have had their very soul violated
really feel the pain of shedding tears?

In this kind of world where you can't say what you want,
Poison
I'll go on with my life, still being true to myself.
Oh Oh

In this moment we face it head-on,
we have to fight
in order to keep our pride.

Sitting on the stairs,
we went on talking of unending dreams
until the break of dawn.

The seasons change casually
I unconsciously drop my eyes
Am I really getting used to being swept along?

In this kind of world where you can't have even small dreams,
Poison
I want to always, always be able to like being who I am.
Oh Oh

I want to cherish
each day I can live freely, so
I'll walk whatever path I want.

I don't want to be manipulated by filthy lies and words.
Poison
I don't want to turn away from my true feelings.

In this kind of world where you can't say what you want,
Poison
I'll go on with my life, being true to myself.
Oh Oh

In this moment we face it head-on,
we have to fight
in order to keep our pride.

fate...or isszit???

2005-09-12T01:16:00.000+08:00

name:chris aka mk
sex:male
mood:bored/tired/fufilling
char:lame
song of the day:poison(from GTO...great teacher onizuka...not the anime...the drama shown on TV by takashi sorimachi)

comments:

though i say i dun wanna post any more comments... but i juz have to write it down... i dun think there is a song to say wat i am thinking...

FATE...
is it a result of our choices???
or is it wat we will do...and giving us an illusion of choice...

i keep thinking of this question since last year... i can't shake it off... cause deep in my heart... i feel that all is predestined... because.....

i seldom dream... and when i dream... it is more on wat who and how i am thinking in the day... but in my dreams... i dream bout the future... not clear... and not significant... i dream bout things like the feeling i have when i am sitting down and watching TV... it is juz so nostagic... i dream about that exact feeling a few months back... really...

one more vision i have is when i first come in ngee ann... when i come for the matriculation... i dream bout the exact convention centre... the exact place where i am sitting... the exact ppl walking past me... and this all i dream bout a year back... is it destiny that i should come in to this sch??

really... all this disturbs me alot... and let me feel so helpless against fate...
when i ask ppl bout this... they say... fate or destiny can be change...

den i question myself... when u dunno ur own future...ur own fate... how can u change it???
i mean... when u choose between coke or 7up... u tell urself...i wan to change fate... so u choose coke...giving up ur fav 7up... but...wat if...wat if... fate says that u are fated to choose that coke... cause that is ur fate...and u r onie thinking that u r changing fate...without noeing that u r actually controlled by it... so... how can i fight against that fate???

fate is a mysterious thing... it bring happiness...and it also bring doom... and in some sense... it is supposed to be like that... cause wat we do in the future is our fate for now... so... we choose to bring sadness in the future... and so... ur fate will be sad... so... to me... wat u do now... will not juz affect ppl around u... ppl in the future... and also... ppl in the past... though they are unknownly affected...

very difficult to understand... rite??? haha... well... i think like this sometimes... think more... and u can develop more...

den after all this i will ask myself... wat if fate is there... and u r controlled by it...

if fate is there...

wat the use of pursuing ur dreams...
that can be answered easily... to find out whether or not u will succeed... whether or not u will attain wat u r dreaming off... but if that so... the ans... is it really worth pursuing???

wat the use of living...when the purpose of all life is death???
that... i think alot... but den... i still find meaningfull...
though i am a taoist... i think like a freethinker...(maybe)
i feel that wat u see... wat u do... will let u achieve experience.... with this experience... u will be better prepared for ur next life... when i say next life... i dun really mean recarnication... i mean after death... i mean the life after death...i always believe in life after death... not juz recarnication...

in that world... things may be very different... maybe it is like hell... maybe it is like heaven... but i firmly dun believe in both heaven and hell...
the gd will go to heaven... the bad will perish in hell... this is wat humans.. to creat a sense of fairness is trying to create... a illusion... something which is not true...

LOL... i am sidetracking le... well... this i think i will discuss later... in my next post... i think...

P.S--- i will be posting the poison lyrics on the next post... cause this post is simply too long...
---so sayonara... ---

---life after death...death after life... everlasting life...everlasting death...can it really be attained???---

exam finish le...

2005-09-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

name: same
sex:same
mood:nervous...fuking tired
char of the day: normal...dun have the strength to be lame
song of the day:last impression(gundam wing endless waltez)

comments:

i was thinking of not posting any comments le... cause i wanna say out wat i wan to say in song lyrics... more meaning ma... anyway... i think i will be... so i will be searching for songs to describe that days' comments... and post it up as song of the day... so on to todae's lyrics...

LAST IMPRESSION

kanji...

kotoba yori wakariaeru
manazashi ga soko ni areba
hito wa minna ikite-yukeru...
mayowazu ni jiyuu ni

ayamachi wo koete
kidzuku hontou no yasashisa
anata to mitsuketa kara
ai to yoberu tsuyosa wo...!!

I believe your love
furue nagara
kuchidzuke ni kasaneta negai
("anata" ga ite... "watashi" ga iru...)
wasurenaide itsumo...

I believe your dream
tsunoru omoi...
itoshisa wo inori ni kaete
kono kodou wo tsutaetai yo
atsuku hageshiku...
so far away

arasoiau dake ja
erarenai dare mo... nani mo
osanai te ni sashinobetai...
kegare no nai tokimeki wo

odayaka ni toki wo
kizamu komorebi no nukumori...
daremo ga idakaretai
zutto kitto eien ni...!!

I believe your love
akiramenai...kizutsuita tsubasa hirogete
habataku sora kagiri no nai
yume wo egaku haruka...

I believe your dream
egao misete...
setsunasa ga afuredashite mo
kakegaenai ima wo itsuka
hokoritai kara...
So far away

ayamachi wo koete
kidzuku hontou no yasashisa
anata to mitsuketa kara
ai to yoberu tsuyosa wo...!!

I believe your love
furue nagara
kuchidzuke ni kasaneta negai
("anata" ga ite... "watashi" ga iru...)
wasurenaide itsumo...

I believe your dream
tsunoru omoi...
itoshisa wo inori ni kaete
kono kodou wo tsutaetai yo
atsuku hageshiku...
so far away

daiji na hito no tame ni
nagasu namida... itami ga...
sekai wo tsuranuki daichi wo nurasu...
kono kanashimi wo tometai!!

I believe your love
akiramenai...
kizutsuita tsubasa hirogete
habataku sora kagiri no nai
yume wo egaku haruka...

I believe your dream
egao misete...
setsunasa ga afuredashite mo
kakegaenai ima wo itsuka
hokoritai kara...

I believe your love
furue nagara
kuchidzuke ni kasaneta negai
("anata" ga ite... "watashi" ga iru...)
wasurenaide itsumo...

I believe your dream
tsunoru omoi...
itoshisa wo inori ni kaete
kono kodou wo tsutaetai yo
atsuku hageshiku...
so far away

eng translation

If there are looks that communicate
better than words,
people can all live on
freely, not losing their way.

Overcoming our faults,
we realise what true kindness is,
because you and I found
a strength called love...!!

I believe your love
As we trembled,
we repeated our wish in a kiss
(You are here... and so am I...)
Please don't ever forget...

I believe your dream.
Feelings that intensify...
Turning affection into a prayer
I want to show you my heart's pounding
So hot, so fierce...
So far away

Strife alone
can never achieve, for anyone or anything,
this pure excitement I want to give
to young hands.

The warmth of the sun shining through the leaves
calmly marks the passage of time...
This is surely what everyone wants to hold on to
forever and ever...!!

I believe your love
Never give up...
Spread open your wounded wings.
Flying up to the sky, you sketch
a boundless dream, so far away...

I believe your dream
Show me a smile,
even though you're overflowing with sorrow,
since someday you want to be proud of
this irreplaceable moment...
So far away

Overcoming our faults,
we realise what true kindness is,
because you and I found
a strength called love...!!

I believe your love
As we trembled,
we repeated our wish in a kiss.
(You are here... and so am I...)
Please don't ever forget...

I believe your dream.
Feelings that intensify...
Turning affection into a prayer
I want to show you my heart's pounding
So hot, so fierce...
So far away

The pain of tears shed
For someone held dear
Pierces the earth, and drenches the land...
I want to end this sorrow!!

I believe your love
Never give up...
Spread open your wounded wings.
Flying up to the sky, you sketch
a boundless dream, so far away...

I believe your dream
Show me a smile,
even though you're overflowing with sorrow,
since someday you want to be proud of
this irreplaceable moment...

I believe your love
As we trembled,
we repeated our wish in a kiss.
(You are here... and so am I...)
Please don't ever forget...

I believe your dream.
Feelings that intensify...
Turning affection into a prayer
I want to show you my heart's pounding
So hot, so fierce...
So far away

things should be done... actions muz be taken

2005-09-08T22:42:00.000+08:00

name:wang ming kang a.k.a chris(shifu)
sex:have something girls dun... k??
mood:doubtful...but...
char: lame... serious after that...later lame again
song of the day: last impression(gundam wing endless waltz)

comments:

till now... i dun even noe wat the hell is going on... at times i feel that i can get through u le... at times i dun...

suddenly... u juz float past me... i wan to catch... but u fly even more...

u never told me ur true feelings till now... but i am sastified... with the memories i have... it is a pleasant experience... things u shown me... things u tell me... i appreciated it alot... realli... at least that is a sign of u opening up... but... u suddenly close up... and i er... dunno wat the hell happen... so...that is that...

i feel i do wrong... but... i am sure of my actions now... no more indecisive actions... no more hiding... no more closing up my heart.... this is wat i truely feel... and the action i wanna take...(can u see the efforts i make to sustain this relationship??? i have make a lot of steps... all i ask is for u to make juz one step to opening up ur heart...)

i noe u are almost making that step... but it is like something that u nid unlock... u muz pass the key to others outside for ppl to save u... it is like the hse is on fire... u r in pain... i stand outside... i can't bear to see u in pain... and i wan to rush inside... but the prob is... i dun have the key... u have it... and there is a hole i trying my best to open up... all u have to do is to pass me that key... but... suddenly... the hole become smaller and smaller... but u can still pass it to me...

haha...u finally open up... but... not in the time... location and feeling i wan... now...u rather u be burn alive... and watever i say... the flames juz wun put out... finally i noe wat the fire is about... but... can i put out the flames???

well... things have come to this stage...

----i say i will learn... and already i am learning...---

---u never give me the chance---

---i give u plenty---

---to learn---

eh... i feeling helpless again...

2005-09-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

name:lamer
sex:hope i am a female
mood:down the drains
char of the day:lame on the outside...sad on the inside
song of the day:futari(meaning...us)

comments:
i realli cannot make it le.... WAT THE DIAOZ... my whole eltech i dun understand 1 single shyt inside...
plz.... someone help me... i realli is gonna drown le... i dun wanna drown in my sorrows... but... i can't.... i.... can u forgive me???

u say u hate every single of us(maybe)...i dun even noe who u toking about... i noe u r in pain... but i am too... maybe by reliefing ur troubles to me will be a greater pain...but at least i noe wat the hell is going on...
can u forgive me wat i have done???

i dun have the strength to dig out from u ur troubles le... so...can u tell me???
can u let me?? prod into ur troubles... maybe if i am the cause of it... tell me... at least let me noe who is the one behind all this... maybe i am the one... but... can u plz forgive me???

if i am the one behind all this...

i can onie think of one reason why...

because i tok to rachel they all... tell them wat we are going through now... i can't say i am innocent...i am guilty as charge... but wat i am doing... for whom did i do it for... i wanna find some answers... i do it for u...
i remember telling u i was not like this be4... my ex help me alot... i am not saying i nid her... but i nid someone who i can tok to when i am in trouble... when i am lost... i realli nid some answers... to wat u are feeling now... to wat u r going through now... so at least i can understand that u r going through a rough day...

---i noe i should not be doing that... but... can u forgive me???----

i am a boy... as u always say... we are phyisical beings... u r emotional beings... we can be emotional... but we can never understand fully wat u girls r going through... so i nid another of ur species to tell me... can u forgive me??? for wat i have done...

plz... forgive me... dun be like that... it hurts me alot... realli...

this is the 2nd op of bleach... i noe i have posted it once... but this song is wat i realli wan to tell u...

jap...

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi yo
kesenai kako mo seoi atte ikou ikiru koto wo nage dasanai de

tsunaida kimi no te wo

itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana
usurete iku egao to kimi wo mamoritai kara
hibiku boku wo yobu koe sae kare
toki ni sou kaze ni kaki kesaretatte
kimi wo mitsuke dasu

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru
toki ga kuru daro

sabikitta hito no you ni

kasanari au dake ga munashikute
hitori de ikite ikerutte itta
arifureta yasashisa kotobajya
ima wa mou todokanai hodo ni kimi wa
uzukidasu

tsunai da kimi no te wa nanigenai yasashisa wo motome
Do you remember
itami wo shiru koto de hito ni yasashiku nareru kara
Drive your Life

ienai itami kanashimi de kizu tsuita kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante kotoba sou iwanai de
mienai mirai ni okoru koto subete ni imi ga aru kara
ima wa sono mama de ii kitto kizukeru
toki ga kuru daro

How can I see the meaning of life
kieteku you're the only. . .

kowarenai you ni to hanarete iku kimi
mou waraenai nante hito girai nante
kotoba sou iwanai de
ima wa by and by mie nakuttatte subete
ni imi ga aru kara
kesenai kako mo seoi attekou ikiru koto
wo nagedasanai de
You'd better forget everything.
Remember. . . your different Life?
You'd better forget everything.
Remember. . . modoranai kedo
hizunda kioku no you na toki no naka de
itsuka wakari aeru kara

eng version...

Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased; don't throw away your will to live

Your hand that I held...

Will we lose it someday?
I want to protect you and that disappearing smile
The ringing voice that calls me dries out
Even if it gets erased by the wind along time
I will find you

Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there'll come a time when you will realize

Like a rusted person

It felt so hollow to just pile atop one another
You said you could live on your own
Just with the usual kind words
You ache to a point where I cannot reach you

Your hand that I held searched for some simple kindness
Do you remember
By learning pain, you can become a person who can be kind to others
Drive your Life

Injured with pain and sadness, the you that cannot be healed
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Everything that happens in the unseen future has a meaning
So stay like this, there'll come a time when you will realize

How can I see the meaning of life
Disappearing, you're the only. . .

So you will not break, you distance yourself from me
Don't say words like you can't smile or you hate people
Now it's by and by, even if you cannot see,
there's a meaning to everything
Shoulder the burden of the past that cannot be erased;
don't throw away your will to live

You'd better forget everything.
Remember. . . your different Life?
You'd better forget everything.
Remember. . . though, we cannot return
Like in times of warped memories, we can understand someday

plzzz... will i lose ur hand that i held so tightly someday???

-_-'''anime tunes/songs...-_-'''

2005-08-26T14:29:00.000+08:00

name:shi fu -_-'''
sex:usual la...-_-'''
mood:terrific -_-'''
char of the day: happy and lame -_-'''
song of the day:wa... alot leh... but i like one tune from gundam seed soundtrack... you and i, unfufilled feelings(wordless version of kimi wa boku ni niteru... and slower)-_-'''

comments:

dled alot of songs today... nice... all of them... like them alot... another nice addition to my collection...

heard alot bout police this few days... bout the illegal dling of stuff... haiz... gotta burn them all in my cds le... diaoz... nid a whole 3 months to do it leh... diaoz...

well... nice days i had... juz that i failed my EPS... wat the diaoz... heheehe new phrase learn today... wtd... stands for wat the diaoz...-_-'''

no wtf or wth le... now is wtd... WAT THE DIAOZ... lamer -_-'''

updating....-_-'''

2005-08-26T00:25:00.000+08:00

name:chris
sex:male
mood:not bad...
char of the day: lame....
song of the day:evo...one vision...with the will

comments:

well... very stress this following days... cause of the exams... and the workload... haha...heng i got 2 very lame frens who help me relax at weekends... but leh...i still got one soccer match...and i sprain my leg... WTF... haiz... try my best loh... akiramenai...

diaoz... lOl... i would wan to update lyrics... but leh... haiz... now dling song... so very slow... better not la....

-_-''' nice rite??? hehehe... my symbol hor... dun siaosiao.... stands for lamer... lOl... but leh... my frens is realli my shi fu loh... they lamer den me... LOL... -_-'''

<---...----a n i lvl E c r a Z E---...---->

Unknown feelings

Recent months-Lonely...

~School Days~

Tired? Or losing myself?

Sicked... Red EYED CHRIS!!!

DDR-CRAZE!!!

Re-Thinkings

Girls... confused

new... and old things

New UNDERSTANDINGs...

Revived...

WHERE THE OTAKU IN ME!!!!!

new things... new days...

new things... new days...

KIRA

WAT TO DO???

driving myself

new song...

Q&A session!!!

Caring for others *new findings*

worst day of the month???

birthday today!!!

A new song!!!

tahan tahan TAHAN!!!

SCH STARTS LE!!!

daijobu... honto ni daijobu

failure

breaking down

interview!!!

current work

wat colours am I to u???

chinese lyrics???!?!?!?!??!?!

maybe a new blogskin???

BLOG JUMPING

RECENT DAYS AND MEMORIES

superband

song lyrics yet again!!!

airport

recent days again!!!

korean dramas

webby obtained!!!

recent life

Silence(silent)

trying hard... but i am too tired!!!

xin li yi sheng

An Empty Bottle

hurt...

Tsubasa Chronicle

current days...

exams...chats...

lazyness

sounds

new blog

life emoticon

-_-

relax....

haiz...

haiz

C.N.Y

孤独不苦

updated

failed...

soccer

working hard@@@

you are my love

xin fu... or not???

LIFE'S EMOTION

things that go wrong will be still wrong...

updated.......

-------------------

updated again

working out...

updated....

death??? or iszzit???

fate...or isszit???

exam finish le...

things should be done... actions muz be taken

eh... i feeling helpless again...

-_-'''anime tunes/songs...-_-'''

Caring for others new findings