Im feeling a little... unhappy... and tired. I dunno how long more i can withstand this life of mine, and how long more before i burst everything out. Im tired... too tired to think straight.

This world suxs... Why do humans exist in the first place? Why do a higher being create us? And since they had created us, why isn't there any punishment to wicked people?

I always think that fairness and equality can be found in a place that i can call my home. But... recent events make me thinks otherwise. Im beginning to lose hope, of this family... and of this world.

Humans... are selfish... and will always think of themselves first, before anything else. Faced with bad circumstances, they can even betray and abandon their own family members, and leave them to suffer those circumstances. It's not till truth points to them about their wrong-doings that they admitted that it's their fault. And the punisher, having wrongly blamed someone, didn't apologise or do anything to make it up for him or her. Worst still, after meting out the punishment to the wrong person, the punisher gives a much softer punishment to the wrong-doer. I could understand the reasons for not apologising, as all humans have their own pride, and asking them to admit their wrong-doing to a lower peer would be deemed degrading.

Fairness... is but a dream. An unattainable dream for most humans, and a very difficult task to perform for the rest of us. i understand the difficulties behind it, but after multiple reminding, if that someone still can't be fair, then it would means...

I am but one human, and would not be able to change the world even if i wanted to. But that doesn't mean i would give up. Humans... though they are detestable and incomplete, i would try my utmost best to improve them.

~Even if the morrow lies barren with promises, nothing shall forestall my return~
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 3:37 AM





Well, months... yup... months. It's been months since i last posted here. And honestly, that would mean good news... It means that i haven't been having some real troubles with my life.


So when i blog now, it means im troubled. Over wat? My life.

I took a step back and i look... i cant realli see anything infront of me. I see no hope, nor future. Im lost again, lost in the labyrinth of life.

It's been too tired for me. Handling fansub and school together. None of my frens seem to understand me, and they become distant from me bit by bit. I don't blame them, as im not someone anyone can juz understand me without effort put in. I'm a deep person, maybe too deep, becoz of that, i'm always alone.

Even i don't quite understand myself. Sometimes, i feel like i have 2 personalities in me. One being the gentle me, always forgiving, always naive. The other, rebellious, cruel, violent and troublemaking.

I changed alot this few months, i don't know hw much i changed, but its a fact that i changed. I can't seem to find the motivation to do the things i wanna do.
I'm tired of guessing wat others are thinking about. Tired of everyone around me becoming strangers. I'm scared, very scared of being lonely. I don't wanna get outcasted again, don't wanna become alone again. I juz wanna have someone that i can talk heart to heart with. Someone that understands me, that i can say watever i wan to him.

I found one, but becoz of money, he avoided me. Becoz of money, i spoil this frenship of mine with my own hands. Sometimes, helping someone too much isn't good.

Somehow, it dawned on me that i need frens to survive. I can't be lonely, as i will be nothing if i am.

With that said, i don't know if i can still hold on to this pathetic life of mine, and remain the MK you guys know. I simply have no confidence on my future now, and motivation to do anything is naught too.

Let's juz wait and see?

Labels: Loneliness

posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 3:18 AM





Juz finish watching an anime called School days. This anime seems interesting enough, so... i watch the first few episodes... After watching them, i start to research about them... And the content shocked me that much that i have to blog about it.

The anime is about a guy, likes a girl on the train called katsura who is in the same school as him.
This guy, Makoto, captured her image on to the HP he has, but was accidentally peeked by a girl sitting beside him, Sekai. Sekai bring this 2 people in love together. Makoto, confused about why she did so, ask her about her reasons. Sekai said that she have to do something for him since she peeked into his HP.

Makoto never knew that, Sekai is in love with him.

After few months pass, Sekai, who was so confused about her feelings with Makato, sometimes show actions that let katsura thinks that she may have fallen for Makato. During this time, Makato, who is also confused about his close relationship with Sekai, starts to be indecisive and make both girls feeled troubled about him.

After a while, sex came into the story and make their relationship more confusing and troublesome. Finally, when Makato was on a date with Katsura, Sekai called and told Makato that she had prepared dinner for him at his house. Makato was fed-up with her actions and told her to go home now. During the trip home, Sekai saw Makato and Katsura acting intimately. She went straight back to Makato's house.

Katsura told Sekai that Makato has fallen in love with her and Sekai is merely a nusiance to him. Deeply hurted, Sekai rushed out of the house telling Makato she was pregrant. At night, Makato SMSed Sekai that Katsura has found a very gd doctor for her to take an abortion. Hurted once again by this, and deeply grieved over his heartless-ness, she told Makato to meet up in his house as she had something to say to him.

In his house, Sekai took a knife and stabbed Makato repeatedly. Soon, Makato died with Sekai fleeing from the scenes. Katsura happened to visit Makato and found his body lying there. She broke down totally and cried.

Katsura SMS Sekai to meet as she has something to say to her. Sekai went cautiously and bring with her the knife she used to kil Makato. Katsura start to ask about Sekai's pregancy and suspect that she is lying. After that, Katsura ask Sekai to look into the bag she brought. Sekai peeked into it and inside was the head of Makato. She feel sicked at once after seeing this and become weakened. Katsura revealed that she has a cleaver with her and attacked Sekai. Sekai was unable to dodge it and was killed.

Soon, Katsura, her eyes totally lifeless, wondered about whether her pregnancy was real. She use the cleaver and cut a small hole into Sekai's body. With this, "As i expected, u're lying... THERE'S NO ONE INSIDE YOU...", she take the bag containing Makato's head and left.

The last scene shows Katsura holding Makato's head and say" We are finally together now." In the school, the HP that Makato used to captured Katsura's image is left on the rooftop that Sekai was killed and has never been touched ever since.




This anime was the first i saw that makes me so shocked. Other animes i have watched juz makes me feel sad or happy about them. But this anime juz makes me think about lots of things. It makes me wonder if i was in Makato's shoes, will the whole thing end up like that, or will it be a happier ending. For now, i think i have the confidence to make things to not end up like that. But as experience shows, when emotions come into the picture, i will act very rashly. And i may be chopped up into many pieces like Makato, by the woman i loved deeply.
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 9:36 PM





Again with updates... well... it juz means that im not going too well with my life...

i dunno wat happen to me... something juz seems wrong... im realli very tired... its that kind of tired that u dun even know that u are tired... guess im not making much sense...

sometimes... i can lose control of my strength suddenly... take for example... i was eating KFC once... and u know i love chilli... well... so i tried to open up the chilli packets... and to my great surpise... i suddenly juz rip it open... and the chilli spilled out on my clothes... i dunno y... but i juz lose control of my strength suddenly...

this few days... i cant even keep myself myself up straight... i even fall down myself juz because i lose my balance on a totally even road...

my concentration... reflexes... and thinking dulled... i juz knocked into more and more ppl everyday... and i realli dun seem to know of the reason...except that im tired...but i dun feel tired at all... *shrugs*

im also getting emotionally tired... i realli feel very tired to try to blend into my colleagues interests... and try to make fun with them... i juz feel... not myself... im realli slowly losing myself... losing myself as cwmkt...

i get angered easily by my closest frens... those which realli means alot to me... i dunno y... maybe because im already fed up with me trying to blend in... and wans them to, instead , blend in with me...

i think that i can handle it... working day and night... without having a life... but... it seems like i cant... im slowly losing control of my own emotions... my life... and my limbs... Can i last till the end?

i need money... and i dunno whether i need a rest or not... so... all i can think of... is to look ahead and walk the path i set for myself...

alot of things happened recently... and it makes me feel bad about things... no matter wat did they do... i still felt that... we shd give them one more chance... but... i have given too much chances... so... i juz kept quiet... and let them isolate themselves... i care... but... i... have given up hope...


Anyone... help me find ways for me to relax... DO NOT ASK ME GO TO NIGHTCLUBS... i have went there... and find myself torturing myself for the whole duration...
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 9:25 PM





Yo ppl... im here to update again...

lots of things happen... again... im sicked... very sick!!! this red eye of mine... give me such torment and suffering that... i would rather.......

anyway... i dunno where i get this eye from... juz that it hurts like hell on the first day...
and on the night of the first day... it gives me a fever for a welcome present...
2nd day... after a nap... it gives me another present... also in the shape of a fever...
2nd day night... another PRESENT!!!
3rd day's nap... presents!!! plus sore throat as a extra something...
3rd day's night... which is now... ok... no more presents!!!


i cant slp well at night... and im shivering like hell everytime i slp... it seems like i infected both my mum and sis... LOL... now they get MCs too!!!*lets get MC together!!!*

Pretty guilty that i have to let zg take up 3 days of work alone... and today is suppose to be the day he gotta be off from work... but i cant work with my body like this... haiz!!!




everything seems to be fine now... with a few more dose of medicine... i think i shd be fine...
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 10:47 PM





As requested by Alica... i gotta blog now...


Like wat i told her, i only blog when my life has problems... Anyway... time to blog now...

hmmm... wat happen nowadays??? actually quite alot...

1: I will not be extended... meaning my japan plan falls through. Either i find a job now... or i have to give up going to japan...

2: i fall in love with DDR. Though its juz keypad smashing now... but i feel i will be buying a pad for my own... need to realli train these legs of mine now...

3: Will be going to the gym regularly... Too much fat is gathering!!! WHY??? "Because NUS left right center also got cafe or canteen!!! BUI TAHAN AR!!!"


4: Im taking up quite alot of new animes at the moment!!! maybe too much...


New animes im taking up now: seto no hanayome(ZG is almost crazy over this one!!!)
Claymore(VIOLENT!!! i LUV IT!!!)
Doujin work(almost laugh my ass off at their " perverty")
Hayate no Gotoku(GOD!!! from Bradd pitt to Inuyasha!!! all is mention here!!!)
Lucky Star(Haruhi fevor lives in it!!! CHARS ARE DAMN CUTE IN THIS!!! MOE FEVOR!!!)





thats all for news update... well... will be updating more...


animes i CONFIRM will be taking up!!!

SHAKUGAN no SHANA( OMGOMGOMGOMGOMomgomgomgomg!!! shana is here again!!! god bless her!!! MOEMOEMOEMOEMOEMOE!!!)

The meloncholy of Haruhi suzumiya( MOE FEVOR!!! prepare for the invasion of Haruhi's SOS brigade!!!)


thats all folks... sore ja... sayonara!!!
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 11:55 PM





When i look into the screen for blogger, i stop for a while... i dun realli know wat i wanna write about... but yet... i have lots to write... im confused... with alot of things that is happening to me recently...


JUZ finish watching the show in TV... it shows how girls can be nasty... and how battles are fought without anyone knowing about it... it makes me think alot... makes me think that... actually... im in it too...

fighting a war is tiring... but this war... has caused me lots of suffering... i guess i had lost my own personality... all i know about is how to get things done the better way... how to let those ppl feel that i can do it... how to regain my confidence...


i lost myself den... hurting all that is close to me... that matters to me... i realli dun wanna do that... but i guess that i becoming more of an asshole day by day... i remember alicia telling me that if u wanna be a good guy... be so good that all ppl compliments u when they talk about u... if u wanna be a bad guy... make sure u can be so bad...

guess im always in the center... wandering between the lines of good and bad... i always aim to be someone who can be depended on... but does that mean u can harm others to protect the people that are close to u??? i feel that this isn't the mingkang that i wanna be...

some of u may think that i am naive... or juz i dunno about how dark can a guy thinks... i been through all that... i been through so much betrayals... so much deceptions... but i still feel that... no matter wat... we should not hurt others... let them be wat they wan... it does not matters me...


guess i have my new aim now... new heading for life... im going to improve myself... to make sure that i can depended on...
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 9:38 PM

Tagboard section

Im feeling a little... unhappy... and tired. I dunno how long more i can withstand this life of mine, and how long more before i burst everything out. Im tired... too tired to think straight.

This world suxs... Why do humans exist in the first place? Why do a higher being create us? And since they had created us, why isn't there any punishment to wicked people?

I always think that fairness and equality can be found in a place that i can call my home. But... recent events make me thinks otherwise. Im beginning to lose hope, of this family... and of this world.

Humans... are selfish... and will always think of themselves first, before anything else. Faced with bad circumstances, they can even betray and abandon their own family members, and leave them to suffer those circumstances. It's not till truth points to them about their wrong-doings that they admitted that it's their fault. And the punisher, having wrongly blamed someone, didn't apologise or do anything to make it up for him or her. Worst still, after meting out the punishment to the wrong person, the punisher gives a much softer punishment to the wrong-doer. I could understand the reasons for not apologising, as all humans have their own pride, and asking them to admit their wrong-doing to a lower peer would be deemed degrading.

Fairness... is but a dream. An unattainable dream for most humans, and a very difficult task to perform for the rest of us. i understand the difficulties behind it, but after multiple reminding, if that someone still can't be fair, then it would means...

I am but one human, and would not be able to change the world even if i wanted to. But that doesn't mean i would give up. Humans... though they are detestable and incomplete, i would try my utmost best to improve them.

~Even if the morrow lies barren with promises, nothing shall forestall my return~
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 3:37 AM





Well, months... yup... months. It's been months since i last posted here. And honestly, that would mean good news... It means that i haven't been having some real troubles with my life.


So when i blog now, it means im troubled. Over wat? My life.

I took a step back and i look... i cant realli see anything infront of me. I see no hope, nor future. Im lost again, lost in the labyrinth of life.

It's been too tired for me. Handling fansub and school together. None of my frens seem to understand me, and they become distant from me bit by bit. I don't blame them, as im not someone anyone can juz understand me without effort put in. I'm a deep person, maybe too deep, becoz of that, i'm always alone.

Even i don't quite understand myself. Sometimes, i feel like i have 2 personalities in me. One being the gentle me, always forgiving, always naive. The other, rebellious, cruel, violent and troublemaking.

I changed alot this few months, i don't know hw much i changed, but its a fact that i changed. I can't seem to find the motivation to do the things i wanna do.
I'm tired of guessing wat others are thinking about. Tired of everyone around me becoming strangers. I'm scared, very scared of being lonely. I don't wanna get outcasted again, don't wanna become alone again. I juz wanna have someone that i can talk heart to heart with. Someone that understands me, that i can say watever i wan to him.

I found one, but becoz of money, he avoided me. Becoz of money, i spoil this frenship of mine with my own hands. Sometimes, helping someone too much isn't good.

Somehow, it dawned on me that i need frens to survive. I can't be lonely, as i will be nothing if i am.

With that said, i don't know if i can still hold on to this pathetic life of mine, and remain the MK you guys know. I simply have no confidence on my future now, and motivation to do anything is naught too.

Let's juz wait and see?

Labels: Loneliness

posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 3:18 AM





Juz finish watching an anime called School days. This anime seems interesting enough, so... i watch the first few episodes... After watching them, i start to research about them... And the content shocked me that much that i have to blog about it.

The anime is about a guy, likes a girl on the train called katsura who is in the same school as him.
This guy, Makoto, captured her image on to the HP he has, but was accidentally peeked by a girl sitting beside him, Sekai. Sekai bring this 2 people in love together. Makoto, confused about why she did so, ask her about her reasons. Sekai said that she have to do something for him since she peeked into his HP.

Makoto never knew that, Sekai is in love with him.

After few months pass, Sekai, who was so confused about her feelings with Makato, sometimes show actions that let katsura thinks that she may have fallen for Makato. During this time, Makato, who is also confused about his close relationship with Sekai, starts to be indecisive and make both girls feeled troubled about him.

After a while, sex came into the story and make their relationship more confusing and troublesome. Finally, when Makato was on a date with Katsura, Sekai called and told Makato that she had prepared dinner for him at his house. Makato was fed-up with her actions and told her to go home now. During the trip home, Sekai saw Makato and Katsura acting intimately. She went straight back to Makato's house.

Katsura told Sekai that Makato has fallen in love with her and Sekai is merely a nusiance to him. Deeply hurted, Sekai rushed out of the house telling Makato she was pregrant. At night, Makato SMSed Sekai that Katsura has found a very gd doctor for her to take an abortion. Hurted once again by this, and deeply grieved over his heartless-ness, she told Makato to meet up in his house as she had something to say to him.

In his house, Sekai took a knife and stabbed Makato repeatedly. Soon, Makato died with Sekai fleeing from the scenes. Katsura happened to visit Makato and found his body lying there. She broke down totally and cried.

Katsura SMS Sekai to meet as she has something to say to her. Sekai went cautiously and bring with her the knife she used to kil Makato. Katsura start to ask about Sekai's pregancy and suspect that she is lying. After that, Katsura ask Sekai to look into the bag she brought. Sekai peeked into it and inside was the head of Makato. She feel sicked at once after seeing this and become weakened. Katsura revealed that she has a cleaver with her and attacked Sekai. Sekai was unable to dodge it and was killed.

Soon, Katsura, her eyes totally lifeless, wondered about whether her pregnancy was real. She use the cleaver and cut a small hole into Sekai's body. With this, "As i expected, u're lying... THERE'S NO ONE INSIDE YOU...", she take the bag containing Makato's head and left.

The last scene shows Katsura holding Makato's head and say" We are finally together now." In the school, the HP that Makato used to captured Katsura's image is left on the rooftop that Sekai was killed and has never been touched ever since.




This anime was the first i saw that makes me so shocked. Other animes i have watched juz makes me feel sad or happy about them. But this anime juz makes me think about lots of things. It makes me wonder if i was in Makato's shoes, will the whole thing end up like that, or will it be a happier ending. For now, i think i have the confidence to make things to not end up like that. But as experience shows, when emotions come into the picture, i will act very rashly. And i may be chopped up into many pieces like Makato, by the woman i loved deeply.
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 9:36 PM





Again with updates... well... it juz means that im not going too well with my life...

i dunno wat happen to me... something juz seems wrong... im realli very tired... its that kind of tired that u dun even know that u are tired... guess im not making much sense...

sometimes... i can lose control of my strength suddenly... take for example... i was eating KFC once... and u know i love chilli... well... so i tried to open up the chilli packets... and to my great surpise... i suddenly juz rip it open... and the chilli spilled out on my clothes... i dunno y... but i juz lose control of my strength suddenly...

this few days... i cant even keep myself myself up straight... i even fall down myself juz because i lose my balance on a totally even road...

my concentration... reflexes... and thinking dulled... i juz knocked into more and more ppl everyday... and i realli dun seem to know of the reason...except that im tired...but i dun feel tired at all... *shrugs*

im also getting emotionally tired... i realli feel very tired to try to blend into my colleagues interests... and try to make fun with them... i juz feel... not myself... im realli slowly losing myself... losing myself as cwmkt...

i get angered easily by my closest frens... those which realli means alot to me... i dunno y... maybe because im already fed up with me trying to blend in... and wans them to, instead , blend in with me...

i think that i can handle it... working day and night... without having a life... but... it seems like i cant... im slowly losing control of my own emotions... my life... and my limbs... Can i last till the end?

i need money... and i dunno whether i need a rest or not... so... all i can think of... is to look ahead and walk the path i set for myself...

alot of things happened recently... and it makes me feel bad about things... no matter wat did they do... i still felt that... we shd give them one more chance... but... i have given too much chances... so... i juz kept quiet... and let them isolate themselves... i care... but... i... have given up hope...


Anyone... help me find ways for me to relax... DO NOT ASK ME GO TO NIGHTCLUBS... i have went there... and find myself torturing myself for the whole duration...
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 9:25 PM





Yo ppl... im here to update again...

lots of things happen... again... im sicked... very sick!!! this red eye of mine... give me such torment and suffering that... i would rather.......

anyway... i dunno where i get this eye from... juz that it hurts like hell on the first day...
and on the night of the first day... it gives me a fever for a welcome present...
2nd day... after a nap... it gives me another present... also in the shape of a fever...
2nd day night... another PRESENT!!!
3rd day's nap... presents!!! plus sore throat as a extra something...
3rd day's night... which is now... ok... no more presents!!!


i cant slp well at night... and im shivering like hell everytime i slp... it seems like i infected both my mum and sis... LOL... now they get MCs too!!!*lets get MC together!!!*

Pretty guilty that i have to let zg take up 3 days of work alone... and today is suppose to be the day he gotta be off from work... but i cant work with my body like this... haiz!!!




everything seems to be fine now... with a few more dose of medicine... i think i shd be fine...
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 10:47 PM





As requested by Alica... i gotta blog now...


Like wat i told her, i only blog when my life has problems... Anyway... time to blog now...

hmmm... wat happen nowadays??? actually quite alot...

1: I will not be extended... meaning my japan plan falls through. Either i find a job now... or i have to give up going to japan...

2: i fall in love with DDR. Though its juz keypad smashing now... but i feel i will be buying a pad for my own... need to realli train these legs of mine now...

3: Will be going to the gym regularly... Too much fat is gathering!!! WHY??? "Because NUS left right center also got cafe or canteen!!! BUI TAHAN AR!!!"


4: Im taking up quite alot of new animes at the moment!!! maybe too much...


New animes im taking up now: seto no hanayome(ZG is almost crazy over this one!!!)
Claymore(VIOLENT!!! i LUV IT!!!)
Doujin work(almost laugh my ass off at their " perverty")
Hayate no Gotoku(GOD!!! from Bradd pitt to Inuyasha!!! all is mention here!!!)
Lucky Star(Haruhi fevor lives in it!!! CHARS ARE DAMN CUTE IN THIS!!! MOE FEVOR!!!)





thats all for news update... well... will be updating more...


animes i CONFIRM will be taking up!!!

SHAKUGAN no SHANA( OMGOMGOMGOMGOMomgomgomgomg!!! shana is here again!!! god bless her!!! MOEMOEMOEMOEMOEMOE!!!)

The meloncholy of Haruhi suzumiya( MOE FEVOR!!! prepare for the invasion of Haruhi's SOS brigade!!!)


thats all folks... sore ja... sayonara!!!
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 11:55 PM





When i look into the screen for blogger, i stop for a while... i dun realli know wat i wanna write about... but yet... i have lots to write... im confused... with alot of things that is happening to me recently...


JUZ finish watching the show in TV... it shows how girls can be nasty... and how battles are fought without anyone knowing about it... it makes me think alot... makes me think that... actually... im in it too...

fighting a war is tiring... but this war... has caused me lots of suffering... i guess i had lost my own personality... all i know about is how to get things done the better way... how to let those ppl feel that i can do it... how to regain my confidence...


i lost myself den... hurting all that is close to me... that matters to me... i realli dun wanna do that... but i guess that i becoming more of an asshole day by day... i remember alicia telling me that if u wanna be a good guy... be so good that all ppl compliments u when they talk about u... if u wanna be a bad guy... make sure u can be so bad...

guess im always in the center... wandering between the lines of good and bad... i always aim to be someone who can be depended on... but does that mean u can harm others to protect the people that are close to u??? i feel that this isn't the mingkang that i wanna be...

some of u may think that i am naive... or juz i dunno about how dark can a guy thinks... i been through all that... i been through so much betrayals... so much deceptions... but i still feel that... no matter wat... we should not hurt others... let them be wat they wan... it does not matters me...


guess i have my new aim now... new heading for life... im going to improve myself... to make sure that i can depended on...
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 9:38 PM

there is nth for me to say ba...
since some of u have noe me very well...
some of u will noe me abit... so wat i am realli is is all up to u...

July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 September 2007 January 2008 March 2008


July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
September 2007
January 2008
March 2008

Links Section. Layout by Photokicho!
Edited by chris
blog of janice
blog of casilda