wat could you have done??? i keep on asking myself... wat will u do if u are in other ppl shoes... again... i think... again i forced myself to understand wat were they thinking... i dun understand myself anymore... i dun even wanna understand about myself... there are things which keep me back from showing my true self... is the real society out there realli a place where u can't show ur true self anymore???

i wanna held my head high and walk the earth... i wanna noe that i am right... and do watever i please... i dun wanna care how other ppl think about me...

my frens... they are so important to me... so bloody important to me that i can sacrifice my own life to save any of them... others before me... i did ask myself... before i go deeper into frenship... can i make him more important den me??? and i ans yes always...

i treat all of my frens as true frens... as true buddies... that we can scold around... play around... joke around... and things... but apparently... i have misplaced my trust in them...

SO... i will hold my tongue... keep myself from toking much... i shall kill my heart... i dun wanna put in more effort into frenships which has no meanings inside... i shall keep my silence... to let ppl not to dislike me... and to make myself dislike ppl... i will change myself into a darker person... a more deep person... i shall kill ppl without them noeing it...

i dislike being myself more and more... this god-damn sense of peace loving... this god damn sense of wanting to outshine others... this stupid sense of saying" u guys must have ur reasons for doing that"

NO... I WANNA KILL EVERY ME INSIDE THAT HAVE ANY OF THIS VALUES... to make myself into a darker person... this is wat i can do... for now...
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 8:36 PM





wat is the defination of trying hard?? i think of this question for a long time already. is it juz coming to school everyday and be so cheeky to teachers that teachers fear to see u and try to avoid u? is it not coming to school and staying at home reading ur own notes??? is it by saying dunno u try to slack??? or is it juz trying to escape from work by saying" i have no mood to do that now" i realli dunno wat the hell is trying hard anymore...

i guess everyone has a way of trying hard... his or her own way of trying hard... others may not see that he or she is trying hard... but in fact... he or she is trying as hard as possible... well i dunno... cause i cannot be that person... i can't argue against myself to justify ur actions...cause ur actions has already pass the boundaries of normal thinking.

i am so damn stressed and tired now... my oop has slackened... i trying my best to catch up with oop... i accepted critiscm that i have not been listening in class... i accepted... because i am guilty of it... i wanna catch up... but i does not help when ppl juz try to shove more work ur way...

i am tired... realli... i force myself to get up from my bed and wear my smelly slippers to sch... i force myself to smile and say"nvm... i am not angry with u guys" i force myself to try and understand ppl... when my gut feeling is that those guys out there are juz trying to get an A without any real hard work putted in... I AM TIRED!!! realli... i wish i can juz rest for a day and not come to sch... let my mind rest and things... but... i can't... work is piling up... work that isn't mine is piling up!!! i have to do... i muz do... for others... and for myself... i realli dun like to do this... but i will do it... if thats wat u guys wan me to do...i value others more den myself... i wan others happier den me... i wan to noe that their happiness is all brought by me... i wan such a sense of achievement... i wan to juz help them bit by bit... lessen their burden bit by bit...

i hate fights... i hate quarrels... i love peace... i like peace... i dun wanna give up peace juz to say that i am right... i rather let the whole world thinks that i am wrong... if that can be exchanged for peace... i willingly give up my right to prove that i am correct... yet... i can't bear it anymore... but i still like peace... wat should i do??? throw my feelings here... that is the only thing i can do... to stop myself froming flaring up... to stop myself from jumping down... i wanna escape... i dun wanna be me anymore... this stress... this agony... this god damn stupid sense of peace-loving... i wan to noe how to hate ppl... i wanna noe how to scold ppl back... i wanna noe how to tell ppl off when i am correct... i love all that... but i can't do that... i wanna ask tjk lots of ques todae... but ppl call me yaya when i ask ques... so i refrain from asking...

i accepted yaya this nickname because i failed to turn up for that soccer match... that i accepted... but for calling me yaya juz because i wanna catch up on studies and ask ques... " wtf is wrong with u ppl!!!!"

gotta get back to e games... i am tired... but i can't slp till janice did her part... i wanna make sure that all of my group mates have finish... den i can slp... others before me... that will be my way of living... though i dun like this way of living... but compared to ppl who can hurt those they meant to hurt... i prefer this way of living better...
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 11:57 PM





i guess some ppl juz nid to cool down for a while... some times over care and concern will bring harm to the person... sometimes.... the more u care... the more u hurt that person...

haiz... being a doc is realli hard... but i am doing fine... i think i can do wat she taught me to do... Now... with my heart dead... i wun have to worry about whether i will fall in love with my patients anymore...

Alot of times when one knows a person very well... u will be curious to find out more... more and more... till u eventually find out that u have fallen in love for her... but now... i dun nid to worry about those anymore... i juz do wat i wan to do... and juz be done with it...

till now... i have relieved 3 of my frens out of their misery... i dunno wat i can do for them in the beginning... but at least i still have ears for them to say wat they wan... still have my hands for me to pat them on the back... still have my shoulder for them to rest on...

but as things go on... i realise that i can help them... since i am an outsider... i see things more clearly den them... so i can see wat lies ahead of them...

lolz... why am i saying so much about this... maybe it is wat happen ytd... wat happen realli shocked me... and make me feel that if i am not there... god noes wat happen to that girl...

ytd... after work... i was pulled out by yan ping to eat supper... she was normal back den... and the four of us... me, kenny, eeling and her go a long way to eat roti prata... which is outside national library... we tok about alot of things... and kenny seems unhappy about yan ping and me... maybe because he is jealous or something...*me and yanping were mainly the one toking*
after that... we went into a bar for some drinks... remembering my last mistake on drinks... i dun wanna drink... eeling and kenny dun wanna drink too... so yan ping drink alone... eeling allows yanping to drink 1 cup onie... coz she dun like her to drink... but after that one cup... yan ping help me order one x~atasy... after that she juz drink abit from my cup... eeling straightaway become angry with yanping but she never say anything...

after that because of this... i try to drink finish the x~atasy... it taste nice... totally... but den... it is highly achoholic and i think i can;t survive the trip home if i finish one of it... so i juz drink half... by the time i finish the cup... eeling and yan ping has start quarreling and i have to step in to stop this 2 frens from becoming something worse... i can settle eeling without any prob... but yan ping keep on crying and things... after that... she pour all her feelings and thinkings out... and i gotta understand her more after that... i dun wanna say wat she says... but it is very very complicated... i suggest her a solution... and i think it is the onie solution...
she consider it for a moment... and accepted it... but kenny juz can't accept her decision... *i dunno about that...* and after a short while through this confrontation... yan ping fainted... i rush to her side and carry her to the taxi... man... she's heavy... lolz...

we bring her home straight... but eeling say her house is at 3rd floor... meaning that i have to carry her all the way up the 3 floors... but den... i never think so much... so with my 2 hands... i carry her up and up the stairs i go... by the time i reach 3rd floor... i am already very tired... and the stairs to her house still have quite some distance... i am dragging her to her house by the time i reach about half way from the stairs to her house...

after we get her on the floor... her mum told us she suffer from seizures since sec 3... poor girl... and we do all we could to get her seizures under control... i massaged her arms and legs while the others massage her legs and the other hand... *no dirty thoughts here...plz*

after all this we went home... i reach home about 6.30 in the morning... my work ends at 11... and i reach home at 6.30... zai... rite???
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 9:55 PM





haven update for so so long... maybe because i am too sastified with my current life ba... yeah... i am... my life now though not wat i imagine when i am as a kid... but i should not ask for more...

but no life is without troubles... yeah... i juz have one... i am in danger of debarrment... well... can't say i did not expect that... but den... i realli wan to stay with them... well... i think i wan ba... and so i dun wan to be debar... well... if there is realli a debarrment meeting... i will have lots to say... in the worst situation... i may have to bring out mr lau, acc and mr yee to help me... they have watch me through my first yr... and they should noe wat i am... and how i will fare in the exam...

toking about that... it seems like i will score quite gd for this exam... er... let juz say i still have the self confidence in my studies... till now... my results have only lose to alicia, casilda and liting... so i will be come fourth in class this exam too... er... i think so ba...

actually this is a joke... i can't be fourth... with a GPA less den 3... be fourth in the class??? though our class is bad in studies... but they will fare quite well in exam...

am i contradicting myself??? lolz... i think i am... but den... i can be fourth... if i wan... i can do anything if i wan... everyone close to me told me that... juz that i dun wan... my results in exams have always remain at that line... can't pass it... can't fall through that line either... but i am sastified... i am not aiming for uni... no matter how much u do... it is juz a dipolma... that diploma will not record how well u have done... wat is the purpose of working so hard to have a dipolma... it is understandable if u r aiming for uni... so u work hard... but me??? nah... i think i pass the uni part...

stranger ask: but why did u pay so much attention in class???

yeah... i did pay 200% of my attention every time in class... to me... i feel that poly isn't sec sch anymore... nah... it isn't... sec sch teach lots of bullshit which have no actual use in my future life... but poly is different... wat they teach is wat i will use... to me... i think that the del lecturer is actually quite gd... if u listen to him closely... u will find him giving so much tips... so much... so i juz cannot bring myself to dislike him... though he is a pain in the ass... hehehe...

stranger ask: so wat happen to ur love life???

hmmm... nah... love to me isn't a reality... to me... it is more like a dream... it is sometimes ok to be in a dreamlike state... but u muz always noe how to get back to reality... i dun nid love... though i wan it... i can live without it... but i wan to live with it... but den... i found out that i am perfectly ok without love... i think in everyone's heart there is always a someone in ur heart... that someone u like... to me... i dun hav one now... yeah... i am empty.... in that sense... but den... there isn't any thing bad about this... i feel so free and relax... freedom to me is a blessing...

stranger ask: so do u hav any plans for the near future???

huh? near future??? i take it that u r asking my yrs in poly... hmm... not so much plans... but i have plans for this sem... i am gonna design a game and present to class... er... actually i dun have the ablitiy to design one... but i have the idea... and i got the programming knowledge... it is juz that my knowledge about programming and graphics isn't so gd... so i juz have to edit from other games... steal their gameplay but with my own graphics... i try my best... now... i am still quite relaxed in e-games because the others haven done anything... i doubt they r going to do it any time soon... except firdaus...
about my other modules i juz have to grit my teeth and bear through lessons... if so... i will srcape through exam... of cos... this plans onie work when i am spared from debarrment...

stranger ask: so wat have u been doing this past few weeks?

hmmm... nth much... juz pick up a new anime call fate/stay night... awesome anime... juz that it is a sad ending again... DAMN IT!!! i hate sad endings... why can't she be together with him??? haiz...
recently my god-bro wan a new com... i offer to build it for him... well... his old com is so damn old that he can run out of ram... easy to get a new com... hehehe... should be not charging him any fee... because he is my god-bro... and i doubt his mother has any thoughts of giving me money...

stranger ask: so this is the end of the conversation???

hmmm... i think so ba... not much to say anymore... juz hope everyone is still hanging there... and hope alicia will wake up from endless dreams of jerome... she seems so desperate...
cya ppl!!!

---Wearing masks is tiring... Acting is also tiring... i dun like being tired... so i wun wear mask or act... i juz morph to wat i feel is the most correct person to interact with---
posted by TSUBASACHRIS @ 1:14 AM

Tagboard section

wat could you have done??? i keep on asking myself... wat will u do if u are in other ppl shoes... again... i think... again i forced myself to understand wat were they thinking... i dun understand myself anymore... i dun even wanna understand about myself... there are things which keep me back from showing my true self... is the real society out there realli a place where u can't show ur true self anymore???

i wanna held my head high and walk the earth... i wanna noe that i am right... and do watever i please... i dun wanna care how other ppl think about me...

my frens... they are so important to me... so bloody important to me that i can sacrifice my own life to save any of them... others before me... i did ask myself... before i go deeper into frenship... can i make him more important den me??? and i ans yes always...

i treat all of my frens as true frens... as true buddies... that we can scold around... play around... joke around... and things... but apparently... i have misplaced my trust in them...

SO... i will hold my tongue... keep myself from toking much... i shall kill my heart... i dun wanna put in more effort into frenships which has no meanings inside... i shall keep my silence... to let ppl not to dislike me... and to make myself dislike ppl... i will change myself into a darker person... a more deep person... i shall kill ppl without them noeing it...

i dislike being myself more and more... this god-damn sense of peace loving... this god damn sense of wanting to outshine others... this stupid sense of saying" u guys must have ur reasons for doing that"

NO... I WANNA KILL EVERY ME INSIDE THAT HAVE ANY OF THIS VALUES... to make myself into a darker person... this is wat i can do... for now...
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 8:36 PM





wat is the defination of trying hard?? i think of this question for a long time already. is it juz coming to school everyday and be so cheeky to teachers that teachers fear to see u and try to avoid u? is it not coming to school and staying at home reading ur own notes??? is it by saying dunno u try to slack??? or is it juz trying to escape from work by saying" i have no mood to do that now" i realli dunno wat the hell is trying hard anymore...

i guess everyone has a way of trying hard... his or her own way of trying hard... others may not see that he or she is trying hard... but in fact... he or she is trying as hard as possible... well i dunno... cause i cannot be that person... i can't argue against myself to justify ur actions...cause ur actions has already pass the boundaries of normal thinking.

i am so damn stressed and tired now... my oop has slackened... i trying my best to catch up with oop... i accepted critiscm that i have not been listening in class... i accepted... because i am guilty of it... i wanna catch up... but i does not help when ppl juz try to shove more work ur way...

i am tired... realli... i force myself to get up from my bed and wear my smelly slippers to sch... i force myself to smile and say"nvm... i am not angry with u guys" i force myself to try and understand ppl... when my gut feeling is that those guys out there are juz trying to get an A without any real hard work putted in... I AM TIRED!!! realli... i wish i can juz rest for a day and not come to sch... let my mind rest and things... but... i can't... work is piling up... work that isn't mine is piling up!!! i have to do... i muz do... for others... and for myself... i realli dun like to do this... but i will do it... if thats wat u guys wan me to do...i value others more den myself... i wan others happier den me... i wan to noe that their happiness is all brought by me... i wan such a sense of achievement... i wan to juz help them bit by bit... lessen their burden bit by bit...

i hate fights... i hate quarrels... i love peace... i like peace... i dun wanna give up peace juz to say that i am right... i rather let the whole world thinks that i am wrong... if that can be exchanged for peace... i willingly give up my right to prove that i am correct... yet... i can't bear it anymore... but i still like peace... wat should i do??? throw my feelings here... that is the only thing i can do... to stop myself froming flaring up... to stop myself from jumping down... i wanna escape... i dun wanna be me anymore... this stress... this agony... this god damn stupid sense of peace-loving... i wan to noe how to hate ppl... i wanna noe how to scold ppl back... i wanna noe how to tell ppl off when i am correct... i love all that... but i can't do that... i wanna ask tjk lots of ques todae... but ppl call me yaya when i ask ques... so i refrain from asking...

i accepted yaya this nickname because i failed to turn up for that soccer match... that i accepted... but for calling me yaya juz because i wanna catch up on studies and ask ques... " wtf is wrong with u ppl!!!!"

gotta get back to e games... i am tired... but i can't slp till janice did her part... i wanna make sure that all of my group mates have finish... den i can slp... others before me... that will be my way of living... though i dun like this way of living... but compared to ppl who can hurt those they meant to hurt... i prefer this way of living better...
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 11:57 PM





i guess some ppl juz nid to cool down for a while... some times over care and concern will bring harm to the person... sometimes.... the more u care... the more u hurt that person...

haiz... being a doc is realli hard... but i am doing fine... i think i can do wat she taught me to do... Now... with my heart dead... i wun have to worry about whether i will fall in love with my patients anymore...

Alot of times when one knows a person very well... u will be curious to find out more... more and more... till u eventually find out that u have fallen in love for her... but now... i dun nid to worry about those anymore... i juz do wat i wan to do... and juz be done with it...

till now... i have relieved 3 of my frens out of their misery... i dunno wat i can do for them in the beginning... but at least i still have ears for them to say wat they wan... still have my hands for me to pat them on the back... still have my shoulder for them to rest on...

but as things go on... i realise that i can help them... since i am an outsider... i see things more clearly den them... so i can see wat lies ahead of them...

lolz... why am i saying so much about this... maybe it is wat happen ytd... wat happen realli shocked me... and make me feel that if i am not there... god noes wat happen to that girl...

ytd... after work... i was pulled out by yan ping to eat supper... she was normal back den... and the four of us... me, kenny, eeling and her go a long way to eat roti prata... which is outside national library... we tok about alot of things... and kenny seems unhappy about yan ping and me... maybe because he is jealous or something...*me and yanping were mainly the one toking*
after that... we went into a bar for some drinks... remembering my last mistake on drinks... i dun wanna drink... eeling and kenny dun wanna drink too... so yan ping drink alone... eeling allows yanping to drink 1 cup onie... coz she dun like her to drink... but after that one cup... yan ping help me order one x~atasy... after that she juz drink abit from my cup... eeling straightaway become angry with yanping but she never say anything...

after that because of this... i try to drink finish the x~atasy... it taste nice... totally... but den... it is highly achoholic and i think i can;t survive the trip home if i finish one of it... so i juz drink half... by the time i finish the cup... eeling and yan ping has start quarreling and i have to step in to stop this 2 frens from becoming something worse... i can settle eeling without any prob... but yan ping keep on crying and things... after that... she pour all her feelings and thinkings out... and i gotta understand her more after that... i dun wanna say wat she says... but it is very very complicated... i suggest her a solution... and i think it is the onie solution...
she consider it for a moment... and accepted it... but kenny juz can't accept her decision... *i dunno about that...* and after a short while through this confrontation... yan ping fainted... i rush to her side and carry her to the taxi... man... she's heavy... lolz...

we bring her home straight... but eeling say her house is at 3rd floor... meaning that i have to carry her all the way up the 3 floors... but den... i never think so much... so with my 2 hands... i carry her up and up the stairs i go... by the time i reach 3rd floor... i am already very tired... and the stairs to her house still have quite some distance... i am dragging her to her house by the time i reach about half way from the stairs to her house...

after we get her on the floor... her mum told us she suffer from seizures since sec 3... poor girl... and we do all we could to get her seizures under control... i massaged her arms and legs while the others massage her legs and the other hand... *no dirty thoughts here...plz*

after all this we went home... i reach home about 6.30 in the morning... my work ends at 11... and i reach home at 6.30... zai... rite???
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 9:55 PM





haven update for so so long... maybe because i am too sastified with my current life ba... yeah... i am... my life now though not wat i imagine when i am as a kid... but i should not ask for more...

but no life is without troubles... yeah... i juz have one... i am in danger of debarrment... well... can't say i did not expect that... but den... i realli wan to stay with them... well... i think i wan ba... and so i dun wan to be debar... well... if there is realli a debarrment meeting... i will have lots to say... in the worst situation... i may have to bring out mr lau, acc and mr yee to help me... they have watch me through my first yr... and they should noe wat i am... and how i will fare in the exam...

toking about that... it seems like i will score quite gd for this exam... er... let juz say i still have the self confidence in my studies... till now... my results have only lose to alicia, casilda and liting... so i will be come fourth in class this exam too... er... i think so ba...

actually this is a joke... i can't be fourth... with a GPA less den 3... be fourth in the class??? though our class is bad in studies... but they will fare quite well in exam...

am i contradicting myself??? lolz... i think i am... but den... i can be fourth... if i wan... i can do anything if i wan... everyone close to me told me that... juz that i dun wan... my results in exams have always remain at that line... can't pass it... can't fall through that line either... but i am sastified... i am not aiming for uni... no matter how much u do... it is juz a dipolma... that diploma will not record how well u have done... wat is the purpose of working so hard to have a dipolma... it is understandable if u r aiming for uni... so u work hard... but me??? nah... i think i pass the uni part...

stranger ask: but why did u pay so much attention in class???

yeah... i did pay 200% of my attention every time in class... to me... i feel that poly isn't sec sch anymore... nah... it isn't... sec sch teach lots of bullshit which have no actual use in my future life... but poly is different... wat they teach is wat i will use... to me... i think that the del lecturer is actually quite gd... if u listen to him closely... u will find him giving so much tips... so much... so i juz cannot bring myself to dislike him... though he is a pain in the ass... hehehe...

stranger ask: so wat happen to ur love life???

hmmm... nah... love to me isn't a reality... to me... it is more like a dream... it is sometimes ok to be in a dreamlike state... but u muz always noe how to get back to reality... i dun nid love... though i wan it... i can live without it... but i wan to live with it... but den... i found out that i am perfectly ok without love... i think in everyone's heart there is always a someone in ur heart... that someone u like... to me... i dun hav one now... yeah... i am empty.... in that sense... but den... there isn't any thing bad about this... i feel so free and relax... freedom to me is a blessing...

stranger ask: so do u hav any plans for the near future???

huh? near future??? i take it that u r asking my yrs in poly... hmm... not so much plans... but i have plans for this sem... i am gonna design a game and present to class... er... actually i dun have the ablitiy to design one... but i have the idea... and i got the programming knowledge... it is juz that my knowledge about programming and graphics isn't so gd... so i juz have to edit from other games... steal their gameplay but with my own graphics... i try my best... now... i am still quite relaxed in e-games because the others haven done anything... i doubt they r going to do it any time soon... except firdaus...
about my other modules i juz have to grit my teeth and bear through lessons... if so... i will srcape through exam... of cos... this plans onie work when i am spared from debarrment...

stranger ask: so wat have u been doing this past few weeks?

hmmm... nth much... juz pick up a new anime call fate/stay night... awesome anime... juz that it is a sad ending again... DAMN IT!!! i hate sad endings... why can't she be together with him??? haiz...
recently my god-bro wan a new com... i offer to build it for him... well... his old com is so damn old that he can run out of ram... easy to get a new com... hehehe... should be not charging him any fee... because he is my god-bro... and i doubt his mother has any thoughts of giving me money...

stranger ask: so this is the end of the conversation???

hmmm... i think so ba... not much to say anymore... juz hope everyone is still hanging there... and hope alicia will wake up from endless dreams of jerome... she seems so desperate...
cya ppl!!!

---Wearing masks is tiring... Acting is also tiring... i dun like being tired... so i wun wear mask or act... i juz morph to wat i feel is the most correct person to interact with---
posted by ~~~TsUbaSa cHRIS~~~ @ 1:14 AM

there is nth for me to say ba...
since some of u have noe me very well...
some of u will noe me abit... so wat i am realli is is all up to u...

July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 September 2007 January 2008 March 2008


July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
September 2007
January 2008
March 2008

Links Section. Layout by Photokicho!
Edited by chris
blog of janice
blog of casilda